my batchmates asked me if i still hung out at one of my friends place as i used to back in second yr, this maybe due to a response since i seem to be hangin out alone these past weeks.
well guess wht?
memang i hadnt.
but the reason wasnt becasue of any harsh intention, subconcious nor hard feelings,
but due to the tiresome, time fulfilled, and hecticly busy clinicals.
and wen ur the only child and ur the only one responsible for two 63 yr olds, u gotta step on it to beat the jams (n bebelans) hahaha...
surgery had been a blur.
i dont remember it much at all.
as much as i wanted to be fin with it,
my subconcious gave way.
and i felt like i died.
and i think i did.
one part of me died today.
it wasnt there anymore.
i reached out for it,
but i knew it wasnt there.
as my best friend told me,
this is all part of growing up.
i then realised (slowly) that yup.
it was dying.
and when i tot it was dormant,
it kicked me in th butt.
me writing this piece is my final say.
before i face my final end of posting next week for surgery.
wen people ask me if im fine,
im lik,"ill b fine,"
well wat else shud i say?
my mom says i shud say the truth. but wat m i supposed to say?
repeat the whole history taking again n again?
n the other day i was so tired.
i was caught in the act wen i picked up the fon.
(picking up the fon seemed so natural tht i dint notice wht i was doin at the moment)
but i ended up laughin at the end of it.
and the person on the other line dint eve noe wht was rong.
im tht girl hu looks down when i walk.
i m reserved now.
not to say i don talk if u talk to me =.="
not to say i dont laugh at jokes =.="
(nor have i lost my lame sense of impaired sense of humor....--i LOL at the randomest things, lik how chomel my classmate presents her BST, or how the xray looks lik)
its just that clincials is so consuming, and i have been talkin to a few juniors, and they all have been complaining the same thing. its tiring. exhausting. time consuming and ridiculous to score. and at times macam nak mati nak give up.
but we all have the same vision.
the same thought.
we dont wana give up.
we dono wat giving up is.
we love medicine
and thru all n all we love what we r goin thru.
we love the pain.
i love the pain.
the pain of medicine.
i just dont love the pain i inflict or get back.
i m human,
and i plan to put one foot infront of the other.
but my heart.
i can never harden it.
tht i learnt.
god is Maha Lembut.
so i love all those around me.
rasa nak hug je smuaorg evryday.
and i noe tht wud b great, especially wen medicine is tough,
moral support is important.
and im so lucky i got a new friend.
shes not w me all the time.
but i cherish the little times i have with her.
she bullies me,
and i thoroughly enjoy it.
(c i told u i have an impaired sense of humor)
(no, i don condorn bullyin,but this is sisterly bullyin, n me not having a sister,i love it.)
thank u new friend.
which also happen to also be my oldest friend.
mimi and i are good insyaAllah.
we are just busy people.
but we;re close at our hearts.
not tht i need to explain tht to people.
and people can judge us externally,
but we will noe.
n she tot me,
judge one by a heart not by their actions.
but then again,
u shud never judge either,
since we rnt god,
so terima je seadanya.
bottom line of kepenatan.
redha and pasrah are two different tings.
pasrah is wen u give up on an condition and u made up ur mind. u close ur mind, tots and feelings. and feel tht it is sumtin tht cant b overcome.
redha is wen u go thru somtin, sometimes with full geram, full dizalimi, full sadness n broken heartedness, but u take up all ur pieces and all ur negativity, u put them in a bucket, and send them up above to god.
and u noe god will never break it.
so u open everything up and u let it it drain with god's supervision.
and trust me, (or at least god)
tht wen u look back,
there was never negativity. it was all conjured up bcos there was a glitch between u n god
and tht broken heart,
if its someone tht Allah restui,
ur heart never broke,
cos guess wht? it grew!
it was like tht seed.
tht seed u threw on the ground to grow,
it knew, it had to b in the dirt to grow up and be beneficial :))
im just so glad i wrote this.
i feel so relieved.
cos im sunshine.
don hurt me,
cos remember mars.
half of it looks at the sun n gets burnt
and the other half tht turns back turns cold.
and if ur too far lik pluto,
then one day, ull just b a moon and no more in the constellation of the solar system.
"lik the butterfly, left by their loved one, to grow, grown 2 weeks later, to a beautifully colored god's creation,"
lets move on.
put tht foot infront of other
and cleanse our hearts.
only to live again.
xoxo, cik amp,