♥ Drama Queen ♥

Saturday, April 27, 2013

my gardner


or plain meaning of, PEACE!

today i am gona blog about syukur.
or the meaning of gratitude.

it is often a concept and a word that many say, and many often ungkap without actually realising it.
and i think, hand in hand with this concept is,
the concept of sabr,
or sabar shud b potrayed.

did u noe tht the word sabar has actly been mentioned several times in the Quran?
where Allah told para Nabi to sabar uponntheir griviences. imagine.
nabi pun kne tegur by Allah to sabar.
and since we percaya in the words of the Quran is brought down to All mankind,
then we must noe,
Allah is sayin it to us too! :))

yes, this seems a topic too boring or too lengthy to be mentioned, too over rated and too jelak to be mentioned.

when someone dies, we say to the deceased's family, "sabar ye,"
or when someone is disappointed," sabar ye,"
and even more often, when someone does sum sort of injustice, it is innate to say to one's self,"sabar jela,"

but until what point do we actually understand this?
to what point do we actually internalise this?
(and of course this goes towards all out other actions such as solat, puasa and sedeqah)
until where does these actions actually seep into our soul?

on this beloved saturday afternoon, as i sit in my old arwah grandma's house(alftehah to my nenek hajjah sawiyah ahmad), i am reminded of all this. i am brought back to where all my life began, and how when i was younger, i had dreams, huge dreams, and i was (lookin back at it now) at times not really satisfied in my life, as i wanted all kinds of gadgets and toys, (walhal dah belambaks at home) and then i grew up slowly, and i learnt. i learnt how lucky i was.

and now, as i am turning twenty three, i realise,
i have turned back into tht little girl back in gomabk, not really satisfied with my life subconciously, so i reflect back now, and bring u on a journey of syukur and sabar in my context.
my steps and my life.
how imperfect i am,
and how flawed we all are as humans.

this is a reminder, for me,
and hopefully, an eye opener to you.

i look out the main door of my nenek's house, and i see the grass cutter,
his drops of sweat dripping from his forehead,
I see the wind slowly blowing softly against the hot shining sun.
it is the hot afternoon of 3pm.

I say thank you to my gardener for his efforts.
but many may say,
"why should you care, for if you dint offer any money, he wouldnt even be here,"
and especially i can hear someone saying,"what a measly job he has, unlike many of our family's, all professionals with well to do work,"

but havent u pondered,
If he dint feel lik coming, he wouldn have?
then i hear another voice sayin,"then too bad la, xde rezeki dye,"
well, memang la kalau dia tak nak buat kerja ni, then dia tak dapat la duit dari kami,
but who are we to say tht?
are we God to dictate people?
are we Godly to GIVE people rezeki?
are we GOD to have power of choice.

-----in a magazine i bought this month, they potrayed tht syaitan loves to control us via perasaan mazmummah kita...which is all our weaknesses, such as being godly, whereby the example given was,this man standing with a coat and commands all his employees,"LISTEN TO ME IF U WAN MONEY"...well tht is one extreme, little do we noe, in our small daily life, even as a measely laborer, we all sometimes have tht 'godly' complex we play with..such as the above matter i said, yes. walaupun kechil macam tu, sbnrnyer, wen we feel bende itu ditangan kita, then my, my, you just landed urself into the 'godly complex' game.

so bottomline of this situation, kita sepatutnya berterima kaseh kepada Allah tht He has connected us with this lovely gardner who has been servicing my nenek's garden since eons ago.
little do I noe whe he lives or how many kids he has or anything.
Thank you Allah for having him as a gardner. :)

oh well,
so moving on.

When i was younger, I had always been blessed with many clothes, toys, sepits and books,
i used to give it all away.
(ok, ALL is an exaggeration,i used to give some away to my closest friends)
in order to keep them close to me (or maybe i dint hav tht intention back then, but im very sure subconciously tht was why i gave them away anyway),,,,but then, they all came, and some went. and finally, i left them all.

I used to feel sad when my friends abandoned me, and some of them even used to say,"sabar suria," and i finally adopted to saying to my very own self,"sabar suria," and off i went to play with my dolls.
i am talking about a 7/8 year old suria by the way,

i never understood what it all meant.

and wen i went to england, i TOT i understood.

well guess wht?

i din either.
i mean, hello, i was ten.

then wen i wen to my upper forms, and way through adolescence, i found Allah.
i found the meaning of peace.
but not fully,
as i was at times leka,
and i seeked the thrill of fun.
the thrill of socialising
the thrill of adventure.

pakai makeup.
dengar mp3 kat skola
baca magazine
bukak blog nta pape
bace tilik personality kat internet.

all the lame stuff.

but i had a focus point tht brought me back.
and with the guidance of my mom.
i pulled thru.

in uni.

theres no one hu actly goes up sniffing ur butt askin u wat u did.
what u had?
what u studied,
how u studied
or hu ur friends with.

its the freedom teens want.

but wen u get lost in tht freedom,
u get side tracked.
and u forget wht was ur aim.

"dont go into the world lookin for a friend, instead, go into the world as a friend,"

i forgot my self.
my subconcious devil took over.

and i fell.

i often said,"alhamdulillah wen i passed,"
i often said,"sabar" wen musibah was on me.

but i dint c the meaning anymore.

i istigfar daily after solat.

i zikr-ed on the way to class.

but wht did tht all mean?

wht was sabar?
wat was syukur?
and wat was remembering Allah?

it all seemed a fuzz.

so i prayed.
and i asked.
and i still felt a blur.

until one day,
God took it all awy from me.
one by one.

i slowly saw it shattering.

yes, i still have my mom,
i still have a roof over my head,
i still have an education.
i still had people around me.

but then only i understood,
i hadnt been an excellent daughter these past few years.
i hadnt been appreciating my home tht i was given.
i hadnt been grateful of my education.
i hadnt been the best muslimah i could be.

then what does me not being grateful mean?

it wasnt easy to find the meaning.
and i still am looking.

i miss little reminders.
i miss usrahs.
i miss intellectual talk.

the meaning is,

when you wake up in the morning, wish ur parents the best of days,
doa for them in the solat,
sedeqahkan alfatehah.

well guess what? many of us actly practise this daily,
but do we understand why?
do we understand its significance?

significantly, i was told, if u read an alfatehah fr ur parents daily, and made doa fr them, ur rezki will never b cut from Allah.
but have u eve wondered y?
ofcourse its because they were the ones who brought you to life, raised u frm ur toddler years, and clothed you to adulthood. but it simply means, Allah has asked us to appreciate our roots. appreciate those who have berbakti to us. Oh how Great Allah is. He did not ask us to pray and thank Him solely, but he had asked us to appreciate those around us too. walhal, Allah la yang telah gerakkan hati mereka untuk raise us and clothe us and made us live through all these years.
yes, you must be thinking, (especially us being asians) "nanti aku dah tua, aku pun nak anak aku doakan aku," especially when the hadith said tht one of the things tht we can bring after we die is actly the doa of our children. and sometimes we are scared by the terms of karma *what goes around comes around*...well if you have faith in Allah, He will give u the best insyaAllah is you have done your part. so u shud always doa for ur parents, as thinking whats best for them, and doa tht they will always Love Allah too.

i may not make entire sense.
as i myslef am still learning.
but i felt that,
i had to share something with you.

i had been quiet from my internet world,
as i have finally discovered its evils.
*walhal bapak aku dah kata lama dah its evil*
kne diri sendri baru tahu.

but i yakin.
im very entirely sure,
if God dint du it this way,
i wud have never learnt.
and i wud have never repented.

so i wanted to say,
be careful in wht u ask in Allah,
because He always listens.
thts the beauty of this relationship.
as i was reminded yday by my dear ustazah, Islam is so beautiful. and our relationship with Allah is so miraculous. We talk to Allah and He never talks back, He doesnt come in front of you to give you, but instead, He has a million thousand ways to send His love back to you. to SHOW you tht He cares, to Show you that He's respondin and for some God noes what reason, u feel a sense of calmness when you talk to Him. all yo need is fatih, faith tht He is listening and He noes wht He's doin.
one of the pillars of imaan is,"belief in qada and qadar,"

so thank Him,
because imagine, if u tot this was difficult, there could be even worser things tht cud have happened,

"for every lock, there must be a key,"

i wish i cud write more with ayats and hadiths, but i amd not in the position atm, as i am attending to my nenek's house.

i for now,
just believe tht i will become a better person. and doa i will.
because i once said,"can we go back to how things were like before?"
well gues what?
i dont want things to go back like before.
if i had a clock to turn back time,
i wouldnt.
do i regret doin things i did rong?
very much.
i hated myself.
but iv decided,
if things hadnt been tht way, neither would i sit here today,
reflect back to what happened when i was in primary.
and i would never learn how to appreciate things i do.

if things change,
i want it for the better.

and i trust Allah for that.

for now,
"sabar is not a word, but the attitude you carry, not alone, but with the Help of Allah,"

"syukur is not just gratitude, but the understanding tht Allah had interfered and woke u up from ur slumber,"

for wen u forget Allah,
you forget the akhirat.

detach yourself.
in order for Allah to attach you.

with that,
I would like to apologise to my beloved readers for any words i typed wrongly, for any concepts i depicted rongly, or any examples tht i used.
my intention was purely to share with you what sabar, syukur and how sometimes you have to reflect. and to remind myself the power of Allah.



Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Nyet Nyet!

Selamat sejahtera~!!!
its ten minutes to midnite, my eyes are sore like theyre gona fall out to sleep! but my brain keeps thinking of all these random things to blog,
mujurla my fingers baek, sehat dan walafiat utk menaip!

she said: loved ur presentation
(but thn again, if u dint lik it, u shudn come up to me now shud u? hehe...so thank u darla!)
me: yea?
she said: yes! u really did it this time! different from ur other presentations!
me: YEA?!
she said: yup! u fought back!
me: YES!

i swear, if i cud, i had hugged tht fella there n then n never let her go, hhehe..

u c, i miss teaching a lot. n i mean alot. its my hobby (yes, it gives me money as well but bsides the point) and  clinicals have been really hard on me. i hadnt had the chance to really release myself. teaching had always been my escapism. obviously a positive one, one tht always cheered me up thoroughly. :(( my kids never failed to make me laugh or feel happy. even as naughty, haughty, rich or indecent they are, bcos at the end of the day, they are still kids, and thts y, we, teachers are supposed to mould them.


so today wen i got up to present,
(even if i was a lost of words---dysphasia ape?! ngeng)
i attacked it!

just lik how i said i wud in this posting!
hehhe! :))

so thanks mogy for giving me words of inspiration! its awesome.

and  even if i started the day w a horrendous jam,
i kept it positive.
for Allah never burdens His servants more than he can tolerate! hehe.

at lunch, i had an emergency call by mom, in need of a driver, thankfully, she found a colleague to send her to uia. so wen i finished class, the first person i called (aft mom) was tyra! informing her tht i was on the way to her place! ;))

i love adhocks.
theyre the best.

they once said,
cherish the moment for it will pass. and make every moment sumtin u wud always cherish.
(oakyh, maybe  sum derivative of tht) =.="
or was it,
make a holiday in every thing u do, so tht u dont need to go for vacations.

i noe i mmg am content with my life, my mom was recollecting wen was the last tym we went for a holiday holiday.
guess what? i have not.
ever since i came back frm the UK.
i dont really mind.
i dont really get jealous or wen other ppl go fr trips.
i noe im too busy fr all tht.
id rather stay home, clean my room, reorganize my sutff, read my notes, update my notes or clean my wardrobe. or even better still, sit on my bed and write stories.
i cudnt b happier.

i had been goin thru alot lately,
and today,
i felt lik a huge heave on my chest lifted.
walaupun there were moments i felt the sadness pierce me,
i pushed it aside, blasted my radio and danced to the beat of my heart.
then thank u allah.
He gave me happiness all over again.

i finally saw this writing i wrote on the top right hand corner of the whiteboard in my room.(wic has been there since forever)
"Alhibbu walkurhullah"
wic just mean, love and hate comes frm Allah.
surely, even feelings arnt ours. it is the Almighty's to give us the feelings He thinks is best to us.

so wen i asked God,
"what is sabr,"
He gave me all these weird feelings.
and to top it off, i was stuck in a horrendous jam
instead of the usual 830am i normally arrive, i came at 10++! excellent!
if u open my instagram, theres lik half adozen pics of the jam.
kesabaran betul.

prof: yes doctor (my prof calls us all doctors)
me: sry prof!
prof: stuck in a jam?
me: *mumbles*
prof: y din u get a helicopter?
(teringt the helicopter tht flew above me)
me: there was one!
prof: then y didnt u hold on to it?
me: i tried!

he;s sucha sweet fellow, apenyer tak, mcm atok kot.

i joined his next group. and thank god i dint need to find a case. kalau tak marah kak mimi tu,
but i did join her n my other friends clerking.
come to think of it kan,
i havent ever blogged about my lunchganggg... which has now a new name,
mak jemah.

awesome kan?
as we had lunch in giant tday,
and moved seats three times.
kahwen tiga kali.

n even if i was the odd duckling out again. as i ahv been.
i din fall short frm my crush,.
my heart throb, hu wore the same shade wit me.
*heart skips a beat*
*jumping topics*
i was in the car with a future engineer earlier this evening.
n she was telling me all these things they engineering students do,
and i sighed.
"we fight our own battles. thts the sucky part. all by ourselves."
"well we have them kind of ppl too" tyra replied.
"without Allah, i dont think i can pull it thru. i dont think anyone can, bcos its too overwhelming"

i felt second yr was horrendous, i felt how i fell short.
but alhamdulillah i did well.
now, third yr,'
is way more hectic,
way more demanding
and way more new stuff.


in the wards,
we all bcome this professional ppl.
ppl u may hv never seen a part bfore,
its lik, me, study mode, but talking and lving.
*my study mode is this fiercesome being*
but somehow, wen i enter the wards,
i feel happy.
mcm wayyyyy in my niche.
mcm :)))))))))))
and tak de la studymore tu. hehe.
i actly feel cheery.
as my moms reminds me, visitting the sick is a pahala all on its own.

resah aku klu xclerk.

so i cant resist my inner child, inner suria. as much as i want to.
i cant deny i had my recoil times.
i had my down times.
but how do you rise if u dont fall?
u will never appreciate the achievement if u never felt wats at ground zero wen u ascend to the top of KLCC.

*tp xde la pulak i fell lik those twin towers flat bottom, mungkin jatoh frm the top of our klcc tip to the tower bridge. so my next desitnation the tip of dubai's towers!*


positivity kan?
apelagi klu i bru kne recharge!
but one thing i noe, i obviously cant work with my spouse in the same place.mmmm.
i don wana b the clingy one and i don wana things to b awkward,
tp twitter kate,
"all relationshps go thru stuff. but stuff will nve get thru them!"
so yes! we will hv our moments! hehe, *angau la plak ttbe*
u c, im the kind of person tht appreciates the small little things.
a change of wallpaper,
a change of ringtone,
a change of profile picture.
i appreciate all those little gestures tht make me feel a part of u :*
as long as i noe im there.

and there are things i love dearly.
i love my blogspot. the place i write out.
i love my car. the place i drive hours.
and most of all, i love my instagram. its my thing. my escapism. my pleasure.
i mite b a rapidly increasing tweetin twitter, and when bored facebooker. but instagram, i love.
its my happy place besides my car seat and my room.

its the small things tht keep me going.
but positivity got the best of me. alhamdullilah.

for now.
lets almulk and sleep!
esok kne clerk.
and in surgery, evryone needs a chaperone.
no, tmoro clinic.
yeay! finally! :))

cik amp,
coming out frm her cacoon with the Help of Allah! #insyaAllah!

ps-the title of this post is dedicated to the monyet i met today, no. serious, i met a moneyt today, next to my car. no pics sbb dah one am and nk tdo!

Monday, April 15, 2013

Sara Bareilles - Gravity

soothing my ears as i figure out how my slides shud be.

i dint noe hhow to start, and had this massive lower back pain, but as soon as i opened my books and concentrated on my work, it went away.

Thank you Allah.

*i dont wana b sucked into ur gravity*

but a dear person to me once said,"let ppl make u the victim, but never victimise others,"
i hope i hvnt. tho i bet i hav, since we r all just mere humans. :((

i think thts y God made me enter medicine, for me to b closer to Him n realise these idiosyncracies i carry out. :((
let's all take time to reflect what we have done wrong and forgive all others bcos im very sure, we have done something even worse may be not to tht particular person, but we must have, in the eyes of Allah.
lets muhasabah diri on the first day of the week to have a barakah n fruitful week insyaAllah.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

just a lil story

Cady spent her days with makeup, hair and accessories.

Janis was sick of it,"So how is our planning coming along?"
CAdy took a long look at her already most lips, and swiped a long gush of blood red lip gloss plumping her lips even further.
"OHMYGOD! is tht the new Smack It RED??? How did you get it?" Damian in awe.
"It is right?!" Cady answered enthusiastically."Regina got it for me!"
"No WAY!"
"Yes way!"
"NO WAY!" Damian shrieking a whole octave than a girl would have.
Janis rolled her eyes.
Cady than rambled on about Regina.

Most of the days now are all about Regina. Either that, or something else that is Regina Associated. Janis had enough. But revenge was even sweeter. So patience.

#this was an adaptation of mean girls. tht i kinda tweeked since i cudnt rmmber n felt like changing sum stuff to satisfy my mood#

okayh. iv given up. im thoroughly exhausted,. had been feeling so for a few days now.

and imagine, i had to drive all the way to Seremban.

referin to the article i once linked on my twitter. click here if u don hv me on twitter or missed it.
i unfortunately fall into tht category.
but hus doesnt?
hu takes sad moments? its virtually amplifying ur sadness and draggin it out. hu wants to drag misery and sadness? the fact tht it had to appear pun ramai org tak suke, atau tak comfortable. ape lg nak tunjuk to the whole world. mmm. but there are some, hu twists the sadness n show it off as something relatively different. (i may join tht gang)...whereby i can take a lauk ikan kering and put a filter (aft angling it in sucha way) to make it as delicious as it can. if they say, the camera puts ten pounds, i can definitely put ten pounds of happiness. hehe..
but hu wudnt if they cud?

but in writing no one can lie.
stories show it all.
it potrays the writer's mind.
their lingo.
their character
and their thoughts.

i really wana finish my presentation.
but im super tired.
typin pun seems hard.

and i gotta write this down.
(since i cant post it up on fb)
my bestie @marjani is....er..(mi tlg isi tmpat kosong,dah xigt)....hahahaha...is sarcastic sgt nowadays! huaaaaa...but she has finally regained her voice! and sounds freakishly like me! like seriously.
tp xpe la. i heard alot of her sister just now, mcm her sister was also on the same line.
i swear, im lik her sister.
but hus sister m i not like?
im lik them all sisters.

maybe thts y we;re friends.
but if i stay being lik totally lik their sisters.
i mite just lose them all.
ye la, hu wants to have their "annoying" sister as their bestie.


so today i was on the fon with two of my fav people.
i shud seriously limit erm calls.
my dad must think tht im a kaki gayut ttbe.
especially wen im always on the fon this weekend. non stop.

have to turn back to the ground fr support. goodnyte frm the land of seremban,
kesian mak kuching aku kat rumah. mestie dye tgu aku balek. and aku tetibe takot esok balek msu. tuhan, cepatkanlah period org2 yg dekat aku,,kasihanilah mereka (dan aku)...ssah nak handle org pms. (ni mesti karma, sbb aku pms bapak lama aritu)...

cik amp.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

sunshine la!

hi there!
week one surgery dah habes!


and i had an awesome awesome time!
insyaAllah ::)))

and Alhamdulillah!


im ngntok.

but an ERCP and a masectomy rocks!

i wish i cud talk more.
but im serious knackeredddd!!!

so google up those two! n the surgeons were awesome. i think. err. i think maybe i hav a crush on tht sleepy eye bagged asst surgeon. cool! hehe. *malutersipu2* wait till i tell mimi about tht. walhal we entered tgthr kot.. but in the OT, its lik, full surgery on mode.

but thtz not the only thing tht made me all sunshine pd mlm yg aku ngntok giler!
i feel a whole lot relieved.
i feel an emotional release.

slamat malam.

Monday, April 8, 2013


The sun never shone any brighter, but the wind seemed to back up and breeze up the scorching sun's ray. It was a beautiful day.

Aishah wore her hair down today, as she went to university with her flowy green skirt and yellow chiffon top.  A cut above really did a good job Aishah thought to herself and walked from her white swift in her favourite yellow wedges. IT was color block day, Monday.

"Class is in the lecture theatre," Aishah heard Lina's voice over her pink note.

Architecture consumed alot of their time, but color coding was always a priority Her friendship was even more a priority. A whole three months of practical in her father's company gave her a new breathe of air, finally after theoretical classes and sleepless nights in the  studio and even more money on art materials, that she now thinks the owner of the art shop in Shah Alam knows her sleek sheeq loud voice by now.

Practical was busy that she din't have the time to draw her favourite arts, what more her plans of travelling to beautiful lush greeneries and old vintage Malay villages. Her father mad her work right from the reception right till the offsite, where her makeup used to run like an athelete on a sprint, that she had given up on her Shuemura and Mac products. Originality was also adored by many men, but she used to brush them off, sticking to religion and she slowly toned down, as Islam recommends that, 'a good woman is not to see nor to be seen,'

Now she's back in university, she's back in her usual parking spot, and even if she's no more the boss's daughter, she's got her archi-chics, and they had all been away, Tasha had gotten an offer in Australia, Lina went off to Penang and her most dearest friend Claire eventhough in Mont Kiara, was never in touch with her at all. She felt a miss, but somehow, it seemed to wear out as she had felt worn out at her practicals. She kinda felt feverish for the first day back for her last semester back in university, but she knew things might have changed.

"Breakfast!"  Lina chimed, wearing all red, her signature color, with her clood red lips, a streak of red hair with shiny red flipflops, her Penang practicals totally mellowed her red.
"G'day mate," Tasha came in bringing her Koala bag, as in fashion as she was, she wasn't really an original.
"Oh goodie bags!" Claire squeeled in her chanel bag clinging and her charm bracelets.
Aishah smiled, she just absorbed her colourful pallet of love.


Deen came in late for class as usual, his hair all sleeq, with a right partition, his jeans sky blue, rugged in the most classy way as he respected the formality of class with his brown Mr. Clarks  and striped dark grey G2000 shirt, sleeves all folded up till his elbows with his sling back on his right. It was "Geometry in retrospec." Everyone looked up from their ipads, but the lecturer went on.

"Your late," Aishah said under her breath.
"In Retrospec, it's retrospective," Deen answered

familiarly felt home once more
inside a reserved head
of communal thought
and that was how life could happily be.

weekend lepasss

lepassss kan laaa weekend,,...

it has ended..
my cuit!
and it is now officially
and ni puasa today!!
well, insyaAllah :))


last weekend was good!

its started Saturday!
and i was supposedly to attend 2 functions!
my batchmate got married and my bestie's sister also got engagement! n im like...yeayyy...

but at the end, xdpt..

someone read my story!
tht made me crazyyyy


but i cudnt write anymore,
and ttbe bam
mamai-ness, i started writing..
walhal i dint have the internet..
so for ur info, i wrote the last two pieces via lappie, then i transferred to my fon to post it up via the internet...
terers tak???
mcm woahhhh....
the typos...
and the next day,
aka sunday,
i actly felt the urge to write more... tp bukan la byk nyer my mess i had to clean up and i had to kemasssss ----

and oh mymy~~~

from today's clear out.
(which wasnt even a full clearance)
i found:
1. AT LEASTTTTT 5 bucks!!! worth of coins..and duit seringgits!
2. diaries
3. notebook kosongs
4. and best of all: MANY UNFINISHED STORIES!

like coolio~
raise the roof
(sorry fr my slang, watching my wife and kids again for the last round)

i finally found a story which is actly happy!hehe..but its already 3am! lik OMG!
ni mestie gara2 bcos i napped lik 3 hours td while cleaning out my room!
lik seriously!
slept lik a baby!
mujur dah siap kemas the most important parts! heheh..

my nap had a dream u noe, mcm kelakar je.. there was lik a conference/ dance o sumtin..and mogesh and kishi wore really nice dresses ;)

better gtg.

icecream with mum bor said..

PERTUNANGAN kak nana! my bestie's kakak :)

sorry kim i cudnt make it to ur weddin..was really caught up.. huhuh..

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Lawson inspired at 1 am

"What I miss the most is talking up all night, we laughed
until we cried"

I once remembered my senior warning me, once you enter
medicine, all that's left is books, you forget your looks,
your likes and your fancies. So i Chose law. But he persued
still with his sciences in medicine.

His hair grew longer, then cut formal. His nails always
trimmed short, his clothes always formal and never ever did
he wear slippers.

I on the other had continued my legacy of excellence, from
colour block to artistic mess, to metal black and at times,
the subdued pastels for court.

We went separate ways after I quitted one of the most
difficult courses of life, I sometimes look back and wonder,
what was actually so hard? Was it the studies or was it just
the emotions I had to endure? I wasn't sure because things
felt good, all until Akiff and I started a whole new class in
a new semester of practicals, all our dreams, hopes and
aspirations seem to go separately. It seemed that I was never
good enough for him.

And come to think of it, neither was him for me.

His late night texts, short recorded wechats, facebook
statuses nor his instagrams made me a tad bit happy.

And that's how I knew we weren't right for each other. This
is the story of how I moved on, and he did too.


"now we're breaking at the seams, nothing left of me"


"Here he comes!" Nadine squeels.
"Which one? The blue shirt or the grey one?" Safron asked,
slowly gettin excited.
"Err, the one with a square face and dimples?" Nadine taking
in her sight.

It was a hot day, in the mid of April, perfect weather if it
was in the UK or some European country for spring, but not
here in Malaysia, it's summer all along. Beads of sweat
dripped all along the backs of the girls as they sat under
the shed of the gazebo at mid day, waiting for the boys to
come over.

"Garden weddings suck,"Safron complained. Wondering why she
ever envied garden weddings in the past.
Nadine looked at her with a stern face, raising her eyebrow
"Im  not complaining about this wedding, but it's Malaysia,
it's either to freakishly hot or too damping wet, and youu
can see which one we are currently in," Safron said in her
most dramatic way she could.
"If you have noticed, back in the olden days, prior to the
migration to the city centres, Malays had been having their
weddings in their front yards and back yards, it has been a
long aged tradition," Nadine said a matter-of-factly tone.
"But they didn't wear chiffon kurung and three layered
scarves did they?"
"The religion never asked you to overdress"
"But it does say cover yourselves well, unlike our
forefathers who weren't so careful about that were they?"
"Their manners though, depicted something way beyond ours,
even if it was just a sheer shawl and tight Marilyn Monroe
"I should try that then, I have her figure after all,"
Nadine had given up on Safron.

The boys had been the last to shuffle into the green
compounds of Encik Kamal's family home in Sungai Buloh. It
seemed appropriate as the trays of gifts had been the first
to enter after the boy's elders marched in, all clad in blue,
and as the receiving side had all been clad in purple.

It was a ceremony Encik Kamal had been waiting for a long
time, his eldest, to be taken away by a good family. Even if
his aire, Zhaffran, still hadn't been able to find a suitable
suitor for himself, Encik kamal was happy for his Eldest

Pretty she was, the total opposite of her ever so clever
brother, and not so well mannered he was either, compared to
her gracefulness. She ofcourse did better that him, though
the gap was big, it was quite obvious. It was in the nature
of the fully committed women to their fields, and the lack of
perserverance of men. Or maybe it wasn't gender based at all,
though quite evident in the local education scene that the
gender with more things to cover, covered a majority of the
class seats.

Safron, being her short and sturdy self was a midget in that
family of tall grasshoppers she thought, as they were all
tall, lanky, and very environment friendly. And Najwa was the
flower amongst all the grasshoppers. Safron was happy for
Anna, elated to that extent. And being able to assist in the
eventful ceremony, was where she met Akiff.

They were all a tender age of 15, ending their lower
secondary and Saffron clicked well to Zhaffran more than
anyone else. Akiff, the little brother to Anna's soon in
several years time husband to be, but had the attitude
similar to Zhaffran, hence, their instant click. Which in
turn lead to Saffron's addiction to Akiff as well.

Sarcasm, intellect and a quirky sense of humour brought them
all together, that they could hang out all day long and all
weekend wide with each other's eccentric behavior. it was the
perfect chemistry those three.


Years down the line, as the pre-university era preceeded,
the happy times seemed to flourish cherishingly. Youth, they
said was the happiest days. And that was the phase they all
went through.

"I need to chase my career first, would you still be there at
then end of the road?" Zhaffran said when Monday came after
his sister's wedding.
Saffron looked at him odd. She din't understand the meaning,
and her immediate answer was, "I wonder what practical would
be like,"
But Zhaffran continued,"Because  i've met thousands of
people, and then I met you, the one person that changed my
life. Forever."
In response, saffron still did not digest this. "Well, even
if the worst thing you can do in life is say no to love, this
is not a movie, and things happen for a reason."
Saffron answered promptly, as she turned her back walking off
to reply her message with Akiff.

It all din't make sense.
Akiff din't make sense either.

He had been there, with her, all through the steps of life,
the results day, as he tooks his results too. The day they
both applied to the same university. The day they interviewed
the same posting. It was all a click that they were
comfortable with. They confessed their love in the most
weirdest way possible. As Akiff started it by buying her
tickets to conference, in which in her goodie bag, he had
taken the effort to hack the personal notebook to describe
his love towards her. saffron in turn smiled and was robbed
by words.

Akiff had brought her to all the weird showcases in town, and
at times, even those out of town. He was an art person.
Perceptions and opinions that only Saffron could perceive
wholey, as Saffron was the eye candy and livewire of his
life. And so was his soulful art to her high strung life.

They couldn't wait for practicals, or maybe a tad little
fearful, but they had plans for it.


Hence they were separated, away from each other, within the
same vicinity. It seemed rather ironic. They met each other,
they lived closely to each other.

"Lunch?"  saffron would ask, in her low missing tone.
"Yup," in Akiff's husky voice.

The closeness had brought them apart. The proximity tore away
their love. and their dreams seemed to sleep away in slumber
of their selves.

"Most probably I regret trusting you more than meeting you,
but you made a big part of my life, which I now have erased.
But a part of me still laughs at, as if nothing bad happened
to break it up. For it is all a cycle I know."


Friday, April 5, 2013

this is a story of peers, fallin in out of love.

Amber, just like her name, was dim in color, a resin, fossilized, that was how she normally felt. Alone and aged in her young athletic body, as she went for runs in the mornings breathing in the cool air and damp moist soil of the suburbia, Putra Heights.

She missed the stresses of school now that she has graduated, and as the day passes, the butteflies in her stomach seem to multiply, waiting for her posting. She knew she finally had the freedom to be alone, everyone had gone their separate ways. Especially after the death of the elder sister, she felt that, being the last and only hope for her parents, it was a great responsibility. She vowed to live it up, like how she did with five years of medical school.

Trying her best to run out from her teenie weenie adolescnet drama she lived daily. Something her elder sister Jazz had always kept in check. This time, she had to do it by herself, and erase Izzudin from her mind. As she freely kicked into the air his six foot tall dark figure in the thin air of the morning by the river.

"Another crush?" Jazz would have said, in her calm, not wanting to know tone.
"nah... nothing at all.." Amber would reply,pausing a breath before mumbling off," so I cant stop saying his name, I wake up saying his name, curse his name and scribble his name, am i crazy or what?"
Jazz would ignore.
"but he;s not handsome or my type or anything.. he dint even notice me, but yeah, we're friends on facebook! anddddd! and he liked our picture," Amber would continue.
Jazz would continue ignoring till Amber stopped her rambles, as Amber feels unheard an unattended to.
"Because he wears specs right? and because he's from KL right?" Jazz will randomly reply.
Hence, Amber continues her rambles like a six year old pacified by a lollipop to stop their tears after a round of scolds and slaps.

Well that was Jazz and Amber.


Wearing her favourite pink kurung, though she knew her color was brown, she headed off to work with ten ringgit in her brand new white coat tht she had kept all the way from her white coat ceremony back in third year. She saved it for this moment. The moment she would finally chop her own prescriptions and handle her own management. The first step to the top.

She vowed to keep start the shiny and outstanding, not that has ever happened, but she knew it had to start somewhere.

As she walked to the 3rd level of the 9 leveled building, there she saw him standing, tall, dark and handsome, the typical guy girls fall for, so she put on her brightest smile, and flipped her tudung up, walked straight up to him.

"Dr Izzudin, Please this way," said a staff nurse.

And there went the figure Amber idolized, and her ambere-ed nature came alive.


Night shifts were Amber's favourite, busy it sometimes may be, but she loved it. She relived moments from when she was a medical student and she walked through the night shifts. It was always excting. One she never missed.

Izzudin had also been on the same shift as hers that night, and so were they the past few weeks, as they were ending their very posting together, though they never got together, nor became close. Amber too had just mellowed down and felt the crush died down.

"Psychological fact, a crush only lasts at max, 3 months, if more, then, it's love"

"Happy birthday," Amber said over her pile of paperwork across the table to Izzudin.

There was a pause.

"huh?" izzudin grunted low.
"err, its April 4th, err, your birthday?" Amber replied.
"aha," Izzudin now startin to look amazed.
Amber smiled low, continuing her paper work,"Sorry I din't get you anything, but if  you want, we could do breakfast, i'm starved, n yes, i Know, it's only 3 am, but-"
Amber stopped in midsentence as she disapproved of lengthening the conversation with someone she din;t speak more than a work related conversation.
"Breakfast sounds cool," Izzudin smirked.


As the first year of housemanship ended, the hospital knew who they both were. They were inseperable in the most separated ways.

Izzudin in his mysterious black audi, as amber drove the old ford her uncle got back from the US. Amber with her mellow tone against the looked up Izzudin for his looks and brains, Amber was a little league behind him. As izzudin a fresh overseas graduate who took the liberty to come back, the only one in his 65 people batch from new Zealand, and Amber a local graduate passing her best, but never the best. It was total opposites, but Amber was too fosillized to wonder and Izzudin was too outgoing to think twice.

They were happy being together.

"What's his secret to being so successful? It's because he's a rich man's kid right? with everything?" Kelli, a peer once asked Amber.
"Simple, he has the passion to be driven forward," Amber answered cooly.
"But come on, he has a bloody Audi living in Damansara, while we all drive our mom's car. We are talking about your boyfriend here, not some car," Kelli pointed.
Amber scrunched her face up,"alot of my friends actually get their first cars, brand new during medical school, they go for luxurious holidays and wear the most awesomest clothes, they are still not back in the country, not do they plan to, and secondly, i am not talking about my boyfriend nor am i talkin about a car because Izzudin isn't my boyfriend and neither is he a car,"
"Fine, so he's drive is his drive? interesting." Kelli rest her case, continues to take up the blood bank.

As they crossed into the final year of their housemanship, Amber stayed cool to her roots, but Izzudin hadn't been off her back. They bought groceries together, went to each other's gatherings, talked to each other about anything under stars, except the stars it self. Amber hadn't mind a bit.

"Hey, your lover is here," said Lawson to izzudin as Amber walked out the OT scrubbed down,
Izzudin just smiled.

Amber smiled across the corridors to the boys.
"Where we lunching, it's on me today," Izzudin said, looking straight into Amber's eyes.
"Cause ice-cream's on me," Amber sighed.
They All laughed, it as second year was waddled into, so were the exams. the exams that some of them had decided to pursue their betterment of careers and patient's wellbeing, their specialisation.

Amber and Izzudin both had separate paths, though they did most of the theoratical work together.


"I'm feeling a little weird," Amber confessed.
"As in?" izzudin puzzled.
"oh nothing," Amber stopped her words, as her thoughts trailed on.

"Why are you so obsessed with him?" Jazz's voiced rung in her head.
"Err. because maybe I like him?" Amber replied in her head looking out the window of Izzudin's fast moving car.
"Can't u stop it with him already," jazz sighed.
" But he's... he's my best friend, even he owes to that!" Amber protested.
"So what is all the pain you feel when he leaves you to do his practicals somewhere else in his oh so mystrious black car, who else sits in your place? To replace you? Who are you but just the happy times, which there just aren't any in medicine, this is medicine Amber, MEDICINE, grow up, your friends left you, your family repro-created, he walked in, and so he shall leave, so did I,"

And  Amber  drove the old ford like drops of the rains in the evening twilight, slow and calm, with thoughts tickling in and out of her mind.

"The proximity of the opposite genders is something forbidden for feelings aren't fruitful unless in the right path."


"You have to let him go, for he has been with you and sacrificed much for you. It's either you study up and prove to him, or...." Jazz seemed to fade.
Amber woke from her bunk bed. It was the 6th of June, the day Jazz left the world. Left Amber and all her stresses, all her hardwork of medicine all on the ropes in the very same room Amber lies.

With that, Amber got the tight rope, and tied it into a knot. Hung it up to remember her sister and soulmate, and release Izzudin free to go.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

another day in the office


so tday,
my mom's colleague asked me to help her out arrange her place..
im lik,

i mean, i don mind..since i hv notin to do pon..
oh darn. i have noting to do.
boring nyer hidup begitu!

so here i lay in my mom's office

panorama view of my mom's office

 but yesterday there was a little road trip (err,exaggeration tu) to kl to settle sum stuff..
and i started snappin KL pics..
with my new app called camera 360,
its really pretty!
lik bammmm..

i love photography.
my friend even suggested tht i bcome a parttime photographer fr wedding n wat not since i love to capture moments..
and since she saw a certain someone's weddin photos n said i'd make a better job out of it..
im very sure i wud have.
but then again,
i'd prefer having fun at my own famly events then being the kuli gambar..
not diminishing the martabat atau maruah photographer, but me being a perfecionist in photography, id mostprolly spend mos of my time on the job then mingling w my famly.
wud i sacrifice tht?

now i rmmber wat i wanted to do these hols.. visit my mak uteh.
very malas to drive.
but very malas to sit here in my moms office too.

i mean,
a twennietwo yr ol shudnot b sitting in an office in her spare time.

muke eight am hari khamis

and then it rained in KL

xoxo, cik amp the photographer

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

pinkday is baskin robbins day!

i started the day LAPAR!

just like how i NORMALLY mmg wud start the day la kan..hehe
so i mengidamkan nasi lemak paru..
any paru wud b fine aslkan paru..
since cuti is the only time super safe to makan organ dalaman..and hopefully the only time i eat erm...cos they are totally bad fr ur health! religion wise (bcos the propeht never ate organ dalaman except the ones that are frm haiwan korban) and also medically speaking (ohmy! very high in choloesterol!!!!!!!!)


but my mom u see is anther kind of people...tak suke oily stuff..
malay stuff OBVIOUSLY OUT of the picture..
so wht came to her mind was
mcm la bagus sgt...hahaha..but never say no to things yg sedap! especially klu org nk belanjakan ok!

so i present.

i actly finished mine way back in the carm,
bcos there was a horrendous JAM all the way back frm kfc to my mos college! 20 minutes fr a normal FIVE minute trip. ANNOYING! n starved.
so nyomnyomnyom in the car while my mom nyengnyong about her article review paper...


then i proceeded to kemas-in her office...since she moved (AGAIN) aishhh!
penat la move2 ni..
i keep forgettin whe my moms room is now wen i come to her college..

then i dint noe wht to do already.
i felt lik sleepin bcos it started pouring..
and my moms new place has a sofa n evrything!
i mean evrything!
a fridge, microve toaster water heater!
boleyh masak d sini!

ok gtg.

mom;s ajakin to lunch at ikea!

lunch w old school bestie husni

pink day!

xoxo,cik amp

Monday, April 1, 2013

cik amp back in her color

*the song above is NOT ditujukan kepada sesape,its just tht,i really lik kayla hang and all her covers! hehe*


today is the last day of march.
a sunday i started early,altho hard fr me to wake up to,
i managed to wakeup! and had a hot steaming melawati nasi lemak paru with my mom at ten am!
awal tu!

and then we drove off to uia...
planning to attack the journals on the shelves and flick thru one by one to find my moms topic...
but hampar nyer.
llik laaa!!!
kami (my mom n i) siap berambek gambar n instagram sebelom masuk library! aishhh!
but nonetheless we did our work,
in my mom's faculty canteen..wic was filled w cats..tht my mom dint letme touch! arghhh!!
i brought my inhaler la! *crosses arms* hahah!

and we had sum intellectual talk..
wic i churned much into tots fr my blog.
*be open minded but not till ur brains fall out with keangkuhan*
*piousness stems frm patience*
*patience is the ultimate solution to a problem, as u put ur trust in Allah*

and a whole bunch of other things...
all generated as i drove back home from uia after a delicious lunch with mom,
as she slept tired, as her intelectual juices and energy was drained the whole morning...

as i was driving home, to fetch my dad to go out with his usuals on weekedn petangs,
my cousin sister txtd me!
not tht we don txt or netin, but since she got married, i tot i lost her, no more my big sister...no more my manja place to gossip with..
but then she ajaked me out fr dinner!
n im lik! yikes!
but i dint wanto put hopes up,sbb i dint noe if my parents were able to..
as i had to cancel my meetup with my other cousin sister earlier today, just i had to cancel friday's..n tht kinda broke my heart.. :((
dah la mengidam sushi..n i cant even look at sushi without seeing nana's face..i mean, she was the closer kakak to me, the one i used to gadoh with, the one tht used to dress me up n pepped talk to me and i followed her butt around..hahaha..*imaginin sniffin her butt around...hahahaha*
but Allah was kind!
at 6,
there i was!

and we went fr sum simple dinner!
and we chatted and gossiped as we walked around the huge paradigm mall.
it was just lik olden times!
mimi 'scolded' me and said, obviously la u dint lose her!...
well, not my fault, mane i tahu wat its gona b like wen ppl get married, bcos org yg dah ade boyfriend seem different je..
*if eka read tht she'd kill me,as wen i compare, she's give me tht look of,"suria,u n sham r ttly different!"*
ape la i nie, anaktunggalsyndrome i tell u
*bykla syndrom aku*

*sry, arini bad tudung day and i was really tudung selempang mode!*

anthr thing tht dawned me today was,
u can b lik others, u can try fitting in, bcos part of fittin in is by standing out.
*cliche n obvious it seems, i needed a reminder of tht*
hence, iv decided to just stay to wat i do best, wic is, speak in english, wear stuff i like, how i like, talk how i like, eat wat i like and smile tht broad smile i love. :))))

to strengthen this,
Allah sent me a friend hum i tot i mite permenantly connect,
*but after a little deep thinkin, i dont think so,but i love her nonetheless*
she asked me a question tht arroused me. arroused my subconcious, and i answered her subconciously, longlong fbchats..tht she replied with very responsive answers.
that i have to seriously consider.
wic i had considered.
but no one actly layed it flat into my face.
problems i dint have many to share with,
*since its bende subconcious kan?*
I need the continous support frm Allah, insyaAllah to get thru insyAllah. for now i shall doa towards it.
i can hear Eka supporting me.
Bi also supported me indirectly about it too.
thank u Allah for all these wonderful people u gift to me.
my mom too, tho shes my mom, n she had been tryin to get the idea a long time ago thru my thick skull, so has my dad come to think of it.

idc if anyone notices or not.
but surgery,
obgyn n......
wait, thts all left in my third yr ke?
well, yeah, you two,
im gona attack u insyaAllah with all my might.
*muke squimish sikit*
*sbb not really into either of those*


so tht was how awesome my day was.
full of berkat.
thank u Allah.
insyaAllah tomoro is anthr full day. :))
my fav.

xoxo, cik amp, back in her colors.