I drove out today.
in the haze of a blur.
eyes slit lik.
mouth and nose covered.
wearing this new appearance of hijabi with purdah made lowering my gaze so much easier.
as soon as i step out in to the open,
i lower my eyes to cover it from the dust.
as days went by,
the beauty of purdah.
its the utmost hijab.
my speech becomes less.
i eat less.
i look down.
and i make sure my aurah is completely covered.
suara itu aurat.
did u noe?
i found out back in cfs. and i never feared it until acouple of days ago when i realised.
ud noe its me.
banyak nyer dosa.
but purdah is a way of living.
and it is not just the cover of ur head to toe.
but also ur personality.
not to say u have to stay at home and masak kat dapur.
but it means ur clothes,
the tone of ur speech,
the way u carry urself.
the things u do.
the place u go.
all eyes will b on u, as only ur eyes will speak.
angkat tangan tinggi2 for no reason to stretch in the middle of no where.
can u do tht?
can i do tht?
will i end as a hypocrite?
today as i cleaned out my lappie of my nosentical stuff (as my dad quotes)
i wana hjrah.
i really do.
im sorry if i have done wrong,
but help me towards the better.
goodbye cik amp.
“Demikianlah nafsu kita. Dengan didikan, ia menjadi jinak, lumpuh, malah membeku. Seperti ular itu tadi. Tetapi nantikan nafsu itu terkena sedikit tempias keenakan dosa dan nikmat dunia, bisa sahaja ia menjadi seperti ular berkenaan” nasihat Maulana Jalaluddin al-Rumi. - See more at: http://saifulislam.com/2013/06/mengurus-sindrom-pasca-taubat/?fb_action_ids=10151725023717679&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%7B%2210151725023717679%22%3A401165929989517%7D&action_type_map=%7B%2210151725023717679%22%3A%22og.likes%22%7D&action_ref_map=%5B%5D#sthash.BAvQ59iH.dpuf
i stepped into the wards seeking refuge in Allah as I just discovered tht potong of ayah tht i discovered earlier the first day of OBGYN, which literally meant, "NO ONE besides Allah can rescue a soul from hardship,"
Walk on through a red parade
and the day was awesome.
obgyn has been ever since awesome :))
the normal deliveries, the csects, the episiotomies, the artificial rupture membranes..
the posting i hated the most turned out to b one of the best so far. (tho i stll love the hecticness of internal med okayh!)
I noe i havent even finished my third yr,
n only SOMEWHT HALFWAY in obgyn..
but it has been alhamdulillah.
the first time i saw a delivery,
doctor: are u having fits?
me: err*twisting my hands straight* No *shakes head slowly*
lets just say,mmm.. i kan xbrape suke OBGYN in the beginning, so to me, it was a TTLY new experience to c a fetus being born into a baby. (so i was wriggling away in the labor room,..macam cacing kepanasan alone) i hated embryology. and i dont lik babies. and NEVER touched a perot!
so wen i c something bein pushed in the birth canal,
macam tu ke?
the first time i touched a tummy to feel the baby parts,
i nearly teared.
i felt the knob lik sturctures,
the first time it kicked me,
i was awesomely teruja.
thinking about it is funny.
the hyper suria.
it turned out not so bad,
it turned out good actly.
better thn i remember my paeds days tht i remember hazey a bllur lik haze tht has befallen klang n pj n shah alam.
maybe its bcos i left it in the hands of Allah.
i left it ALL in the hands of Allah.
is my blessing alhamdulillah.
all its gruelling.
stress and due dates.(literally and subtextually)
all have made me closer to my Creator.
to MY Lover.
to My Raqib.
My Allah swt.
if the thing u do in life doesnt bring u closer to god,
then i dont think it is worth it at all.
i xkesah wat field i m in,
asal i m closer to god.
mayb its not wat my primary ambition was.
but it was the ambition my parents had vested in me.
thank you Allah.
even tho i m so jinxed with my case write up.
i always fall sick evrytime its duedate.
there must b some sort of hikmah.
my sister texted me,"may ur pain erase ur sins away,"
thank u sister.
i m so glad tht my closest to me r in medicine. and they c tht it brings us closer to Allah.
like Eka's fav ayat,
"one hu saves one, is lik saving all,"
so to all taking medicine,
planning to take medicine,
just LEAVE it all to ALLAH!
every morning siapkan niat.
lame it sounds.
(cos i always said,"siapa xde niat tu,")
my step to these hospitals is to learn.
not because i wana b top of my class. not because i wana beat my classmates, not because i wana appeal smart to others so i can b envied, cherished n mesmerise them all.
(tapi tht doesnt mean i wan to b the bottom of the class, stupid and bagai, because did u noe tht striving excellence is part of aqidah?)
utk visit the sick.
(a good deed prescirbed my our beloved Prophet s.a.w.)
hence, giving them chance for pahala too.
dalam kesakitan mereka,
they get to teach us the signs n symptoms they go thru. indirectly dapat pahala.
bcos i will always rmmber tht uncle hu had asthma n got admitted, and tht abang hu was a HIV patient, tht adek w janeway lesions, tht kakak with myasthenia gravis...
utk menjadi khalifah allah.
tht every step i take in the hospital.
is for Allah.
it is my duty.
as the vicegerant of Allah.
(i learnt and was reminded in a seminar i went tht we, medical students actually have a role in the system to the betterment of patients!)
and we all have our plus points.
maybe my sunshine.
n thts wat i go to wards daily bringing. (insyaAllah)
i feel tht it is all lost. cruel it was taken away. mean tht it was dampened)
but wen i think about it again,
it wasnt lost, taken away, dampened or any sort of stolen away
Allah kept it for me. :))
nothing in this world is ours.
even feelings arents ours.
why else wud u ask god?
ask Him to grant us a good life?
because He even tells us to not be sad.
sadness itu pun bukan kita pnya!
if u ask each every one of those patients in the hospital,
u will learn tht they all have their stories. stories tht brought them there.stories tht got them there.
all stories tht will definitely remind u of Allah.
whether its the uncle hu leaves alone bcos he doesnt have any other family members, alhamdulillah we have our families right?
or tht aunty hu has 9 children, but only one take care of her may we become tht one child in our family or have a family tht everyone takes care of our moms n dads
or tht aunty tht lost all her money to her adopted children masyaAllah, may our harta wont b the rebutan of others keharaman, jagalah kami, keluarga kami dan smua yg kami sayangi dari sifat tercela.
and these stories teach u.
and remind u,
tht its up to u how u wan to c all these stories.
whether u want to bersyukur to Allah they din happen to u.
or whether u wanto kutuk people fr their flaws, pakcik dulu tak solat? ish3, pakcik dulu ambek dadah? ish3, pakcik tak tahu apa itu zakat? ish3
well tariq ramadhan once said, do not belittle of those people's sins, because they can taubat, and b as best as they can, but you? what about ur sins talking about them? hus goin to pay tht?
(a paraphrase n alittle modification)
the prophet once said,
(paraphrasing) envy eats up ur good deeds lik how the wood is being eaten up by flames.
but there are somethings tht i can still baiki.
things tht i learnt,
lik reminding them to solat.
asking them about their solat.
in the hospital setting.
towards an Ibadah friendly hospital.
i wonder hw the patients are in HTAR today. with the haze so thick. the fumes of trees. suffocating.
i had to shut my windows and curtains tight. the sight of the haze itself intoxicates me.
19th of july is my showdown.
the beginning of the third yr end.
the first yr of hospital exposure is ending.
the people i met,
the person iv been moulded, in n out, and up and down, n slow and fast, new and old.
the perks i had gotten. weird and good, sad and syukured, sikit and banyak.
the perghhhhs i had to go thru. lame and bodoh, crazy and wacky.
Its always the same dream. Always the same people. I may or may not see them, but I know they are there. They normally say not a word, but i do all the talking. But sometimes, its all silent, as if we are all talking telepathically.
It doesnt fear me anymore, the naked to classes, bookless to first day of school or the voiceless, tireless screams. But, it haunts my nights. my so called eight hours of peace and solitude.
I have never told anyone this, but i went back to the same house, this time, it was a comfort, though it was dark, there was light at the corner for me to talk to my parents. Then as i settled it, things changed as i moved into my car, my favourite spot. I was with a classmate that I have learnt to make friends with. I was pouring my soul to her, though I knew I shouldnt, and I actually wasnt. Not out in aloud, but she cried anyways. And as I apologised, she just laughed her laugh, though I could here her saying (in her head), "Yes you shouldnt pour it out to me,"
Its been three years since, and it still plays in mind. When I pass a car of yours, or see you favourite crisp on the 7eleven rack, I flash back to three years back. And I continue walking, "Hasbi Robbi Jallah, Ma fi Qolbi Ghairullah, Nur Muhammad Sallawah," I'd chant. Besides, everyone has walked away. Only God has been there.
Alhamdulillah for the light of Iman, the course of life I had been through, it has been gruelling, as my cousin once said, "Yes, I may be lucky that I had a good childhood, worry free, stress free and financially independent, and this may be my only obstacle, but you will be there for me right?" I nodded silently and hugged her, as I thought to myself that I had quite the opposite, but this new phase of life seems to unfold itself slowly.
"Its your last day here," Amran started finishing his file.
"Yes it is," I looked up.
"And how do I say no now?" I thought to myself, as I had always avoided associating freely with the opposite gender.
As if knowing what was going through my scarfed head, hand socked hand and covered feet, Amran suggested,"Downstairs?"
It was a quiet morning, as it wasnt lunchtime yet, the food was hot off the oven, just perfect after a long night oncall. There was spagetthi bolognese, crunchy fried liver, sweet sour fish, sambel petai and grilled fish on the menu.With only ten ringgit in my pocket, I decided rice, half a cup, two pieces of sweet sour fish and fresh ulam.
"I finished my lunch!" I chimed in delight.
"As if that is amazing?" Amran thought in his head, looking puzzled, till words actually came out from his mouth which were,"Are you on diet?"
"Nope, I never finish my food," I shrugged.
Amran continued smiling in his amazement to my bewildering words.
"I'll miss you when you leave,"
I was robbed from words then, and continued to look at my superior medical officer, 2 years older than me, blinking and raising my eyebrow, as I shook my head laughing.
But everyone leaves.
"I would like to meet your parents, but I know you are from a very busy family, hence, I'd like to ask you directly for your hand in marriage, would you be Halal for me?" Amran said calm and slow, eyes straight in the eyes of me, the 26 year old Hijabi.
I numbed myself.
I let a small smile.
Then I just looked down.
But why me?
"Uncle, Aunty, I, Amran, your daughter's colleague, would like to make her Halal for me," Amran affirmed at the end of lunch while my father drank his white coffee, my mother had her favourite banana split and I just entertained the conversation between all 4 of us.
"It is the 21st century now young man, the decision is now not in my hands but in the hands of the women who shake the world." gesturing to me.
For the first time, I actually felt butterflies in my stomach while I looked at this man that I have been working with for the past 4 months with. Going to seminars with him, learning the practical aspects of clinical medicine for real with a chop in my hand, with medical students wanting to shadow me, and he was there to take the knife to the board for me. I continued to giggle on the table, and my parents seemed happy. And there it was, the first meeting of him and me, the outer picture and seen away from the hospital setting, away from my bawal tudung and formal clothing into my shawl and wedges and the flowy pink skirt that I'd never die wearing to hospitals. Him in his jeans and collared tshirt.
As everything went smoothly, my name had changed, formally called Dr Rahimah, homely Imah, to now, Chinta. The one year of convincing myself that getting married was the right thing to do was a breeze. There was no doubt, no hindrance and no complications either. My family got together, as Amran helped out alot.
But how long?
The transition was even more simpler, as I settled in his family's house with a welcoming majlis syukur. I teared the first night I stepped my foot at my in-laws. I felt somewhat complete. My religion was complete.
They reminded me my sunat prayers, we attended majlis ilmu together.
"As long as you have your mothers doa, that is how long the angels will make doa for you, that is how long you are lucky to have the doa of a mother," an ustaz said. I teared, after i remember my mother, her gruellings, her never give ups, her troubles and the subtle outcasts she went through, yet she fought silently. "thank you Ibu for your doa," I silently prayed.
Till one day,
I had those dreams again. It was the same people. The same place. The same tears. This time i woke up sobbing. Amran was doing his early reading for his Masters class. As if knowing my past, he hugged me. I knew, he was just one of God's arms. God has been kind. God has always made sure I had someone as I had these tears of sobs. Even alone, the sunshine never failed to rise, and a new day started for me to shine.
"These tears need to stop," softly he whispered in my ears,
Then we continued to zikir my favourite. "Allahumma solli ala muhammad, tibbilqulubi wada i ha, wa afati obsori wajia iha," Selawat syifa.
The next day, Amran got me a surprise. He took me to his favourite place, since I still had trouble choosing food and never finished my food, unless I was with him. And there, I met my fears, in purple, seated at my spot, looking out the windows to the great fountains. I was reunited with one I had separated for about 5 years now. The person that thought me how to open up, when I never had, and since the separation, I had reclused myself away and further away.
Amran called her softly with his cherry voice, as I let him go. I dint have the urge to turn, nor to tear up. But I went numb with a smile. I felt the warmth in the heart of myself. I felt that emptiness I felt years ago filled, not with the man who now calls me his with Chinta, not with the baby that is in me, but with Allah and all His mercy that he had showered me all these years. My smile then turned into a happy one. And she came to embrace me.
those dreams now are all gone.
It took me years, doas, and solats.
They said time heals, I highly doubt it,
because I discovered, I couldnt let go because she was the other half of me. And she now has 2 lovely children of hers. Sharp features like her, beautiful animation like the father.
Time was the perantara of us, it was the healer that God gave us to endure. And it was beautiful. InsyaAllah.
cultural difference lies not in your colour.
not in the way you dress.
not the race u are called.
because the real race a person is actually ones roots.
not his or her colour.
not his or her religion.
yes, those may bring people together,
but then again there are times people differe from each other within tht subset.
mosprolly thts the beauty of Gods creation.
mentioned times again in the Quran in surah 49.
(im unable to quote at this moment as im busy with my moms work to go cari)
Allah has created mn of different types.
i mean common, we are all unique with all each our own fingerprints!
hu cud come out with billions of prints?
so the key is tht,
we find these cliques to amke us comfy and be accepted.
bu y cant we just accept people of different walks of life?
tak paksa pon.
i have been thinking alot of peoples similarities and differences and where we all actly come from?
wher does our talk,
where our strut
where our fashion
and tots come from.
and i realised,
i come from a lil place called Assunta.
it still runs in my blood.
its my old alma mater.
and ofcos they were some ngeng experiences n such.
thts wat made me,
dengan samm and eshie semalam,
my malay dint seem funny,
my gaya bdana wasnt sarcasm,
my gedikness was totally natural,
my english was teratur. understood, replied n responded to.
diusik lik crazy.
laugh lik mad.
and silent in our concentrating moments.
but we enjoyed.
the class i and sam masak dulu in form 2 (which kinda blew up)
10 yrs down the line,
we masak awesome!
maybe SHE bbakes well
i sift stuff je.
too much from yesterday tht i switched away from the world today.
n walaupun banyak lag dr smlm,
tp saya cuma nak highlight.
yang betapa sweet nya manusia dalam byk differences.
surgery dah over!
and i was lucky,
i had exam on khamis, so jumaat was 'cuti'.lik 'weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee'
wee with '''' okayh.
wic literally means,
but thankfully kelas today finished early?
and i rushed to tyra's place as she only has this week as a cuti before she starts her internship next week
and her house in bukit jelutong is only a stone's throw away, kelip kelip mata dah sampai :))
though we had plans to go out,
(i wanted to watch KIL or any movie la!)
but we ended up borak-ing and watching a moovie in her house.
macam saya cuti sakansz
cos thats wen i mean my june is BUSY
the above is the first thing i got signed up.
takde masalah la kan.
since i instagram lik 10 pictures a day
*i have a secret target for my birthday*
and for today,
3rd of june:
on my table.
i decided to use my table in uni
since i RARELY sit at my study table.
and how better to start this june dresed up
may this month bring barakah :)
my bestie's favourtie posting tht she had been waiting since we started.
not my favourite, (opposites attract)
since my suposedly fav was the very first posting in paeds.
tho iv gotta say my thoroughly fav was medicine.
wen i had the freedom to clerk lik crazy by myself...
and even without the oncalls and stuff, i had an awesome tym
(bsides psych---heheh---n we all noe y, to b exact the lunchgang)
kishi is my ketua class.
kishi: ur so cheery already
me: oh. i m? *a tone down*
kishi: oh no! thts a good thing.
im likk tht coffee bean tht dr DD had lectured us back in 2nd yr (MBBS IMS MSU will noe)
i first bcame the carrot,
then came back as the egg.
iv succumbed to the coffeeeeeee
tapi lebeh precise,
im just the sunshine la.
hot and reactive ;)
insyaAllah smiles all the way.
with some drooping of the eye lids as medicine has times tht u go downnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn and jump into tht infinite hole of absurdism!
and then ur like,
"wht the heck, im not goin down, the only way im moving is up,"
then u climb out of the hole.
and here i m, diggin my own hole la kan.
weekend aritu malas nak bukak lappie,
arini full on blast lappie.
wear muslimah clothing.
i said to my mom,
"i wana b alim
then i tot to myself.
does it really need to b said?
do ppl really need to change?
does appearance really say it all?
isnt it enuf just to a niat?
change for the better is ofcourse needed, but how do u noe wht is correct anyway?
i have been withdrawing myself to reading many islamic books.
amongst the first,
"sesejuk maaf di kalbu"
it was the most beautiful read iv read.
it was just beautiful.
short and sweet.
i see myself writing sucha piece. (of course in english)
but i hadnt had the time,
(tho i hav been scribbling stuff randomly)
let me tell u about "sesejuk maaf di kalbu"...its a beautiful story about 3 friends hu meet in kindergarden and how they come from 3 very different families, all from different walks of lives, with different types of problems. of the sterotyped problems.
one. the rich but neglected child.
two. the poor and neglected child.
three. the poor but very cared for child.
u can guess hu succeeds and hu ultimately fails, (only one fails at the end.)
n of course the one hu fails miserably is the one hu had resources of tidak halal, neglection and kesempitan tht he gets left behind from the other 2.
the beauty of this friendship is the fact tht they are all like brothers.
and wen their bond is broken, it is very sad, as wen the other two blossom slowly into good responsible people, one of them gets left behind, digging his hole of hell deeper and deeper and the otehr two friends just left him.
left him to lubang jahanam,
walhal they claimed themselves to b brothers.
until the mment the saddest one dies.
even tho he was left behind.
and he was jailed.
and led a terrible life.
never helped by his bestfriends.
on the hanger.
as a punishment.
but the beauty of it is tht,
he had this small loop of faith.
a small light of iman.
a shed of love from the almighty Allah.
he was never forgotten by the bestfreinds.
and even though they werent with him,
they prayed the best for him.
and their prayers were answered.
he died in peace.
and as the 2 bestfriends felt remorse for not helping him out, they knew.
they knew he had forgiven them,
he harbored to feelings of dissatisfaction to his friends hu left him n the lurch.
he let them go.
and he had repented.
ad his body seemed so peaceful on his deathbed.
imagine, all the crap he went thru,
he was a robber,
masuk kua jail sorg2,
and walaupun bestfriends dye ttglkan dye,
which then brings me to a hadith i found on instagram.
it sounds something along the lines of:
di padang mahsyar nanti,
We are allowed to bring our friends in to heaven with us,
because it seems, there will be men hu will ask God, "Allah, where are my friends?" wen he enters jannah,
then Allah will reply,"go, go and call ur friends to heaven with u,"
it teared me.
friends because it is our responsibility as a khalifah of Allah in this earth.
to love another muslim because we are muslims.
if u ask me,
i love my non muslim friends too very much.
they are the sweetest.
lets doa they get hiday ammah and khassah :))
bcos they are so baek.
my high chool bestie was one of the most solehah-est daughter iv met.
at the tender teen yrs, she nevr once went against th words of her mother. (demanding mom iv got to say)
never asked for anything, was content with wateve was given to her.
never questioned her mother, ape lagi marah.
i honestly adore tht characteristic of hers.
such a good person to her mother.
:') even i as a muslim hu believes in the Prohpets words tht my heavens lie below the feet of my mother cant b tht angelic to my mother.
even now in uni, i c all these very hard working friends hu enter medicine to fulfill the dreams of their parents and their hard earned money.
im on a scholarship.
(of course, i still pau my parents---hehe)
how baek are they?
their sleepless nights.
their dark circles.
their haphazrad worries about studies.
i envy their attitude
they are such good daughters n sons.
if only they were muslims.
with their disciplince, im not terkejut if they bcame muslims, ill b put to shame.
even now i m.
rapo mereka with people pun sungguh mulia.
i have to say even muslim friends i noe are ten times more kasar,
more sarcastic then them.
it saddens me,
my heart is sad.
my soul yearn islam.
to unite for the best.
regardless of thei appearence,
tuudung lilit, socks on, hand socks off or tudung laboh.
look beyond tht.
watch ur words
(for me, expresi muka)
watch ur behaviour,
look at the so called NONmuslims.
they are wayyyyyyyyyyy better than us.
im not talkin tht we hav to b politically called muslims.
we just need to noe it ourselves.
it starts with ourselves.
it starts with a small window of care.
just because orang shove us away sebab of our difference views,
tak semestinya buah pisang berbuah dua kali.
did u noe the prophet never gav up.
he always had the best intentions in people.
he say the best in people.
he did not avert away from people.
he forgave enemies bfore they asked for forgiveness.
he befriended enemies.
once, a non muslim came up to him asnd said,
"so, ur the prophet, give me something of urs,"
and muhammad pbuh gave.
we are humans.
but sampai bila kita nak guna alasan tu?
sampai bila kite nak cari bende yang kite tak sama?
kenapa tak leyh focus on bende yg kite sama?
kenapa tak tangok pada yg jaoh?
may really puched me to write.
but i was too emotionally unstable to write.
i think now tht evryhing tht kurang,
opposition is good.
if everything went the same way,
then we wud never learn,
tapi mengapa sampai melarat-larat?
mengapa lelaki skrg terlallu emosi?
too emotional tht u guys are carrying these unnecessary feelings on and on.
accept tht certain ppl may hav made their mistakes,
but dont make the mistake of elaborating their mistake and draggin it on.
what if tht person/body has taubat?
are u goin to b the person yg menghalang those ppl from entering the gates of heaven?
do you want to be responsible to be the perrson hu caused ppl to suffer after suchan incidence had happened?
do we have to luahkan negativity?
mengapa laratkan lagi negativity?
i wish people found titik persamaan and worked on similarities instead of breakin up due to sum differences.
but i noe.
this must bw the suratan ilahi.
hence i dont question it.
i feel tht it is a problem tht can be resolved.
all it needs it belief.
jika kita rasa kita akan bersatu.
satu hari kita akan.
tetapi aku lihat,
cahaya kepercayaan sudah hilang.
sudah larut bagai dek malam.
semakin gelap, di senja kala.
hati ku redup dan awan menjadi mendung.
EngKau tahu apa yang Terbaek.
I will do my best with those around me.
but i leave the rest to u.
remember each society starts as a family.
a family may not always be 'perfect'
tapi percaya lah.
it is always 'perfect' for each person.
perfectly difunctional so tht anak2 boleyh ambil iktibar to never do sucha thing.
perfectly perfect so tht anak2 bersyukur dgn apa yg mereka ada
perfectly adequate supaya mereka tidak kekurangan dan ade peluang utk grow
perfectly broken so tht Allah will patch them together.
theres no such thing as imperfect.
how do u want to c it?
appeal to me please.
i only want the best.
mengapa maseh tarek the past ke present?
let it go.
mula a fresh.
cari la lubang fresh.
busy urself to start fresh.
kita perlu bersatu.
perpecahan itu bukan islamic.
jgnla biarkan saudara islam kita disisihakan.
jgn la sisihkan mereka dgn hidung tinggi kita, dengan bju lawa kita, dgn makanan mahal tidak termampu kpd meraka, kereta besar kita tak terdaya mereka naek, perangai endah tidak endah kita,
buka la hati mu.
sesungguhnya Allah terlalu banyak kasih an sayang nya,
saya harap u got something from this piece of blog from the every busy me,
as i submit in my resume to be a writer.
xoxo,cik amp hati terbuka walaupun kpd kegelapan dan kedinginan, sbb itulah kehidupan yg allah telah beri.