♥ Drama Queen ♥

Sunday, December 29, 2013

my TOF weekend

salams frm the tastebudless susuafifi!

i started my TOF weekend about 30odd kilometres away frm Putrajaya..
as i had a fine walk to class with my beloved bestie.

saturday class is not a misnomer in medical school boohoo.

so i said,
how am i going to compete with Hidayah?
she replied,
ur Afifah!

tht honestly,
took my breath away.
as far as 'don-get-stuck-to-moments' go.
its nice to noe tht people value u.
its nice.

eventhough as i was reminded,

its nice.
and i cant help if i feel the niceness du i?

i then proceeded to a sneeze frenzy tht day,
which then lead me to the rooms of the doctors today.
which laid me on the bed for most part of the day.
making me miss the most anticipated wedding of the yr!

but all in all,
wen i was sad the past few months,thinkin tht i cudnt go for Twins of faith,
Allah answered my sadness,
He knew best.

thank u Allah. #alhamdulillah

Friday, December 20, 2013

Mujahadah tersendiri

as i scrolled down my instagram,
i saw my new US friend hu reiterated how the muslims around her place give her tht weird look when she walks by bcos shes a newbie. newbie to the fashion, newbie to the religion.
she just reverted.

so i replied,
u don need to b a revert to get tht,
anyone can give u tht look,
even in muslim countries.

then i smirked to myself.
(in the most refletive way my life could possibly be)

mujahadah ku.

i continued scrolling.

then i met this post, quoting tawfique chowdry's line,
"the satan will not allow u to go for ur first step, bcos he is afraid of the amount of energy Allah will give u as support after ur first step"

my smirked turned into a smile.

its these little things tht keep u back onto the track.
whenever i feel a drift,
i ask to be returned.
i feel gettin away and away.

but little did i c,
even when i feel tht "im all alright"
have i strayed away and away too.


if we reflect,
on ourselves,
what we go thru daily,
we can only find tht Allah really is the Ultimate Lover.

AS i felt my back wanting to break into two while i presented earlier this week,
there was no reason for such a pain, as i had rehearsed the same old steps on the same patient before the presentation infront of my peers just a couple of hours before tht.
then i found my flaw.

it just showed how big of a deal the connection we have with Allah,
miss it once,
and imagine,
thts wht u feel,
what if Allah really did let my back break while i was lifting my patient's leg?
but He didnt.

as i walked back to my car,
i took a different route back,
as today was my off day from the wards, 
(bcos we finished wards late yday night)
(but i had a tonne of errands to run anyways)
in my white coat,
i actly did some shoppin in the hospital today.
never have i had tht luxury before this,
so as i continued walking slowly,
this aunt who was selling looked up and greeted me,
"Assalamualaikum Puan Doctor,"

i just smiled back,
ameen wasalam.

***That mind of a strong woman.***

IN her mind it raced,
the thought of hate,
the thought of being under the conquer of a man

to the whims and fancies of a man
to the stroke of man's ego,
the weakness of emotions of a woman,
the dependency on to another being called man.

but as races went,
it faded out,
it rushed through
just like how closes death each step we take.

so did new thought arise,
the continuity of ummah,
the passing of knowledge
the mahabbah of islam
the encompassing of mankinds' care n love.

for now,
only supplications of love,
of protection,
of blessing,
for him who she was made for.
from Whom Who Made Her and Them.



kertas kerja orang baik

salam jumaat at 3am.

it has been a long week.
stress up,
and back down.

n i said, (without feeling) this is only a student;s life.
but my heart seemed to be apeace with it.
but not tht i everted away from mengadu-ing to my Allah.

and He then reminded me.
thats my call.

and so does my bed,
not sure if i can really function anymore.
and for some reason, kinda sad my usrah chgd its topic tmr.
was really looking forward to hadith discussion.

husnu zon terhadap kebaikan!

and confidence levels will b up!

syafakillah to my bestie mimi.!


Monday, December 16, 2013

Mahasiswa Cemerlang

As cliche,
and formal the topic goes,

this weekend was a good one,

so salams from the rather exhausted participant.
"emotions are infectious"
as my friends slept on me during the second slot of today's camp thingy majiggy..i was wide awake n fully attentive to the presentation up on stage..
but later,
during one of the hypnosis sessions,
i actly felt sleep, a deep one on my own shoulders.

but all thru all,
as the organisers reminded us again n again to betulkan niat,
i m quite confident i got what i had intended this weekend.
and tht exhaustion is a mixture of infectiously transmitted by the kelenaan of zarra on my lap n mimi on my shoulder...haha..
but i noe how tired they were,
with less than 4 hours of sleep,
last night's programme ending past midnight and this morning's qiyam..
alhamdulillah n lucky them all!
dapat byk pahala!
while u noe hu was home as my moms not well.
exhausted jugak driving up n down from my home to msu and back and forth buying food n stuff for my parents,,phewww..
reflecting back, now i noe how it felt for my mom to fetch me (on nearly a daily basis) from her college to assunta...oooh.

minus the lil flaws they had,
i had a good bonding time with mimi,
new people and future mbbs students (hu repeatedly asked me,susah x mbbs?)
which earlier on preceeded with, "akk mbbs?" with tht quizzical disbelief face,
which i then replied with, "xde muka mbbs ek?"

for a weekend, i actly forgot the worries of mbbs,
i forgot i was a serious medical student,
i was reminded what uni life is all about,
i was reminded, i m no more tht young kid,
i was actly a fourth yr student,
which in other courses translated to their final yr students.
a yr till graduation,
well, i really du look forward to 2014, for me to finally answer the question,
"when r u graduatin"
with the answer,"next yr" *with a huge plastered grin*

tht grin..

i cant do nothing about tht,
i already imagine me on my wedding day,
as the nikah goes in the masjid,
as Maria Elena "yesssses fist!", i imagine a suria wide big fat grin XDDDD


"oh when the time comes, kiss me slowly"

Mahasiswa Cemerlang.
it was one heck of a weekend.
as i was reminded  i m a kakak

wat more awesome is wen i cud actly praise the ustaz's slot.

back to wards tomoro.

eh wait,

Sometimes when the path ahead is cloudy & unclear, all you have to do is sit tight with Tawakkal, and let Him pilot your life to clearer skies. The ride won't come without turbulence, but with Him at the helm, you'll never fall.

"And whoever is conscious of Allah - He will make for him a way out (from every difficulty)" (Surah at-Talaq, 65:2)

alhamdulillah for the weekend!

Friday, December 13, 2013

hello there awak, i noe u.

lets be alone together,
we can stay young forever.

as a friend of mine from the imfigement of imagination once asked me about the triavias of fourth yr, as do i ask of her third yr n beyond,
my answer,
"i don watsapp neither do i hold converstaions with my fav person,tht is how busy i "
and she understood quickly.

so when new challanges come up,
and i turned them down,
i slowly pujuk my heart,
pacify it tht this has been written for me,

and wen i was given the chance to be with my loved one this weekend, it seemed as happy as ever.
but hu m i to choose?

as the day dissolves into night,
my eyes grow rings of weight i have left long time ago.
it has come to visit me again,
as i had asked from my Guardian, my Creator.
this time,
a new form.
something familiar,
yet a maybe 2.0 version id say,

threading on the fact tht Allah only tests those hum He loves,
i feel a chug of ball stuck just below the epiglottis as it had earlier today.

as a bifocal,
or shall i say multifocaled lens in the God gifted pair of eyes,

i remain to distract myself away.
as my feet can bring me away,
so can my heart.

as sadness shroud,
i am confident,
stormy weathers never last.
i will.

i will miss these days.
just how i miss being close to my bestie.

as a five yr old soul tht might lurk in the dark corners of my life,
i will trample it over,
just like a metamorphed butterfly,
my wings shunted together over the windy storms of the monsoon,
but soon to be lifted by the cooling winds and warm embrace of love.

for now.
i may need to be just like how i grew up.

When sunshine lost its rays

Just kiss me slowly.
The clouds came over to cool her down,
As they blew her face,
And shed tears to console her gloomy self,
The stars came out to play.

And she said,
Just stay with me.
Stay with me,

But when the time came,
The moon came to play and like lovers that have never met, but destined to love each take their roles.

The sun then asked,
What happens when the time came the helium runs out and my hydrogen doesn’t react?

The moon then replied,
It doesn’t matter,
U started without it,
U will end  without it,
As long as u return to the One hu created you.

The sun then danced thru.
The rain tht soon dried,
The land tht began to flourish with the rains' seeds,
It dint seem to matter anymore.

The sun then realised,
It was made a thousand miles away,
And even further from the lands,
The distance had a meaning,
And it followed its due course,
As the Creator did,
The wind need not blew her to comfort,
Neither did the rain need to tear for her,
Because she knew,
She had an ulterior purpose.
Even if her rays grew warmer,
Or paled out lik the gases tht ran out,
She has a Creator,
A Creator tht fixed what's due east and west.
A Creator that the Most Wisest and The Most Knowledgeable,
When time finally came to an end,
She would only need to answer to Him,
And even if the tears of clouds and the storms of fear shrouded her, isolated her up in the sky,
She knew she had her Creator.

Her rays may tarnish,
As it will,
But she had to be with her Almighty.

Her rays may dampen,
As it will,
But it was just another course of time.

Her rays may stand alone, scorched and hollow,
But it was just part of fate, cos at the end,
She knew, she was never left.
Allah was watching.
Allah is testing,
And Allah is the Most caring.

the Pink one

Compared to the stallion,
The black courts,
Strong and durable,
It doesn’t stand anywhere,
only to be trampled.

Like a woman,
Soles so flat,
Covers  so worn.

To tell a tale,
To confide her secrets and to reiterate the muddy life of a ballerina,
She knew she had a choice,
A pair of specs tht has the power to bifocus, to see the far and adjust to the near.

So she chose the life of a vision,
Her bows shining gold,
And the footpaths she had imprinted.
The imprints she lead,
And the trails she followed.
Blurring out the seasons of cold loneliness, n seasons stampede.
cos no one wants hear of death.
but the warmth of presence soothes her enuf.

hugs of embrace cheers her up.
presence itself is a gift wonderful

Compared to stallion,
Bold and durable,
She wasn’t,
But she was pink in environment,
Soothing to eyes and cheerful as she went.

Her laughters echoed when they did,
And her tears disappeared seeming they never existed.

Her owner called upon her,
She fit in solely
Righting before the left,
Following suit as best as possible,
Through puddles of rain.
As water waddled in with stench.

The pink then once broke,
Its sole left black like the tar on the road.
Her imprints only to be trampled and her laughs to be turned temporary.

As she fought daily to battle her daily scars,
The stallion came once again,
High and mighty.

Blind the Pink must be,
A toddler of age in a shelf of maturity.
Shame on Pink.
Lame on Pink.

I then saw her lay there lonely.
Left to mend her heels that fell sore.
Her heels that felt blunt,
Her heels so badly shaped.
A bad pear on the shelf of strong apples.
The unhealthy choice.
The quiet in the bright.
The walker amongst the higher runners.

But that was her fight,
I saw in the old wooden shelf next to the tough black stallion.
The ball in the courts supports no one of the weak,

Then I picked her up.
Adopt her as mine,
Brought her to places I never travelled and learnt new experiences,
It wasn’t the shoes fault,
I am the wearer,
I decide wear I go,
Even into a big ballroom of dancers,
Or a quiet library full of books.
There will always be place for the cheerful pink,
Even as stained,
Even as tired it is,
Because it is the wearer,
Not the shoe.
The stains make it just another creation,
Defined, not judged.
Felt, not let go.

As the shoe went on,
So did my life.
I wished to be swallowed like the Pink that can wallow away.
But I am the wearer, not the worn,
At the moment, wallowing away as tied as an invisible handcuff.
Still fighting.

Mujahadah di jalan Allah.

Getaran Jiwa

written across time 12.12 n 13.12 3012:

I woke up today not having many plans.
But noeing tht I have a long day ahead, and noe-ing tht I had a long day the day before as well,
So when my mum wasn’t feelin all her best colors again (a continuity from yday itself)
I was some what torn. (later to b put tgthr,sealed with tears)

Back in form 3(or any lower form la)
I used to 'compete' with eshie about having a full attendance to school,
Days tht I couldn’t make it to school was the worst days of my life.
I used to grumble, rumble n go nutty upset.

So tht was me in high school,
It continued to my higher forms,
Obviously la, especially wenever I was absent,tht was the most awesome time to go to school.

Tht was high school.

But not to say,
I grewup completely either, (lol)

So wen today I had to let go hospital.
I felt tht shake thru my bones.
More specific,
My heart.
A funny turn it made.
It shivered its veins.
My arteries though, cooled low. Letting the heat evaporate,
I had put my trust in Allah.

I felt the same way a few  weeks ago wen I had to for go and convince myself tht all tht happens is the best. Especially at the 'hot' age of early 20s.


"Things not going according to our plans is a test of our faith in Allah. A reminder that HE is in control, not us."

Awesome right?
Walaupun now sudah pun a new day,
Lets doa it as a barakah day.
A day of full of classes,presentations n insyaAllah ending with an Islamic camp :))
Ive always wanted to go.
I really do look forward to it :))

Eventhough I do not look forward to skipping class tmr.
But I see tht we have come to yet another, Bismillahi Tawakall tua'lAllah situation
(not tht everything else doesnt need it, but this one needs a special one)

Doa I get the vibrations again today and kindly stay on the deen and faith tht Allah noes best.

What is a rainbow without any rain?


Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Telekungku putih

salams state holiday.

There came a time, a point in my life when I used to envy, (well I used to look up la) to those who were able to pray with the cloth around their head, the covers that became their clothes, the socks tht snuggled their toes. It was cool, awesome and great to a certain extent.

It was like, you were so confident of urself tht u can face Allah in wtv u wore. Which mmg should be the condition pun.

But after some days had passed, n circumstances tht did not allow to to b thatttt confident to go prayer in my 3 piece clothing, I resorted to my Prophet's favourite color. White.
(hence the title of my post)

Have my opinion changed about those who wear their daily outfit to prayer?
Have I stopped wanting to wear my daily clothes for prayer?

The time is not yet,
I still have not have had the means to carry it out,
Tudung 60' is not the cheapest in the market,
I am kinda picky when it comes to designs (not saying I the ones I bought are so desireably lawa-ok, except the black n white one, tht is my fav...n the pink one,cos I love pink)
but yeah, jika nak ber-60',then it shudn be the style we're talking about, but the coverage tht we r supposedly concerned with.
hmmm. but i m, well, considerably fashionable (coughs hard-i think i have lost all sense of fashion as soon as i started clinicals-)

other than that,
Its true what eka said, mmg akan lakulah kalau fashion designer dapat bwt pattern tudung labuh yg lawa akan laris.
If they mampu beli la,
Well, as my mom says, sikit-sikit lama-lama jadi bukit, :))
(-she obviously saying it from a moms point of view of a daughter hu mmg builds bukits of things in her room XDD)

Planning to save up for tudung  60's by goin kaen shoppin with eka wen she returns.

Ohmy, byk nye plans with eka,(the other plan was to go LEgoland w her,ontop of the OBVIOUS clerking tgthr nnt-its our annual thing-)
Walhal she doesn’t noe a single thing, and I don even noe if I have the time. LOL.

I do ngidam to look at Prof Muhaya's boutique, but from what I c, I m still not of thaaaat status and class to be able to afford those clothings.

One day insyaAllah.

As I had discussed earlier with Eka,
Jubah itu adat,
Tutup aurat itu mestie!
(we obviously talked about it in lengths, wen we tryin to clear the air tht, us wanting to wear the abaya is an arab thingy, and not wearing it doesnt mean tht we r ashamed by it, cume, Islam is moderation, we r not supposed to make ppl around us feel uncomfortable with our appearance, hence, maybe th abaya isnt best worn in our environment atm)

And tutup aurat isnt tht yards of cloth wrapping ur head to toe only.

According to Ustazah Nik Salida,
There are four components to the aurat.

One. The physique,
-the head to toe except face n hands (but to some feet are allowed)

Two. The akhlaq/behavior/conduct,
-the attitude u carry when u are in public

Three. The sight,
-how ur eyes wander and look into the world, lusting over or praising the Lord of the  Arasy?

Four. The environment.
-I once read, find out whether u affect the environment or the environment affects u? if it’s the latter, get away.

Interesting don u think?
Well I think it is.


And tht is the end of telekungku putih, hijabku menunggu,
wasalam n wallahualam ;)

Monday, December 9, 2013

coloring my monday blues

salams monday.
the first day of the week!

it has had a good start.

but Im still wengweng
wen i met my bestie in the wards,
it was an instant pick me up.
i noe.
dont attach to wordly matters.
but i cant help felt some sort of relief,
some jolt of excitement,
some buzz of happiness.
lik tht instant :))


“We think about our problems all the time, but we don’t think about all the problems Allah saved us from.”

Nasihat Imam Ghazali rahimahullah.

Pintu-pintu syaitan masuk ke dlm hati:

1. Pintu marah dan syahwat.
2. Hasad dengki dan tamakkan keduniaan.
3. Kekenyangan makanan.
4. Kegemaran menghias diri dan rumahtangga.
5. Keinginan mengampu.
6. Gopoh dan tidak menyelidiki terlebih dahulu.
7. Harta dan wang ringgit.
8. Lokek dan takutkan kemiskinan.
9. Keterlaluan fanatik dan taksub kepada mazhab serta berdendam dan menghina.
10. Perbuatan terlalu memikirkan tentang zat dan sifat2 Allah dan perkara2 tanpa ilmu pengetahuan dan di luar akal fikiran.
11. Sangkaan buruk sesama kaum muslimin

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Leprosy of the physique, and of the heart.

ppl look at the world, and they get preoccupied,
so they long for the beach,
washed up on the sands,
as they crash hard.


hati tenang, adalah hati yang menang.

how long will i love you?
as long as i can.
how long do i need you?
as long as seasons need to.


hatin yang tenang hanyalah dengan mengingati Allah. ;')

I thought that the packed up reading, back to back youtubes over the holidays would withhold the torturous roads of fourth yr.
but then when did knowledge ever get enuf?
when did mujahadah meant a sprint at a sports carnival?
and when did the soul ever be free of waswas and syaitan?

just like how our body gets hungry,
or how we sometimes seek recognition in our results,
or buy a new set of clothes for new year.

tht is how we need to replenish ourselves.


i write this entry in ending the year with the best posting ever.
i shant use words of negativity as how i used in the beginning,
as an ukthi asked me back,"what r u afraid of?"

the ultimate and sole answer should one and only be Allah.
as an experienced physician once adviced me to pass my medical exams, bcos in reality, medicines, drugs, management would all change.
true what he said,
to pick up the principles and the fondful memories.
but little (or much) did he leave out,
the part that,
what is this 5 years?
in which some of my extended friends are married,
some may have gotten children,
some have ventured into the world of carriers stress,
where does Allah lie?
where will my grave stand?
where does my heart stay in the eyes of Allah?
where do i stand in front of Allah?

betul lah.
betul sangat.


you noe how ppl taboo the lepors?
and how ppl with leprosy are isolated?

what about those with the heart so necrosed?
what about those with hearts dying?
what about those hu have hearts tht feel lik falling off?

i wish i just could stay away.
run away
and recluse myself.


i now noe y the wise prophets used to all go away to the mountains to live one with nature.
to cleanse themselves.
just like the mist in the morning dews.
just like the sunshine rise at the horizons of lush green mountains,
just like that wake up call Allah rings.


wallahu alam.