♥ Drama Queen ♥

Monday, December 29, 2014

top 8 stuff i wana uphold in 2015!

looking back in 2014,
(more lik rereading and rescheming thru my fb posts)

I have come a long way from the jakon-fying and always-posting fb-er back in uia/college days..
hahah.(and this not even comparing to first yr and second yr posts, tht were endless...hahaha)

to some,
it might be a sort of harrassment that people post up stuff on facebook,
well for me,
it's more of a way to journalize stuff.
especially wen i have failed to record them on my blog for the longest time,
and what more in my own diary?

so here's a list of things i wana do this 2015!

1. instagram!
cos im expecting to see changes this yr.
i plan to see colors change from the darkest of greys, to the bluest of white skies and ancient villages of europe this coming 25th year of my life.

2. facebook!
a quote a week!
cos if i cant be a proper writer (due to my shortcomings, i can surely write short posts of randomness!) hehe

okayh...actually, this one is a lil....well, i don have a polaroid! hahaha!
my dreams of owning instax pun kene hold! huaaa!!
nonethelss, i can prnt pics using the polaroid frame! (nama pun creativity!)

4. top 5 daily stuff daily! hehe!
oh this one, u guys may not see it la!
okayh gotta get a jar for this! hehe!
hehe! but i wana top five my everyday! (and kalau ade polaroid tu cantek! but nevermind! there;s alwaysss instagram ---pounts to number one)
this is also a good way for staying positive, cos if its one thing all medical students can predict is, rough days.

5. Tabong Graduation!
oh this one alhamdulillah dah start! kene istiqomah je!
because only Allah noes where i'll be heading post graduation! hhehe! so better start preparing!

6. Get new kicks!
yes, =.=" i have my own "kedai kasot" at home,
but what i mean here, is a pair of kicks to kick those unhealthy hbits away!
(omg, is this some sort of resolution im typin? aigoo.. i feel tad a little old for these kinds of things..hahah..and im ONLY 24!! hahaha)

7. Love more.
it is my final year,
we all will be parting ways, and part of accepting this is to disperse my love to evryone.
huhuh. u cannot miss a heart that is urs and u share, cos they are part of us wherever they go. :*

8. (Lastly) Istiqomah.
there's a reason why istoqomah is put last,
cos it's the last resort to living.
i remember an ustazah once told me, (more like tegur-ed me...pffftsz) "wats the point of sleeping now, cos wen u die, ull eternally always sleep"
at 14, i was like, err...awesome? (grrr...)
so coming back to eleven yrs later,
"life's has not given up on us, so y do we give up on it(life)?

so y 8?
cos i like randomness. and randomm has 8 letters..err no it doesnt. =.="
and 7 seemed so cliche..
u noe..
7 wonders of the world..
7 colors of the rainbow..

and technically, there are only 7.
unless an instax falls from the sky, or i dapat rejeki instax,
by which, any money i get from now on goes to Tabong Graduation,
so goodbye instax (and iphone..hahaha)

Saturday, December 20, 2014

YEP: Year End Post.

its somewhere half way of december.
somewhere halfway ortho posting.

and life, as usual has been busy.
i walk through klcc with textbooks in my arms, nots prepared to rewrite,
and herds of people brush me,
some in their shorts of summer,
some in their colorful holiday regalia,
and some in their lines of uniforms with their school clan.

and there i was,
holding on to my mom, int eh mdist of people,
searching for a spot to kick back and start our study date.

but to our 'disappointment'
the rush of sales and the air of christmas shopping swept us off away,
what more with the airenous amount of people that fled to cafes filled to brim,
there wasnt a quiet corner in the ever busy shopping mall.
it was the annual mother-daughter get together of shopping.

annual as i make it sound,
we only went home with a bag full of things,
and we ended up in my mum's uni studying.
as i went running around the girls' hostel, discovering corners unturned, hills untoched, and trees lived with cats.
it was a fruitful run, even if i was wet with drops of rain at the end of it.

and weekedays have been fulfing,
academically, spiritually and emotionally.

December so far has served me a colouful platter,
nothing like the pale white snows in Iceland or the northern hemisphere.

Back to December

We sat across each other, the table seemed a distance that we felt, not like the sadness that we felt.
It was clear, we loved, but not in this reallity, not in this circumstance and never the correct time.

It was sadness in his voice I heard.
Sadness I spoke through this end of the line.

A savour in his way, he still just wasnt the right one.
In this paradigm, it was sad.

I couldnt trust myself into his eyes, neither his into mine.
Though we never drifted. Always together through the entity of time, in a distance so near, but never binding us together.

Only time,
and Allah can tell.

but for now, we shall cover ourselves with sadness that has developed.


Friday, December 5, 2014

i have many,but why's one not enough?

its my final year, tht in a while..
something i have said again and again,
and have finally realised (well somewhat la, sometimes i still jump up and down in the corridors of clinics) haha.

but the lengang-ness of ortho,
and the over flowing of love
(even if its with a super fit budget this month)
i havent loved my medical years just as yet,
gear three as Dr A the Spine Specialist suggests, is still not well in well instill,
its there,
and i have to say a million thanks to all those around me.

and listening to how those around me love me so much so,
(silencing me with their silence when i get too yappy, or monitoring my expenses when i go out, or asking me to park that extra inch, walhal pemalas to walk far but thinking about me)

im doin something different.
im on le bfftjf's lappie.
as she is well enveloped in a comfy snuggly blankie,
cos im supposed to do my translating,(ill get back to KEJAP LA! hahaha! i sound lik a five year di suruh mandi! hahaha)


u noe how all these young kids nowadays all just loveee popularity.
love the number of 'likes'
love tinder, snapchat and fakenames on accounts that they cant handle their consequences?

i was that! hahaha
(that, OMG! I GOT NINE likes je?!?!?! -with eyes all teary- ----okayh,maybe tak pernah la pulak nanges...but yeahh..u get the ideaaa)
we all passed that phase,
the "i want my crush to notice me with my new tights, matching coloured nails and pink heels"
and "hey guys, i have a new phone with that glittery cover from the shop that sells things at ridiculous prices,"
we're all still teens anyways.
however old we are, whatever our figure tells us to be.

but down the line, of my fifth year,
im finally content.
it wasnt easy to get here,
(and im very sure i have still a lot more to learn.)
i am glad im only surrounded with a few close friends, family, and books.
i now finally miss studying,
i kinda kicked out the bad habit of "im bored, i wan a social life,"

tak kesah la if people think im boring
cos from what i gather, no one's boring,
not even that kid that always gets her nose in her tab studying,
or that guy that is super quiet wakes up at two to study.

we all have our stories.
and if my life was a story,
it may look lik that antisocial table of people,
but no,
behind that closed doors of my car,
behind the gates of mimi's home,
and looking at us from behind our seats,
our live sare far more colorful,
and even if my blog dry to bone with sad soppy stories,
i guess its a loss that 'nebulizers' and the gaseous exhange of 'water' doesnt ever get potrayed on the internet anymore. sad, but sacrifices need to always be made.
and this was mine.

me giving up my writing.

where can we get a female fotographer yang pandai (and sabar/mengarah posing) to get a photoshoot of my medlife?
cos i cant believe my bestie suggested for the fotoshoot.
i better go gym more and more.


Thursday, November 20, 2014

Mirror mirror on the wall.


it was the end of end of posting clinicals.
the first of lasts.

as i rmmbered the elatement and excitement i had on my first day of paeds.
then somehow it brought me back to day one orientation,

organizer: so introduce urselves and share with us wat speciality u wud lik to adopt.
me: hi evryone! id lik to be a paediatrician, cos honestly, wen i was younger, i was afraid of death, and i tot...hey, kids dying wasn so scary.

back in 2010.
its now 2014.

and i was so afraid today wud end badly.
but i kept it inside.
i dint wanto share my fears.
well, i tried la. ( i noe my besties and mom knew i wasnt really okayhhh hahaha)

but tahajjud really helped.
wen today came,
i woke up calmly, no palpitation no sweats,
only a random dream that my classmates had this photoshoot right in the middle of the htar roads.


"show them ur awesomeness" a bfftjf said.
a laughin hug my mom gave me.

and off i went.
being my cute-sy self
(yes. cute-sy, i tried to un-cute-sy, well it dint work, my classmates said it was weird) XDD

when i finished exams with my specialist saying,"just another step to distinction," i was elated.
tht feeling back in third yr?
it revived.
i flickered for days to end now,
it seemed to have vanished,
darken lives,

lik wen my classmate asked yday about my hashtag #paediatriciantobe
i said"wallahualam,mcm xje"

never fret or fear the power of Allah.
He hears u alright.
more than ur mom, more than ur bestest best friend.
Allah understands u, more than ur mom, more than u ur ownself.
so thank you Allah.

as i was listening about tawakal on youtube yday, i had my doubts,
not doubts that Allah would help me,
but whether i deserve help.
dont we all get tht feeling sometimes?
tht hopelessness?
that knackered beaten down feeling?
cos i do.
and fifth year?
was a beating after another,
it was lik left right centre.
it was inside out more than physical,
cos darn, i look good.
hahaa (READ: poyo sebentar) hahaha

"Rezeki itu hak milik Allah,
bab rezeki ni sgt sgt sgt luas, Allah tu sgt lah Pemurah kan?
kita tahu ke proportion of rezeki that Allah planned for us?"

she continued
"wen someone is given more than they have put in, we just just 'assume' a person shud get more IF AND ONLY IF DONE MORE, but isnt our assumption very limited? cos isnt our knowledge very limited? cos isnt only Allah's knowledg and power is very vast."

i terdiam
i din reply to her.
not for being offended.
but it was lik.

its true.
all our prblems in this world revolve around assumptions.
we assume we are good enough,
we assume we are degraded low,
we assume we are lucky enough,

walhal infact,
how good is truely good? lik the para anbiya hu never tot themselves to be anymore better?
how bad is bad? lik are we that dumb? even after studyin for years of the same stuff?
how sure are we lucky or was it that one buck sedwah we agev to tht street beggar? or tht smile we sent to the lonely homeless?

wat DO we noe?
not much really?
unless we really have figured out this whole world equation.
which we obviously havent.
the last i heard, there are an array of multiple super computers trying to deveipher about the world's movement and physics,that wud be completely understood in 2040 taksilap.

walhal, Allah ahs already mentioned tht He noes even the falling leaf.
funny right?

i say this first to myself.
(yes, cos i lik rereading my blog liddat...--n i miss my writingholic self)
that, at the end of the day, im very sure, (and i read it in a hadith somewhere) never will we finish the day of judgement till Allah asks us,"where have we spent our time and energy on?"
and we cant be answering,"oh, i tried medicine, but it was so hard i gave up" now can we?
cos surely, Allah looks at our effort.

fall seven times, get up eight times.

so alhamdulillah for today.
i actly had gotten the same case i did last year.

the same case.
only to prove that i can do it.
that i was a final year, n i can finally do it. ;')
thank u Allah and evryone tht doakan me.

my mom was there today with me,
and wen i came back to her cheerful,
she remembered,"pakcikli said jangan panic,"


i laughed.

it was lik he knew exctly wat to say,
even if it was kinda late, since i finished my exms.

my mom continued, "he even asked u to baca doa"

blew me away,

u see,
i don really come from a tiptop hijabi alim family,
so to have real sweet reminders lik tht, its heart warming. hehe.
even if my mom kinda sampaikan the wish AFTER MY EXAMS. hahaha.

tht was something.

so later, wen i to the GP to check on my mom, my GP asked me,"so wht yr are u now?"
i actly looked up at her, and answered,"fifth?"
"final dah" she answered.

i then just blinked.
lik speechless.

it was lik a dawning phenomenon (no, not tht diabetes phenomenon we go thru in the morning by our insulins and hormones...hahaha) that this is it.
i have been seeing her since my first yr of medicine, and now here i m, in the final leg.

i mean,
this is not the first time someone has asked me,
or made me realise.
but today,
wen i stood in the mirror after zuhr,
i saw this reflection of a doctor to be.
after all tht hits i had to go thru in this posting.
there was nothing to be happy (or even proud) of to be a final year.
it was back to back bashing,
back to back not noe-ing stuff,
catching up with stuff.
back to back questioning and somewhat belittling (to be belittled)
i could tolerate it back in third yr, cos i was a freshie,
and learning back in fourth yr,
but i had it hard in fifth yr, i really felt hurt.

though today,
it melted away.

"Hati yang tenang selalu menang"

lik a close one said to me,
if in third yr ur physically tired,
fourth yr ur physically and mentally tired,
i bet fifth yr wud b physically, mentally and EMOTIONALLY tiring.

spot on alec, i replied.

but wat wud the world be if there werent trials?
and wat's there to be hurt if ur in a learning curve?
as my fifth yr briefing went,"our objective now is to make sure u guys are capable to be trained as housemans,"
tht too cheered me up.

i guess, i was counting my misery, more than anything.

it's true wat my senior said,"busy mana pun fifah,usrah jangan lupa,"

those words,
will stick to me,
and wat more wen my junior sent,
"usrah means keluarga, kumpulan individu2 muslim yang berusaha tolong beriman dgn agama melalui pemahaman and menghayati Islam,"

moral support.
human touch.

i teared.
it was so meaningful.
maybe cos im the only child?
maybe cos im the extrovert tht easily binds with people?

but it was sweet.
fifth year,
wat else have u stored for me?
may you always remind me,
that my roots are Allah, and wen im steadfact on it, it never fades or fails.

may we all meet in jannah after passin all our trials.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

last but never least.

the next time i set foot here.
it's either,
i'm having an exam,
im a Houseman (HO).

tht was wat i said to my mom.
hearing myself say it out loud was more surreal than I thought,
i guess sometimes u memang have to voice it out to noe the reality of it.
and to keep it in, is just drowing the reality away.
hiding all the fears, keeping the worries at bay,
walhal it exists.

fifth year.
not as glamorous as i had always imagined it to be back in the first year, and premed days.
and not as cool as i always awed my seniors to be.
not easy.

but nothing good comes easy.
and the week exams,
evryone's all,
"awh. i need to study,"
evryone's like,
"oh i havent studied"


peer pressure babe.
at twenniefour.
ur still a freaking adolescent babe.


okayh. toodles.
my drooping heavier than tht detective dog.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

am i?

she said, i was the best bestie she could have.

i cried.
i don noe whe to say it out oready.
but i felt so terharu.

im now tearing as i do my moms work (omg, i do blog best wen im expected to do other stuff..hahaa)

thank u awak.
i hope i can deliver ur bday as best as u did for my 24th,
im sorry i din post up anything about my bday,
but life has been the upmost busy.
back to back with something.

but i swear,
my 24th was the best so far.
thank u to all.

im under a lot of stress.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

budak fifth year balek campus!

heyya salams from my first entry from my fav month of the yr!

its october!
i love it cos both its my birthday!!!
andddd ima final year!!!
i even have my own hashtaggg!!
which i noe someone(s) has used too!!

gotta go!

im asthmatic atm!
so byebye!
kne pass up my casewriteup!!

doakan my finallyfinalyr!!

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

day two.

in the midst of my exams.

i hereby tap these letter in,
not because i have all the time in the world.
(read: i have internal medicine tmr)

but cos,
u noe,
i had some last minute research assistant job.

i was just about to love tht research assistant job again (read: yeah, i kinda got bored of it at a point of my life) but then...it just hadd to bug me in my midst of finals.

but reflecting back (eceh, baru je abes keje ponnn)

it could have been worse.

a: aku rasa exam ni ok je so far, macam cepat je masa berlalu, best jugak. xstress mana la.
b: kau ni. Alhamdulillah la. Sesungguhnya, Masa itu hak Allah, Perasaan tu pun hak Allah, Allah yang bagi kau rasa tenang aman tu, syukur weyh.
a: hmmmph.
b: kalau Allah nk tarek, boleyh je,...
a: I guess this is where the Muqallibun and also the Most Merciful shows His powers. Only He holds our hearts to give it calmness and avert from fears.

Konklusi: Hati Yang Tenang Menang.

So next tym, Jangan React, Respond.
(note to self, don b a drama queen n act it out, be responsive, and respond well!)

things to learn:
1. When reacting, say,"how do i respond!"
2. When depressed, say,"Oh Allah,how do i make this better?"
3. When happy, say,"Oh Allah, You are Utmost Gracful and Merciful"

and as for today,
and this week,
my fave ayat,
has gotta be,
the doa that JOnah made in the stomach of the whale.

it just shows tht we always get ourselves into trouble,
but to no worry,
we aint need no superman, no batman,
just THe creator of All man and beings,
Allah SWT.


thank u Allah.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

to complete.

its like everyday wajib bloggin nampaknye.

(told u start i blog best -erk,best ke?- when im stressed)

so i schemed thru my blog.
lik just a scroll.
n oh my.

my 20 things about 4th yr?
tu bukan 20 things!

i must have accidentally posted it up whilst i was super mamai sleepy,

so sorry abt tht!
will continues when...err....


Monday, September 15, 2014

without exams

salams study week.
i start my study week with a bunch of carrots (i finally got from cold storage) and a good healthy breakfast of eggs on toast (screw the 2-3 eggs a week regime, i need it for my brains. and i havent eaten any eggs yet this week)
and besides the orange juice to top it off,
i start it with a doa i kirim to my lovely hardworking seniors that go to war today.
that are fighting their hard earn's degree in medicine to book tickets to gates of paradise by serving the ummah as doctor's.

i m so proud of each one of them,
no matter wat their past was.
may Allah ease their fight.
cos this time next yr,
i too wud b sitting for the same examination,
and my finals next week is nothing short of something as huge as that (just that,i get to move on to fifth yr nonetheless of my results, but STILL!)

without finals,
where wud our aim be?
ofcourse if u were a GOd concious person, u'd say, we have an even bigger goal,
aka jannah,
but seriously,
what are the tools to unlock tht gate to jannah?
despite the,
looking at ur mom's face and visitting baitul atiq (ohyeah, doa for a mabrur hajj to dr j and all those hum i noe hus on hajj this yr)
to reap the akhirah,
u have to sow the dunya,
and dunya is basically ur khalifatullah ardi (vicegerancy on earth) work.
ur muamalat (daily interactions) and of course ur ibadah (prayers)

and as a 23 year old,
what else am i best, and more likely accustomed to do at this age rather than study?
(hey! do i hear someone saying kahwen! hahaha! i will kahwen don wory, insyaAllah when Allah sets it to b)
so studying.
there are and were many fields tht i could be exposed to,
that i could have dived in, legs first, heads first or wtv..
but my heart chose medicine,
i forgot.
but then,
when i am in the process of cleaning my room, i found these application forms, essays, all about how hard i was striving for medicine, and im lik,
i really did tht?
i really did want this.

flippin the coin,
imagine if u woke up on judgement day,
and ur on ur way to the blazing hellfire,
and u think,
i did tht (b*tchin abt ur frends,screaming at concerts,making faces to ur parents),
cos i din rmmber tht i wanted hellfire.


im just saying.
thts all.

cos if medicine (Something really good) pun i can still forget y n how much i really want it, and how much i worked to get in,
wat about somethin i didnt want, but (unfortunately) seem to have been damning myself to.

im sitting hear today,
as i wana start my studies,
using the strategy my belioved dr f thot me,
(ppl may not agree to it,but i surely have been doin it all these yrs -in spm la tapi- and alhamdulillah it has helped alot, and when she said, the same tactic can be done in medical school, i was joyfully overwhelmed)
may Allah ease me in understanding these concepts, and remember what i study.

so im sitting, and reflecting,
if there werent any exms,
i wudnt really b sitting here,
never really reflecting on my deeds (both good n bad).
n never really doin anything thatttt beneficial (except running errands while grunting/complainin or just hanging out having my young years days with my bestie or just lepaking at eka's hum is goin back to the UK this friday)
so i thank Allah for this opportunity for exams.

and i believe u guys too right?

if it werent for exams,
wud we realy wakeup at night to tahajjud,
to solat hajat
and to supplicate doa all the time?

we wont.
thats the problem with the Muslims nowadays (especially practicing Muslims in Muslim countries) we take everything so forgranted.

so sorry Allah i drifted away,
or as Ustaz Nouman Ali says, "inching away"


exams are my ticket to remembering the huge pile of sins i created (n im very sure still creating, and i really do not noe how to relief. astaghfirullah, i really do seek mercy from Allah, as sure i noe we all do.)

and with that,
i apologise to all readers tht have read my blog, and blogposts, my words, my typos,
my 'poems'
if i have offended u,
especially to my loved ones tht i always talk about on my blog, and sometimes, i terlepas kata here, (since i am (or was) a better writer than a talker by any circumstance)
i wish i could go back and retake back my blogposts, and delete them (which i mmg intend to ) but i have to focus on exams for now first.
and insyaAllah shall get back to the blogsphere this holidays (insyAllah being the operative word, cos i may/may not have time for that either)


doa that i study well and correctly this study week,
proceeded with an ease of calmness for my finals next week,


Saturday, September 13, 2014

20 things about 4th year.

i have finally finished fourth yr.
technically i have my theory papers.
n my last End of Posting Exams.

for psychiatry n primary care
ohgolly how psych-ed i am!

lets throwback and and reflect back top 20 things about year 4.

1. I loved sungai buloh.
i really did. i had a jolly good tym always being the first to reach, the oncalls my parents seldom allowed me back in htar. actly, my first all thru the night oncall fr obgyn, even if i din really go thru anything major, only a bunch of contractions n more contractions, and ofcourse the labours. (the riony since i oncalled the night bfore labour day)

2. i loved my dates with my bestie. the yr we created the #bfftjf
which later we found out someone else out there was ALSO using the same tag =.=" aishhh!
but alhamdulillah for this yr, we had a ball of a time, looking for cases, presenting together, bst-ing together, thru n thru together :))

3. ent was awesome,
even if it was a full solid one month only, and only shared with ophthal (which i din really enjoy -though thankfully i actly mastered how to use the funduscopy)
but the EOP was amazing, honestly, i don rmmber the last time i had been patted on the back by my teachers,
hence i learnt tht students actly enjoy being complimented and patted on their backs. cos i ttly enjoy it ;)

4. i started dressing up again (??)
well i think so la, somewhere in the middle, i decided to chg fr the better. i dint tell anyone.
and it was long till i told my bestie the real goal of my aim. and what i acly felt.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

i was sixteen again.

u noe how they always said,
"adolescence, the time u always wana b lik ur friends, the time u wana always look up to ur friends, the time ur appearance always mattered,"

well for me,
sixteen was a sweet phase of innocence, whe nothing much mattered,
my bestie was eka, and eshrina.
and everyone else was,
everyone else.

nothing else really mattered.
and i was in a world of my own.
i tried makeup where as my besties dint bother to paint their nails,
i listened to mp3s, while my friends studied studiously in silence,
i sat at starbucks, while my peers busily went off for tuition.

i did things my friends didnt do,
and i dint do what they did either, except attend interact concerts n shop new clothes fr each new event. lol.
but it din bother me,
i din have to fess up to their lifestyles, pffft...hahahah
i din have to compete fr anything, (except marks, which was actly a personal journey for each of us individually- so we basically never killed each other or felt belittled -)

but suddenly,
about 80% of medical school,
i have all these things i had left for a long time now.
and appearances.


i suddenly fall silent in these conversations,
sometimes muted,
 only conversing with my bestie, sometimes, with besties tht are away from me.

i guess the time for 'that' part of 'peer pressure' i missed in high school to reoccur.

but remarkable enough,
i discover,
it wasnt for the lack of knowledge.
nor was it lack of pure interest.

but it was a mixture of disinterest of materialism,
and engaging in social acts which i dint really fit in,
cos i dint have to try.

what need is it to always fit in? when sometimes,
the best way to fit in is to fit out.


if only u cud read my smirk,
its not a condescending smile,
more of a smile tht reminds me of my mismatched, latecoming prefect days.
those rowdy days of experimenting.
of camera angles, of colored mascara, and polished nails.

i even painted my nails back in uia actly come to think of it.
walhal my roomie at tht time was really religious and all.
she must have had a headache at tht time facing me.

it was kinda sweet.

as i ran away frm my GP during bfast one fine day in primary care,
i was instantaneously brought back to form 4.
some things just don change.

and me being 23, really doesnt change much.
alhamdulillah in certain ways,

but nonetheless,

today i stand,
i feel souls around me,
some clicking on to me,
likewise, me to them,
like those airtight ziplocks tht meet and seal each other.
and there is this bond,
holding us these young souls of ours,
bonds, born thousands of years before,

and some just drifting off just as when we drift off the end of the day.
lik those magnets meeting close and stick,
but separate them, and away they go off with their own whiteboards to stick on to.

and as we lay eyes on each other,
there is love flowing,
and my heart melts.
most of the time so unexplainable,
tht makes my arms cross each other as i try to decipher these moments,
some for me to savour,
some for me to reflect.

it is not mine to turn, this heart.
but only the Almighty Allah.
the Turner of hearts,
of this Qalbu.

bcos today may not be my day,
but tomoro maybe mine,
and to be at the bottom isnt a pleasent place to be,
n i ttly get it.

no monument of stone was made without the small dusty particles of cement glued together by water,
so is our pavements to jannah insyaAllah.
no pavement can be made lacking the substance of iman, glued by isitiqomah and tawakkal.

reaping the hereafter takes alot of work,
sometimes, we dig holes to jahannam,
reversed only by istighfars.

Astaghfirullah hilazim.

thank u Allah for today
and how far we hav all come,
with people hu have been with us from day one.
with family tht always suppoerted us in their way,
and most important of all,
with You Ya Allah the Omnipresent tht never left our sides in times of our success and triumph,
nor our downfall.

erase from our hearts hasad and ego,
tht prevents us build our characters tht soars us to the gates of jannah.

(a piece of my valedictorian speech)
28 days till theory week.

doakan istiqomahku back to the ALmighty Allah.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Every Ramadhan


evry ramadhan i get pulled back.
as if a part of me goes missin thru out the year, and during ramdhan, there is this invisible bait tht pulls out the 'missing me'.

especially with Eka coming back,
idky, i feel lik im coming back to a complete circle.
alhamdulillah :))

maybe Afifah wasnt a really good name to call me. even if it IS my name, it cant stand alone without the Suria-ness.
or maybe im just rambling at the end of a tiring, yet fruitful day.

but anyways,
i really do feel Suria is back,
u noe,
the sunshine of a person,
the confidence,
the thread of happiness i used to carry all around,
the smile,
the husnu zohn thru watever (though occasionally some random -non daily things- tick me off, and i get really upset. but somehow or rather, thts wen -my daily people n environment- pull me back, n i brush the negativity off by slowly forgettin erm,) n continuing my happy-cheerful self.
n most important of all,
my appearance,
i somewhat really noticed how i have declined in the fashion aspect.
lik life dint matter anymore,
but actly,
a big part of me aches n longs tht person to b back.
n i took the liberty tht this ramadhan will b the turning point. -especially wen i broke the record i wanted-
after about a month off the social media.
aka no instagram posting,
nor instagram scrolling,
im back.
n honestly, i really don have the urge to post stuff asap as i used to last time.
n i don really lik telling people things anymore. bak kata mimi,"sapa suruh post kat instagram? tak class uoll"
no one can say such things besides her. well obviously im not saying,"okayh other ppl don say tht!" but wen she says it, it sure is damn funny. hehe
-okayh.. maybe my first post after months was me post-shopping n meeting the ever famous vlogger (hum i used to aspire to become)...but i was supporting the cause they ran for. honestly, i hope they got a good couple of thousands! cos i ttly spent it all over there.-

or maybe because its because it's psychiatry,
n i kinda sumwhat love psychiatry.

no matter what,
its definitely, rezeki,
and the bait was not just ramadhan,
but the Lord of Ramadhan,
that grants even more supreme of a mercy during this holy month.
but His Supremacy never changes.
i am the one tht changes.
thts wen all hell rises open. maybe not the bamm sort of an open,
but slowly but surely.

one thing definitely medicine supposedly teaches u is tht,
life is a marathon,sometimes u slow down,
sometimes along the way it rains,
n sometimes the scene isnt all birds and greenery.
but surely,
the breeze of the wind carries on,
as our pulses keep racing,
hearts keep thumping,
and veins return blood to the heart.

so no matter what,
just keep going.


and the only way i see this goin is up.
i maybe off the blogsphere more now, since access to the laptop is rather cumbersome to me.
(walhal dah dpt lappie baru. haishhh)
so ive gotten a shorter blogsphere tht is thumb-friendly via my fon.
u guys must b thinking,
oh! microblogging? ahh.. twitter.

i say,

twitter is too rash fr me.
and sometimes, we tend to post things without hesitating much of a thought, tht it might harm us.
as a tazkirah i once heard this ramadhan, "we don just fast our tongues, in this era, we have to fast our fingers too,"
for honestly i fear,
at the great day of judgement, our fingers will say things more harsh then we cud have ever thought out tongues cud ever utter,
just like i had always believed, the fingers are truly, the windows to our hearts.
talk to me, i may not utter, but watsapp me, and gushes of letters are typed.

maybe after all, it is good tht if we lash things outs, it is best with our voices, cos then our ears too bear witness to audacity we can actually commit,
unlike the fingers,
the eyes can choose to keep it close, and skip the atrocious monstrosity we can actly spit out.

im feeling my writer of a person coming back,
and i totally found this tumblrblog tht has thought me how to revive stories tht have died,
now its time fr me to choose which story i wud lik to recall.
even if my theory papers are 65 days away.
though i surely noe me,
the more pressured i m,
the more i loveee writing.

i can publish my own 'kelabu'.
and maybe i can write fully in a single language.
i unfortunately chose to become lazy and jumble my blessed head without jargons and street language tht gave me no added advantage, only to hinder my success (ecehh..being positive i tell u!)

for now,
lets chase the lailatul qadr nights.


Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Ramadhan Kareem, Allahu Akram.

salams 17th Ramadhan.
ramadhan this yr has really flew as fast as the wind.
i din feel anything at all.
for all i noe, its already passed the halfway.

my dad too agrees.
where as my mom is reaching her panicky levels of house cleaning.

next yr onwards,
ill try to get the house ready fr ramadhan n not raya.
even though raya is the time of celebration,
true celebration is actly ramadhan.
ramadhan brings everyone closer.
closer to families,
closer to friends,
and most important of all,
closer to Allah swt, especially wen we celebrate nights with prayers and quran recitation,

hopefully ramadhan is a phase i clear my soul out,
and raya is a start of something new.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Setia Kasih.

Salam Friday 13th!
i noe, we don believe in friday the 13th in islam,
but its a jargon i used to live upto back in high school.
those jahil times,
not to say i feared black cats then(or now), or feared walking down ladders, or wore garlic garlands around town on this day.


just another random jargon as i teman my mom in starbucks as she finishes up her work.
thankfully i have my own lappie n she her own.

i borrow my title from usrah nurani's.
the lover mentioned here is ramadhan, n it is not the first time i hear such a thing.
such a gelaran they give towards the holy moth of ramadhan.

at first,
fasting was rather difficult to me, ever more when the lunchgang i belong to love to go nice places to eat-hence the name la kan =.="-, which happen to always b the day i puasa. =.="

and then it got more difficult this week as i had reduced water intake during the nights,
and felt super dehydrated during the day.
little did i noe,
i really was unwell to being with.

i have been having a very busy june, follwoing an even more eventful may.
my days have been fulfilled, pack n nonstop.
just the way i like it. :))
apa lagi when it was always with ones i love,
whether its just plain classes, standing in the emergency department,
palpating bellies of preggy women,
auscultating children's chests,
or just plain meetin my friends,
or waking up early to go my weekend hangout.

i din noe it consumed me.

no sign at all,
i was really having fun.

and wen on monday i cudn wake up to go to class (walhal i was already in hospital) i tot it was just another bout of me being malas.
and i had to beat it in the knickers!
n i normally won at the end of it.
walaupun it really tired me out.

so yday wen i defied myself n tried to speed to hospital (to go for bedsideteaching)
my body gave in.
my feet just cudnt press the paddle nemore,
from the 10km/h it went down to 80....70...60...n finally, i was practically crawling on nkve.
i had to seek refuge,
for my eyes tht cudnt open.
but reflecting back now to yday.
it was actly my body shutting down.
wallahualam how i survived.
lik seriously.
my mom was worried i noe.
my friends too.

my doctor practically laughed at me.
i don blame anyone.

but u cant blame me neither,
i donot noe wht life wud be if it wasnt busy?
i donnoe whe else to go if not to my hospital or to uni or to my fav lepak place.
its not lik i can lepak at home.
tht istilah doesnt seem very familiar.

so today wen i was also given an mc.
fr the obvious reasons (since i really cudnt breath at times too)
i dint noe wht to do.
and off i went to a CME (common lecture) tht alot of my peers skipped.
and latter tht evening i actly wento a bedsideteaching i din need to go to.

but life wasnt wat others did or did not do.
if i skipped it bcos all my frends did, (my friends dint, my lunchgang agak baek ahh hahha)
or went to bedsideteaching bcos my friends did,
then mana niat aku?

so aku tawakkal je la.
have to keep reminding thyself tht everystep towards knowledge is a step into jannah (insyaAllah with Allah's will)

i think yang paling aku takotkan is...
this story i once heard,
imagine if u lived all ur life saving money fr this trp u always wanted,
and finally when u reach the gates to pay fr ur fare, and handover the money u had kept of ur hard earned work,
suddenly the officials restrict u from boarding and say,"ur money is fake, and ur not allowed to board this trip,"
doom i tell u.
ur hard earned money.
ur effort.
sweat n tears.

so same goes to all the deeds we all carry out daily.
as the hadith went,
it boils down to ur niat.

lets doa we all purify our niats for a better world n hereafter.

but tomorrow is a defo stay in for me, and i don plan on waking up till late.
or if possible ever.

tetibe seram sjuk,
cos as muharikah says,
"kalau tak penat sekrang, then when?"

maybe i went alil too far with tht phrase.

terlalu taksub.
maybe a lil nap isnt wrong.

so today when my friends all puasa.
i was so envious.
lik seriously.
(Walaupun dengan selmbanya i drank infront of them)
but i just cudnt.
flashbacking to my doctor's face yday,
doc: dyu wan ur meds now?
me: im fasting
doc: *muka kerut nak gelak*


so for now.
i have gotta pause fmr the fasting.
and continue the next tym.

bak kata mimi,"u better b fasting this ramadhan,"

don go gettin the rong message,
i did fast as much as i cud last yr.
but yrs bfore tht, wasnt as easy as i cud rmmber.

subang parade dah tutup.
n my mom is still busy with her work.

as the countdown to our beloved ramadhan dawns nearer day by day.
i honestly, m quite afraid.
wat if im not all tht ready.
can i reach at par, and even better than last yr?

as last yr's beauty and scent was so beautiful.
i feel as if last yr was the first tym i ever fasted in my whole life.

lik ever.

even those days i used to puasa back in the uk, when no one did puasa cudnt beat lat yr.

maybe my illness now is another step towards my many ways Allah is preparing me for detachment,
after all,
hereafter is a series of deatchment frm worldly matters,
wic i feel Allah is slowly-slowly introducing to me.
thank u Allah once again.

this time last yr,
i was so hung up.
and wen i finally released the world free to itself,
i feel as if my worlds all collapsed regained its composure n erected itself.
slowly ut surely.
and it had been building ever since.

so now,
its time back fr the world to collapse upon itself,
to release me.

thank u Allah.
thank u separation.

i need tht.


Sunday, June 8, 2014

Harder than Marriage.

i was uber exhausted thru out the day.
i actly ran with my eyes closed today.
if only i could drive with my eyes closed.

and i flared up after my dreams of playing board games in citta mall was nullified wen ther was something goin on there. which i was then redirected to one utama. on a sunday afternoon.
terribly disasterous.

n now,
as i have reached home,
i have lost tht sense of wanting to sleep.
so i scrolled my fb.

and i found this amazing article.
which celebrates bff day today.
n im lik
if there was such a day,
i think i wud b one of the earliest to noe.
considering i love all this, "day" "day" thingy.
so i googled it up.
no such thing.
only friendship day. yeah. caya la. UN, yes, the United Nationas actly recognises the first sunday of august as international friendship day.
so yeah guys. wan to have a party? buatla then. senang get all ur friends tgthr.
haha. lol. (lik serious kelakar)

so back to the article by the NST,
it relates stories of people, girls in particular hu have been besties since forever,
and then,
just not anymore.

this suriya writer,
as much as having the same name as me, isnt really tht optimistic is she?
she emphasizes tht across the world there are discussions tht girls just CANT b BFF.


one sentence i ttly agree though,
"they havent spoken in a week, n thats lik a century in girl world,"


been there, done tht,
but y doesn she emphasize tht after tht centuries of silence, people can resolve things,
and u get to c the end of the rainbow tht people think is only where leprechauns live.
well, leprechauns don live there,
only happiness of frindship,
and keutuhan ukhwah,
(okay,so maybe i see it from an islamic point of view, but y not? especially wen the religion i follow promises me eternal jannah -paradise- if i were to love another fellow muslim for the sake of Allah, as silaturrahim?)

wat was it tht stood inbetween all these girls tht just fought (passively) n never got back tgthr?
(suddenly rmmberin my skola rendah frends tht i hated -they, me--but they werent even my friends. only mates tht was in the same class, too young to noe ukhwal fillah pon. hahah) 

the writer than end with,
"friendships are fragile, take alot of work, compromise n perhaps more than marriage"

i wonder y?
is it because in marriage there is this certificate that is bounded with the law and vows tht u have engraved in stone?

i must say,
i am not totally against wht she says,
haha. i have seen my mother, best friends with a lady, totally opposite to her, of wat? 50 yrs,
and still they r friends.
n now,
their children (aka me n my aunty's children)r all chummy w each other
so bff do exist.
but they may not b as close as they were last tym. not tht i noe how close they were.
i highly doubt they were ever as close as we r now w all our best friends.
with fingertip communications with each other, skype sleepovers, joint instagram accounts, and all other things u can imagine scoail media and all custom made things we are permitted to have (matching baju, matching fons, bff covers etc etc-the list just goes on)
but they were close at tht tym of point nevetheless.

but nonetheless, i have seen things one party has to always sacrifice for the other,
tht sometimes,
she just walks away.

i guess,
the writer was right,
alot lot (lotttt) of compromise.
but for silaturrahim my mom wud always say.
it must b worth it.

one day im gona grow old.
i do not noe wht my outcome wud ever b,
sometimes it looks as grim as the dark grey skies,
and others, shiny lik the cloudless day during school holidays.

but wht i do noe is,
if anything done out of lillahitaala,
it wont last.

and most important of all,
if u cant preserve ur connections with the almighty,
don even think of having any relationships with anyone,
especially if ur in a girl-on-girl relationship.
bcos messy can get messier,
and fragile can simply break.

n ohyeah,
sometimes,if things attached at the hips need a lil break.
bcos even the cast is reviewed, and bandages changed daily,
apa lagi human contact?

tht sometimes,
cant b felt if ur always there.
so alil of not-there is good.
a remedy to the heart.
to noe,
there is sucha feeling, 
n to appreciate wht is there.

bcos one day,
we all will part ways,
its whether we all wana continue lighting the connection, or let the leaves over grow.
but the pebbles sown will neve be moved.

dedicated to all the besties i ever had.
skola rendah- izzati esa
standard 6- eka irina
form 2-eshrina gosal
form 4-husniah zaimah
day one uni-athirah ramly
end of 1st yr uia-marjani rafi. n nabilah yaaqob

Friday, June 6, 2014

Arus Social Media

AS cliche as i can sound,
on this very boring friday morning,
as i settle my moms work frm the hallways of the htar emergency depatment, since i cant figure wat to do this morning.
lol, after a super boring medical bedsideteaching,
thankfully woken up by a more exciting trauma case,
(well i just generally love trauma)

since there isnt any usrah today,
and it has been a long time since iv gone fr usrah?

lets just do some stepping back n usrah.

in this modern world, where we all flip our phones first thing in the morning,
instagram our breakfast,
waze our routes,
facebook our feeling,
tweet our anger,
and blog our rants,

who do we actly type these words, letters, and posts to?
i ask myself this.
who are we really informing our footsteps?
who actually listens?
n hu actly cares?
and what if no one cared?

are we still gona pour our hearts out?
our deepest darkest secrets,
or the scartches of our lives, tht paint the ultimate horific mess that each one of live?
or (TRY to) paint this beautiful potrait for viewers to awe us?
how cool we r with our brand new samsung phones,
sparkling cars, tall glasses of margaritas?

we conclude those quiet on social media are lonely,


what are these generalisations we make to the less posting?
and what eyes do we present to?


suddenly i feel tht this life has become so superficial
so meaningless to many.
tht we own an iphone, just for the iphone.
to supposedly 'capture' our moments,
which some, we even hide,
hide frm the spectators of people, but not minding to others?
to who do we really conform to actly?
to mere mortals with supposed 'immortal' powers of politics, power n position?
to the unseen, but most felt One of all?

till when are we gona have these double standards of life?
till when do we need to conform to others?
to be perfectly size 2,
or be fair,
and lanky,
to be beautiful,
and to be the opposite as the 'trapped diva' that throws fits, uncool, conservative and just a follower?


when the lunchgang sat tgthr last lunch,
we all decided to put our fons away.
all of us.
all our gadgets.
it was just us.

n honestly,
i liked it.

even tho we had tht lame clause whereby the first person to touch the fon has to pay,
we knew it was a joke.
but we all conformed,
and we had a ball of a time
though the picture of our ayam penyet dint get uploaded,
but memories did.

maybe thts the problem.

we all thinki we wud forget moments.
we are afraid we might lose life just in a blink of an eye.
people may grow up,
hearts grow apart,
and minds occluding each other.

but y fear?
y fear when Allah has already set it all apart?
its never too late,
never is it too early for anything.

if u think u had done a mistake,
u may not be able to turn back the clock,
but don we have the most superior tht manages time?
n hearts?
n people, and all creatures of the world?
tht can correct things if He wills to?

if u think things r too early?
then take it slow,
and make dua?
for all u noe,
it wasnt early,
instead, an instinct, a guide from Allah to pave our roads to an even better ending?

this is not my two cents.
but my ultimate sadness.

that people around me are so aroused with the materialistic world.
to chase the elite,
to live the conformities of the looked up world,
and to forget the essence of life.
and Most Importantly,
the One who arranges it all.

PErcaya to the Quran u say,
then why dont u believe to surah tht says,
(which meant) If God Has willed something good for u, nothing in this whole world can stop it from u, and if God has willed something bad, nothing in this whole world can protect u.

its time we all put our feet down.
care less what people think of ourconservativity.
and care for our future generation, our children, nieces n nephews.
and say NO.
NO to excessive social media.
NO to self centredness.
NO to any God's commands.

and walk away.

cos i think its my turn.
im tired of it too.
but silaturrahim cant b broken either.

jumaah barakah.

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Friday Sweetness :))


i had been goin thru a kinda tough week.

so yday,
let me twist tht frown the other way round.
macamla i pulled my face into different contortions la kan.


thank u awak fr chasing after all the 7elevens in shah alam to find slurpee
mimi n me!

and thank u mogy for bringing m around the indian global festival and spoiling lik mad!

i started my day late.
like really late.
but i covered my bases.
and i covered all needed aspects :))

don underestimate late bloomers i tell u.
n im not saying me.
im saying in generalll!

Heard of "Last friday night" before?
Well if u havent,
Go google up katy perry.
Im having a knacker fr her songs at the moment.
She breaking the 'blondies' trend tht I normally like.
U noe..britney spears..hilary duff...ellie goulding..
All blondes.

I have a thing for blonde singers.
So if u wan me to fall fr u, go blonde.

jilabi sweety
Which sounds lik jelly bean.
But so much better.
its oficially my favourite ladu!! 
But the best so far must have been the one mimi's dad bought frm spore!

But this jilabi was way beyond sweet bcos it was a treat from the sweet sweet mogy!
mogy n i

She spoiled me with sweet after sweet!
N treat after treat!

Such a cheat to my diet life!
N wen I stood on the scale this morning I was ohmyyyyyy! *gaspgasppp*

But I wudnt turn back tym.

Cos I was living my watsapp status!
"socialista" XDD


Although this week was rough in its own way,it resolved. Alhamdulillah. Cos honestly, I cant handle drama. Too tiring. Eventhough my lunchgang nominated me to act in place of siti saleha! Cos u noe...she n her slang...don just jive w the alim figure she seems to hold in all these dramas n cerita nowadays.
Not judging.
I think its good they chose her, so tht she learns something. And honestly, I cant really think of any other actress tht can really carry such roles (well except fr me, but hey, im a medical student *shrugs cara poyo*)

I then imagined,
A life  if things were to carry on like this.
U noe, if I had lived away frm home,
What a life id live.
Besides the gym life I had once described before,
I think, my weekdays wud be,
Subuh n quran,
Followed by carrying a bag with my day baju, as I scoot off to gym,
After about a 3 km run, I hop off to the hospital,
And end the day late, mosprolly with an oncall,
At which I come back bfore asr to sleep in n reenergize bfore I run out into the world fr the oncall.

Or the other way round, where I start early in the hospital,
Run for tea in the gym
And go back to the hospital til late,
Where I go scuttle with my friends makan-ing and chatting away giggling.

And Friday nights spent leasuring around to welcome the weekend :))
lik yday ;)

What a nice life.


Bak kata mimi,"some one really enjoyed themselves,"
As I came back in the nick of time fr maghrib.

again, Thank u mimi fr temaning me chase down 7elevens all around shah alam to find slurpee!
To find slurpee.

Do you noe how many 7elevens we went?!?!
From one section to the other.
And we finally found a working machine behind ainaa's house in seksyen 9! Hehe :))
I was a happy girl.
N a nughty girl, as mimi also teman-ed me makan icecream XDD
Set aside my asthma earlier tht day.
Alhamdulillah I was fine.

So tht was my awesome2 Friday,



fourth yr med stud in the emergency department of htar!

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

kenapa tak husnu zohn sikit?

husnu zohn.
aka. bersangka baek.
aka. to not draw negative conclusions, instead having an open mind.

"bcos i noe her so well la" liddat orang jawab.
as i once discussed with my dear friend,
its much easier to husnu zohn a passer by, then a person u live with.

i mean, y not?
a passer by tht ur only gona encounter mosprolly once in ur life, rather than some one tht u have to face on a daily basis right?

as i once mentioned,
if u were asked people to die fr Islam, a line of people wud come up as fast as lightning, but if we were to call people to live fr Islam,
buttt how many wud actly come up and line up?
to live day in and day out following the sunnah,
to abstain frm the wrong? and not listen in to tht meme, or to not join in the sarcasm?
to wakeup every morning with a doa, and not just flip ur fon to c if theres a watsapp txt waiting fr u?
to enter the toilet with the left foot, reciting, may Allah protect me from syaitan everytime u enter.
to eat with ur right hand, and abstin not from haram food, but from haram sources such as riba and stealing whats not urs.
to cover the aurah, not jus wrap it up.
to pray on time, in congregation? not to put 2 solats tgthr right at the last minute.
and best of all,
to remain the calm attitude at all times? and not fight even when its clear cut tht ur right but ur against ur mulut celupar enemy?

just as how the prophet had always been calm to all those around him,
not even to the woman hu used to throw things at him,
not even to the blind man that used to talk bad about him while he fed him daily,
not to the family member tht betrayed hm, not respecting him,
not to anyone at all to lose his temper.


wat are our sacrifices compared to his?

to wake up in the morning smiling to our parents?
to put down our phones at the dinner table,
to drive according to the speed limit on the roads,
to respect all those around us irregardless of their rank, gender, age, race and background.
to quit sarcasm n inapproapriate responses to conversations?
to care fr people around us sincerely, and not whts on instagram, facebook or tweet it out?


many at times,
wen we come at crossroads tht we do not noe where to head,
we take the shortcut and assume the worst,
when a friend doesnt pick up the fon, we assume he just doesnt want to talk to us,
when our colleagues dont answer our question, we assume they think we;re stupid and refuse to talk to us.
when a big car drives past, we think they come from a rich, stuck up family,
when am usrah congragates, we shy away, because we fear we might be labelled as a wanabe lame dono-er,

maybe life was better without the handphones, without the 'last seens' and the 'likes'
at least we knew the quran was the last thing to be held,
the face of those we sit with are the screens we look at,
at least we dint need to obsess with whether a person has gotten our msg, or whether the roads seriously are screwed with jams, or people just have a life behind tht mata-less smiles on instagram,
and tht long facebook alim status?

well the list goes on.

but how many times have we just stepped back, and wondered,
maybe my friend isnt all hay day today because she had some issues today?
or her fon is about to die, and there is some major problem we don seem to noe?
or our colleagues themselves do not noe the answer, and are tekun looking for the answer themselves?
or the big cars driven past us are human too, they too have lives filled with their kind of problems?
wat if these usrah mates do really look forward to seeing u?

watching luth mahfuz,
as the passing away of the beloved perak sultan brought tears to my eyes.
it was the remedy i was looking for.

how self sacrifice of the highest order is in fact,
not a person's life per se.
not ending ur pulses, nor ur breath,
but taking the breath of others, (obviously bot by suffocating them-lol-)
by smiling when others are mad,
by reminding others of sunnah even when people seem busy in their lives,
by carrying out the sunnah even in our already preoccupied and preempted routine,
by never ever stoppin istiqomah.

alhamdulillah, i feel ramadhan came early this year.
with the recitation of the quran on telly,
i feel so much more fulfilling,
as i have lost the essence of fulfilment these past few weeks.

ever since i read kelabu by nadia khan,
my writing ability have seriously declined.
as i feel as if i can never benchmark myself against her kelabu.

insyaAllah maybe my writing spark will come back one day.
but for now.
i am in search of my soul.
tht i had lost these past few weeks.

reminded in luth mahfuz the movie,
correct our strings with Allah, and Allah will correct it all.

especially as the hadith went,
when Allah loves u, He (literally) tells the world.
He tells the angels, the skies and all creations of His.
isnt tht wonderful?
i mean,
wat Love is higher than the Love from Allah?
what matters if people love u if the Love of all Love doesnt lie in ur heart?
wat matters more than being loved by the most Loving?
whats the point of trying to raise love from ur lecturers, peers, friends, family and lover if The Lover doesnt raise ur love rank in the skies?
till where will our mere mortal love last if it is not being showered with rahmah and barakah?
how can we maintain a relationship to jannatul firdaus if we cant even get a bridge to connect to jannatul firdaus in the first place?

so today,
lets raise Love to the next level.
Love fr the sake of Allah.
Even as Emma, the fictional character in Luth Mahfuz loved her family, even at the expense of putting her face to shame as her husband turns away from her, she still shows love and sweetness.
lets jihad for this sweet affectionate face and character, even when people detest our presence, even when we seem to not loved.
maybe they memang don lik us,
lets reconnect with allah.

as i once firmly believe,
the hardest person to correct is actly,
no one can correct us besides us.
no one noes us better than us.
it is our mistakes hardest to crrect.


i have been kinda hiatus,(but still writing in private-n rambling in blogs)
until today really ticked me off.

"Kenapa nak pakai tudung? Aku solat je, puasa je, smua aku dgn Allah aku buat,"
 Then now the Muslims provocate further by asking,"orang non muslim pun boleyh pakai kenapa awak tak nak pakai?"

Obviously replied with,"kubur masing-masing, Allah pun tahu hati aku,"

First up,
This is not me being on any side,
Nor is it me pointing people out,
Just a reflective piece as I lay down fr my Qailullah back frm the hospital.
(Oh I miss these kinds of sweet days tht I just can lay my head to rest.)

I have always been some sort of the type tht, niat is important,
Husno zohn la sikit mengapa orang tu bwat salah.
(bcos remarkably husnu zohn always wins)
(bersangka baek is after all selemah-lemah ukhwah-n we all noe ukhwah is lik fillah mann!)

It just got me thinking,

U don have to tell people u washed ur hands, bcos just by looking they can c ur hands clean (or in my case, u can freaking smell the alcohol-sanitizer hospital la obviously-)


U don need to tell people u cleaned ur car with dettol, cos obviously, the smell of dettol wud obviously b there.

neither dyu need to tell people ur a drunk, when they can c ur bloodshot eyes, and tipsy behaviour.

So wudnt tht b the same as our heart n actions?
Of course, as an instagram post once read, "we have to b weary to not b of some ppl hu dispise satan in public, but secretly are huge followers in private,"

But ade ke orang, tht du the opposite?
Is it even possible to b bad in the face of others but sincerely, behind closed doors, and in the car, ur the sweetest angel of mankind?
Was tht really prescirbed in Islam?
Was Islam something for us to be ashamed and to be hidden?
can actions really run away from what is in the heart?
isnt actions really wat ur heart really feels?

Especially when ur in a muslim country tht allows u to practice ur right? (wen we;re talking about religiou actions la kan)


For now,
Im not just restricting it to religious actions n behavior,
But it just crossed my mind about behavior of us,
Inside n outside.

Is it possible tht infront of public we can humiliate others, act as if it dint matter, have a tidak apa attitude,
But in reality, still care about one another?

Is that possible?
Wat more,
Is tht even allowably correct?
yes. thts my question, 
"Allowably Correct?"

Its not the outside tht matters,
(im a sure advocate of tht, since u don really c me a figure of an hour glass, with perfect fair skin and pretty clothes, still, confident i m in this fiesty world-as much as i can la)
But it hurts the inside.
The inside hurts, even if it’s the outer cover was the one exposed.
Just lik our skin,
That burns from the outside inside,
Hence tanning us a shade darker wen we stand in the stand continously.

Idk where this piece is goin.


I wish people just became consistent with their actions.
And of course, a self reminder to myself as well,
Bcos I don’t wana fall into either categories.
Tht is.
  1. Super baek on the outside, tapi bile inside n private alone, ttly different
  1. Or, not caring, and not endahing on the outside in public, but super sweet on the inside.

Cos it hurts,
surely it must b wrong.

cos it hurts,
surely it cant b allowably correct.

cos it hurts,
surely cos it deprives one from dignity. and puts others to shame.

and most of all,
surely Allah noes whts in the hearts of all.



Saturday, May 24, 2014

U took time to memorize me,

Selamat petang
Saturday frm my current fav place in the world.
My lepak place.
My study place.
The place im
The place tht cozs
me to b a lil sengkek this month.

Tapi thank u place.
Thank u Allah fr
this place.

n thank you for labelling me a geek.
i lik dat.
i wana b lik dat till i have to.
another year je lagi.

Tanya la thy
They'd noe.

"Im pretty sure
we almost broke up last night."

As I started my work
today fr my mom,
I clicked on the new
songs I downloaded yday fr my ears to listen to.
None other than the
ever famous taylor swift.

I never paid second
glance to this song.
N it was by accident
tht I downloaded this song.

"You took time
to memorise me,
I'd like to hang out
with you for the rest of my life."

Its beat brought me
back to life.
God surely does noe
how to 'pujuk' me.
Thank you Allah :))

Its as if, it was
singing about wat I had gone thru yesterday.
In the most cheerful
way it could have been.

"And I said,
Stay, stay, stay,"


Bcos sometimes in
There are times u
feel lik kicking the bucket,
Feel lik jumping out
the window of the class,
And scream on top of
ur lungs.
But there are people
in this world that God created, utus-ed to b around u tht just stays.
Tht pujuks u the way
no one does.

Just like episode of
'Raising Hope' this morning on star world,
Where the parents of
jimmy n sabrina were so worried tht their life was so secure, so complete and
so serene. Yeah, they were worried tht they were worry free.
Kelakar la!
Gelak I dengar.

But yeah, plateau
can sometimes b a lil tad boring.
And life some times
just needs a lil spark.


 Taylor Swift - Stay Stay Stay (Lyrics)