♥ Drama Queen ♥

Monday, January 20, 2014

post osce,pre clinicals rants!

there are some things,
they just cant stand alone.
they were made in pairs,
sometimes in teams,
for us to help one another.

salams from the post OSCE,post KUB xray,post MDI accuinhaler fifilesunshine.
as instagram went,
i dint post anything (yet) for today.

i just discoveed,
statigram emailed me with my instagram statistics.
and my IG birth certificate lies on the 13th of May 2012,
2403 pictures later,
my instagram account isnt even 2 years old.
so yeah,
a little does go alongggg way.

so for OSCE went,
a 23 year old was brought to the emergency department with breathlessness,
i totally smiled to myself tht i dint really read the question preoperly,
i totally blanked on the last question,
blank referin to the fact tht i at first skipped it.
boleyh pulak skipp soalan tu.
but yeah,
i answered it.
thank you.

and as KUB went,
i was right about the left kidney, though not entirely correct for the position of the stone..
spooning of nails was kinda funny wen i left the hall and mimi looked and me said,
"did u write all the cozs for ur ddx?"
i just nodded and laughed, lik a little girl to their mommies. haha..
for infective endocarditis, i ttly rmmbered was dr T tot us in class for IV pen and a micin group of antibiotics for several months.. well, wallhualam la kalau salah..tapi xsilap tht was wat he said significantly, as he warned us in class to NOT forget. LOL.
n then there was the metabolic acidosis, well, for heavens sake, i do NOT noe how to count decompensation.

before the exms, as i sat for bfast with my 2 loved ones,
eventhough mimi was bz with her tabby,
and mom was busy with her translation,
i sighed out loud,
"omg, im goin for my fourth yr exmination"

maybe its no biggy for u,
but subconciously (n loudly) i noe thts just one step closer to real life medical practice.
housemanship and well,
the drama n decision of saving people's lives.
everytime i look around class,
or think back,
im lik,
im lookin at 26 other ppl hu wud eventually become doctors, my classmates are all gona graduate and work as doctors,
theres no two way wat we're gona become.

its not lik wen i was back in form 1/2, wen u lok around and u guess wht everyone will become.
this time,
its real.

wat speciality je.
but hw many actly specialize anyway?
as my deputy dean wrote,
u only give up/quit if u hadnt had success in ur mind.
and ofcourse,
success is the goal of everything we do.


lik how i passed several cemeteries and a fatal acident,
i m reminded tht we all will die, adn eventually end up in the grave.
and i pondered,
ofcourse i believe of an afterlife,
if i dint,
what wud a dead person be but nothing instead just a bunch of memories.
very sad in deed.

so i turned to my mom to ask,
"ma, to get a brightly lit kubur, we have to dirikan solat malam kan ma?"
in reply she retorted,"but whats the point if u do bad to others and arent good in other things?"
tht surely made me sentap (taken aback--ohgolly,i had a partial language mental block back in the exm hall earlier, started thinking in malay. astagfifullah. huaaa)

so yeah.

here's to part 2 exam medicine, lusa.

as my mom kate,
"takde la banyak sgt exm,"
sbb we don even get cuti after exms.

as 'takdela-byk-sgt' goes...
i was terkurung at home for 2 days,
didn drive,
and dint c my dad at all (walhal he was in the house)..
so u can imagine how i was last weekend pre exm.
even wen eka watsapped all the way from the UK i din reply much.
my exctly reply was,
"tgh study"
n thts all.

nak maen frozen! while i wait for my mom in banting,
forgot to tel u,
im in banting! hehe!


doakan exam ku rabu ini!

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

A fourth year medical stud rants

If you’re in malaysia,
It might be Tuesday,
But not ur ordinary Tuesday,
It’s a holiday.
A hair raising holiday,
As people march around town berselawat
Aka praising our beloved prophet Muhammad :))

*Though I honestly kept thinking it was Saturday.*

A hair raising,
Tear dropping,
Heart moving one,
As u c people come together, to just selawat,
Carrying banners,
Wearing their best,
And just selawat-ing out loud,

As I drove past them,
I felt so serene,
And moved,
Of course,
My car was moving the 60 km per hour,
But u noe wht I mean, my heart moved.

Today was one of those days tht u can just sit back, look and say,
I had a good day" kind of a feeling,

Though somewhere in between sending in my mom's conference paper,
I remembered I had a case write up due Thursday,
*Yeah, lets pop up while im doin stuff wont u?*

What was the composition of a good day?
A day tht u wake up when u wake up.
Wat the heck did the above sentence mean?
Well it meant that u wake up when your internal alarm wakes u urself up, and it is exctly at the right time,
Even if, its because ur mom switched on the telly for the maulud festivals,
*nothing wrong with tht obviously*
My mom has even appointed a day in the week to learn the hadith 40,
Which I am currently learning in my usrah too!

Today also demarks the day "aku ada wali" airs on tv.
It is a series on tv alhijrah by my fav author, fatimah syarha.
I had somewhat of an idea what the drama wud come out,
And wen I saw on the "info" button of astro, tht it sets in Korea, I was like,

I ws excited,
And seriously,
I don’t really watch telly.

I think I have only watched the HD astro on my telly twice(this being the second) ever since it was upgraded (which was about after raya)
But for the sake of dinner
(which we all kinda forgot to buy)
Hence, I had to cook,
Don ask wat I cooked, as I squeezed my time cooking ONLY during the ads.
So pls,
Imagine the mess and the masakan.

*looks at the clock on my apple green wall*
Oh golly,
Its 1130, which actly means 1113 in real life, *yeah, screw my clocks, they are all tad alil too fast - in the oddest time lapse-"

Back to "aku ada wali"
As I excitedly watsapp-ed mimi to watch,
But she was busy reading radio(logy) as I saw the email inboxed to my fon,
I suddenly heard eka saying,"study2!"
And cud actly c my other bestie cringin her face to the site of this drama.

The drama started really cute.
If u are familiar with gol n gincu, then ud understand wht I meant,
In order to watch tht drama continuously,
U must either lik the actors or lik me, adore the scriptwriter.

Though a lil awkward at (most) times,
I believe there is some message they are tryin to convey (obviously, as the scriptwriter is a well known author)
This being her first tym, must b a challenge,
I honestly want to c the blossoming of the characters.

Does the lead actress (hu unfortunately seriously look lik she has a stiff tongue) becomes for sederhana,
Or just carries on being how she is.
(which is lik,a lil bit too kekokly 'alim') mmm..

Im sorry if im a lil practical,
I noe,
And obviously dramas are things tht show the extremes of life,
Or not,
Theyd b just plain boring.

Its just,
Its tough to be the perfect muslim, (which has only been one, Muhammad s.a.w.)
And wen zahira (the best friend of syumaila - the lead actress-) says,"and wht? U wana try being perfect? And ppl might regard u as a hypocrite?"
I was lik,"why havent I heard tht before?"
which i noe the correct way to respond to tht (which was SAID right, though NOT acted out right)
which is:
"ofcourse we are not perfect muslims, sometimes not even close, but we have to strive, the biggest 'fight', which is against oneself to be better than yday with ourselves (not to the world), and tht is most important"
Maybe the actresses dint understand tht meaning of the asaid phrase I typed above,
But trust me
It carries great impact,
Lik how syumaila says, "never mind tell me wen ur ready and we shall go together"
I imagined it much much muchhhh more softer,
Tht might be MY perception,
But I bet a lot of other people wud lik tht too.

As my aunt once said,
"my friend said to me,'I have to tell u this bcos it is my responsibility, but u have to wear the tudung,'"
Well, my aunt didn’t really lik tht now did she?
Of course she was offended,
And obviously, mmg pun responsibility to ask the dear ones of u to adorn the covering of aurah.
But wat impact wud u have if ur NOT realyyyy tht close tot tht person and u just tell them out straight?

Im not saying wht the friend of my aunt did was wrong,
Mmg pun responsibility,
Tapi kalau the message doesn’t get across, I feel as if,
Lagi double the problem,
Lagi kne damage control ada la =_="

At twennie three,
I pun xla brape tahu the correct way,

But I once saw a post on instagram,
"instead of saying, If u don pray, ull go to hell,
Why don we say,"lets pray n go to jannah together"

I teared.
And even now it wells up my tearducts.


Many things said in the drama are things we all have said in our heads.
Maybe u guys havent,
But I noe I have.
Even the asaid mentioned phrase. "the I don wana b a hypocrite"

Memang, kadang-kadang memang ada orang akan judge us,
People hu say,
Hok alohh.. Smlm tudung labuh, today lilit balek,
Or kejap pakai handsocks, kejap takda,
Or, nak datang usrah ke tak ni?

Kalau kita dengar cakapan mereka,
Are we gona deny what our fitrah wants?
Are we gona deny tht small little voice in our hearts tht yearn the yards of kain tht covers our aurah beutifully?
Or the small little group chats of agama?
Or the feeling of love we feel wen we adhere to religion closely?

Are we really gona throw all tht away?

Are we really gona tell ourselves,
Oh no, I cant b good, cos tomoro I might be bad again?
Or, oh no, I cant go for usrah, cos I tak pandai baca quran?
Or, oh no,I will be all alone in usrah without my normal click?

Well then,
What if, just if, today was our last day, and tht usrah group meeting was gona be our last meeting with people,
At least we noe,
And are guaranteed to b in the shade of allah, as Allah promised for those 7 people,
One f those,
People hu meet and leave for the sake of Allah.

What if, just if, we learn to read the Quran tht we never had the chance, or we might have been deprived from learning all this time?
Wud we want to deny the angels tht Allah has promised to guard those tht learn the Holy words of Allah?

What if, just if, you might be all alone without your click,
But then, where wud the stand of an ummah, where all of us are all brothers and sisters of Islam?
Or simply,
What if, just if, we imagined us in the graveyards,
When we definitely,
Confirmatorily will be all alone?

But a dear note to those hu I highly respect,
Those hu already have the light,
Those hu have had the opportunity to be raised well,
To be taught well,
To be learned in the fields of religion and the holy scriptures,

Please allow us in too.
Please accept us like your children in search of light,
The children that in the morning wake up groggily,
Then as the day prgoresses, hunger for the light of fitrah,
But sometimes, fall to play at asr,
And even other times go back to dormant states by dusk.

I noe,some of u have the best of hearts.
And I have seen.

Like personally,
How I go to my uni's usrah group,
Be it thegeneral or the mbbs one,
I feel utmost happy.

Especially the general ones,
I may be a loner,
With myearphones plugged in,
But I then c trickling in,
People from all kinds of backgrounds,
Tak kesah tudung belit, pacak,selempang or labuh,
They come in,
On their own free will,
And thenaqibah ushers them in so wonderfully,
I many times get touched
And dearly,
I love the nqibahs here.

M I attached to the naqibah?
Buti see their warmth,
The true characteristics of a mother.
Soft and gentle,

I soemtimes see some of them (the participants) squirm with their jeans (as majority of the ones hu comes are in jubahs n kurungs)but the naqibah never judges.

Thank u Allah. :))
Truly,there is always kebaikan if u find it.

I really hope they tackle all the important issues tht we all fight thru daily, (back to aku ada wali)
And I really hope the viewers don get turned off and just go with the flow and learn whe we can,

 Lik the verses quoted in the drama.
Unfortunately I din get to write them down.

One day,
Maybe just one day,

I wana write my own script.
(or maybe I have started)

But oh golly,
Long have I not even touched this dear lappie of mine,
Wat more with the exms next week,
Which I unfortunately miscalculated to be the week after next.

But I must say,
Tazkirahs don’t and definitely may not be in the form of "bulatan cinta" or "usrah" or "daurah"
I think the best tazkirahs are those tht the people around u teach u,
Lik tht lil talk u have with ur bestfriend back from the hospital,
Or tht story about another tht u hear,
Or just simply something a person relays to u about another.

U can learn,
U can reflect that,

Alhamdulillah I don have piles and have a normal bowel movement daily,
Or alhamdulillah, I am the only child and have only this much to handle,
Or alhamdulillah, I am not in the range of people hu gossip, (cause after all, those hu gossip about others are most likely gona gossip about u)

Reflecting back to last weeks forum perdana,
The biggest sin is the sin tht we tot of small,
And the smallest of sins are those sins tht we consider the biggest.

I don’t make sense?

We often hear ourselves (okayh,maybe only me) saying,"but I have to say this about so and so just to let u noe about them, its not mengumpat, its just warning/telling"
Well tht my dear friends,
According to ustaz zaharuddin from uia,
Is a grave sin indeed,
As talking about others is bad.
As imam syafie once said,
"if what ur saying about the other person is wrong, then it is called fitnah, and if what u r saying is right, then its called backbiting"

And we all noe wht the consequence of backbiting in the akhirah?
It is like eating the flesh of the other.

So seriously,
Gossipping is anything at all,
As long as u open up the flaws of others,
Even if it was a foolish crush tht had a flaw.

I once even read tht opening up ur own flaw is not recommended by the prophet,
Though I m sad to say,
I cant rmmber whe I had read tht hadith :((


It has been a long time since I have had some muhasabah diri session.

And I thank Allah for this day.
For the first time,
A person hu rarely talks about death, reminded me of death.
I obviously just shrugged at tht moment,
And I actly answered back
(normally I don answer back if I agree or muhasabah diri skali with the idea)
Things lik these happen.

But u noe wat they say
*okayh, maybe wat aku ada wali said*
Or was it instagram?

The best of friends are those tht often remind u of the akhirah,
The ones tht don just wana b friends with u now,
But with u later.


So thank you awak for reminding me.
Totally shook me there.

Oh yeah,
Aku ada wali said,
Kasih biar satu,
Sayang biar seribu

Wel something lik tht,
Err. Sayang is too vague for me, id feel it wen I feel it,
And sometimes I feel it for no reason at all!

I swear (somewhat la) the littlest things go longest way.
They do.


I will miss medical school.
As much as "don get attached to moments" go,
I shall then live it in the moment
And take as many videos  pictures (n blog) as much as I can.

I might one day look back and miss sitting for hours in class and massaging mimi's hands,
Or standing for bedside teaching and feeling clueless
Or dreading the schedule tht keeps changing,
But I will miss them all.

But hu noes?
I might like the adventure more?


Sunday, January 5, 2014

the weekend paradigm shift



You noe what I love most about my room?
The fact tht I have a tonne of books all around me.
(a tonne mayyyy just b an exaggeration)
My room is not the quientissential book paradise.
Neither is it one of those tumblr beautiful bedrooms.

Iv always wanted n dreamed to have a room as such,
But as I grew older, and as I spent many hours away from it,
I just left it as it is.
Not saying it is an awful sight, but its there,
As my sanctuary wen I need it.

A sanctuary where books lie around and I can just pick one up,
Open a random page,
And pop!
Im transformed,
Im touched,
Im reminded.

today's read
yasmin mogahed's reclaim ur heart
always reminds me for a musahabah diri


Back then wen I was younger, my room had been my playroom,
With toys and accessories,
Crayons and papers,
Art stuff n deco.

Now in my 24th year of life,
It has chgd,
On my daybed,
I can lie,
With a yasmin mogahed or my laptop,


What more when my saturdays now are preoccupied with classes in uni.
And I get whisked away with mimi awayyy..

Weekeends have always been special.
They are the only time we get to get to converse.

People u bump, meet, see daily are not those u converse with actly,
U might, eat, sleep and do things with them,
But conversations may never do take place.

"the furtherst distance is miscommunication"

So, just as weekends are,
They are the replacers to the lost conversations,
the glue to paper,
the miss in komunikasi terms to strengthen ukhwah fillah
The dire need to release those words tht were in ur head,
The emotions leashed (okayh,they sound brutal,but theyre on the contrary)
the warmth felt,
the oozy happy feeling.

or maybe,
its lik wat nicholas sparks said,
"sometimes, the most ordinary things could be made extraordinary, simply by doin them with the right people"


thank you for making me tht right person :))

There's somehting about conversations,
They touch u.
(in places weekdays seem to fuzz out)
They musahabah u.
(lik times weekdays can never fill)

Oh my.

This is it.
Fourth year medicine.
One more year.

And we shall all part ways.

But then, in this modern era,
I feel parting hasn’t quite meant anything anymore.
U may b a thousand miles away,
But when hearts are close,
And the aid of technology,
How cud u feel the distance?

I once read an fbstatus by an ustaz, (obviously in malay)
dyu noe why when men are fighting they raise their voices, yet, they never quite seemingly hear wht the opponent is saying?
Contrary to love birds hu whisper quiet words, and all is understood?
Bcos the voice is just an indicator of the distance of the heart,
As u get more and more angry, ur tone increases just as the distance of the hearts of the two fighting,
Hence, they try to overcome it by raising their voices tryin to achieve closure…

So u noe,
I had been doin some thinking,
And im like,
Im so lucky,
I don need to say it out,
I don need to call it out,
But I can totally feel the love energy from all those around me.

Just opening my phone,
I read watsapps as if they are in front of me.


Havent u tot,
Kalaulah khusyuknye solat kita seperti itu.

Like my mom tegurs la,
"whats the point u do all u do, but u cant achieve smaller things?"

Ouch di situ!

tht is why my fav doas are in my heart,
my talking to my ultimate Loved One,
need not be uttered in words,
im so lucky to have Islam as my religion,
and to be surrounded by Muslimahs so loving of Allah :))

Mujahadah 2014 I believe!

They dint call it jihad if it was easy.
And the hardest one is one against ur inner self.

At this point of life,
I m very lucky and grateful tht Allah has sedarkan I,
And when I deem to fall,
He brings me those around me tht knock it in my head,
My friends,
My family
All so beautifully always remindin me all in their ways.

her: nanti kite masuk syurga kte tgk kte tgk you katne! *in the most delightful way*
me: *sengihs n gelaks*
me intuition: kalau u tak nmpak i, tolong tarek i ek?

but i knew,
i knew she'd look for me,
and instantaneously,
i wanted to break down crying with one hand kering makan ayam bakar,
#ukhwahfillah thank u Allah for such friends ;')
cos theyre not friends,
but they are the essence of ukhwah fillah.
the bond of sisters lillahi taala.

thank u Allah.


"striving excellence is part of islam, excellence is a daily matter,
Just as love,
Its not a destination,
It is a journey,
When u reach a path so straight, so plateau,
Find streams tht may cleanse u further,
Find trees so green that it cleanses ur soul,
Lets break tht plateau,
Bcos lik an ECG, there are always waves."

Ukhwah fillah tht I felt this week was awesome,
From the asma ul husna bersama-sama lunchgangggggg di library to makan dulang di kelas :))

Alhamdulillah for the great news of a loved one tyin the knot soon!
And me being the bridesmaid,
NEED to tie it up too!
Tie up the diet la!

No play play this tym!
Puasa setiap isnin khamis n weneve possible!

Sudah lama tidak bersaum!


From the first weekend of 2014.
Barakah 2014!

double the trouble
double the barakah!


Thursday, January 2, 2014

Its not only nightmares that wake you.

salams second day of january.
second day of 2014,
but actually just another figure of a day in the series of life.
a new day,
a new date,
and a new paradigm if u wanto shift ur old one.

i woke up today,
alhamdulillah to finish yet another workload of medical school stuff,
*not tht i have started on mehhh*
which i have started to begin to feel very thankful for.
*cos noeing tht my medical school years are coming to its near end soon*

yesterday, as i drove into the streets of the empty city of kl,
i finally remembered why i had anticipated this new year.
i finally remembered why i had been dating dates 2014,even in the year 2013 (never have i done tht in my whole life)
it was because this was the year tht i'd say,
"i graduate next yr"

when people ask me (quite frequently),"so when dyu graduate?"
i normally pause.
*sometimes a very long pause*
not noe-ing wht to say,
counting in my head,
not really sure,
but i soon realised as the math became clearer that 2015 was the year.
and as much as its STILL one yr more.
im not really sure to say tht this wud b a long yr ahead,
or one tht will pass really fast.
*smirks as things flash by*

i might be listening to songs tht i used to listen back to form 1.
aka literally 10 yrs ago.

lik seriously.
not in a hundred years had i been thinking about 10 yrs down the road of 2003/2004 what id b doin today,
whe id be,
wht id be doin

about this day ten yrs back, i sat in 2a2 with eshrina,
infront of melissa n eka,
bhind lakshmy n natasha.

eka,eshrina n lakhsmy all are medical students just like me.
looks lik we may not b classmates anymore,
but we sure are in the 'same' class of thoughts n learning.

which makes me prospectively looking.
whe wud i be in 10 yrs to come?

you noe,
we neve anticipate death,
its lik its topic is only eligible for those above forty,
or the old.
but looking around,
people pass away.
wheneve Allah has set it to be.

im not depressed.
neither m i suicidal.
but sometimes, its a thought tht crosses my mind you know.
what do i?
a 23 yr old (lving my 24th yr of life) have?
not materialistically,
not the car tht i drive or the house i live in nor the mental status i keep up with,
but what do i have to bring up to Allah?


so much for YOLO-ing now huh?
though i cant help but appreciating everything more now thinking about tht forwardly.
its nice to appreciate the little stuff,
lik how people give u cookies for new yr,
or lik how wen ur feverish n sick, ur bestie goes wengweng bcos 'she ''feels'' what i feel..

if its one thing life has thought me,
u can never go wrong not saying anything.

yeah,alot of us 'regret' not saying stuff,
missing the 'i love yous'
never saying the real 'goodbyes'
or dint get a chance to properly start off 'hello'

basing life on the 'rezeki' role,
u cant really fall so sadly away from the apple.

if u din say goodbye,
its bcos it hasnt come to an end yet,
maybe tht person is gone,
but there is a later than now.
a hereafter after this here.
a fatihah u can kirim,
:)) insyaAllah.

janganla sedih,
Allah terlalu pemurah!
He loves to give pahala (good deeds) to us!

and the real ppl in ur life are those hu think of our future than only our nows right?
i mean,
how many times parents say to their kids, "this is only ur for ur own good"
telling their lil kids when they do sutff the kids don lik,

or on materialistic grounds,
u wud wan a boyfriend hu wants to make u their wife..

or an A in tht exm tht u sit for.


we always look into the future don we?

our parents hu obviously always think of the best for their kids always think about the future.
an the future just aint the 10-20year ahead.
it extends to the paradigm of forever.
the love of a mother tht lasts til forever.

hence, extends to all relationships tht i plan to further in life.
*and renewal of niat to all those tht i go thru right now*
and what more motivates me to love only in the name of Allah than the promise of Allah that,
on the day of no shade but only Allah's,
Allah will shade those of whome who love each other solely in the name of Allah.
how big has Allah uplifted the rank of loving in His name,
so jom berukhwah fillah!
have bonds only for Allah,
so tht one day, wen the real deal comes,
u will b uplifted amongst the rest only to be with those u love.


thank u Allah.
jazakillah khair kathira to all my beloved friends,
and all hu noe me.
may Allah really elevate u guys ranks above all.
and hopefully we all meet each other on arms of gold chairs,
one hand we bring each other towards jannah, 
and the other with our family members.

i better get going,
mimi's management of COPD is nearly 30 pages long,
while i only aniticpate about wat?
15 pages of mine?

thank u for the dream of mimi tht woke me up.
cos i cant thank enuf *sarcasm intended* to my beloved alarms, tht dint attract my earcanals at all =.="
i guess the subconcious mind ttly does it all.
*and thanks to telepathy XDDD as i woke up to mimi's watsapp (okayh,maybe 2 hours later than she earlier had sent) but nonetheless :))*'


"if Malaysia if having their visit Malaysia year, im having the lets ukhwah fillah year!"


Wednesday, January 1, 2014

the last of 2013.

salams dari tahun 2013 of the english calendar.

it is about a minute to midnight on my lappies watch.
my lunchgangggg group watsapp had been buzzing nonstop earlier with newyr-cu nextyr jokes endlessly.
n then theres the endless messages from my friends and my class watsapp group.


well,for some reason, there was some sort of adrenaline rush when i woke up this morning and thought to myself,
hey, its the last day of 2013
its 2014 tomoro.


many things had happened this yr.
*not tht ther hadnt been many things happening in other yrs*pffffttsszzz

and even if when i was rounding the wards,
i kept saying, and thinking, wat the heck,
even if the new yr comes,
id still be in fourth yr,
still b in the internal medicine ward
and still be pretty much the same.
something sparked somewhere.

maybe its the cookies my classmates gave earlier today?
maybe it was the endless love i felt rushing thru ukhwah love?
or maybe....it was Allah's way of loving me.

but one thing for sure,
this was the yr i learnt to become a pipah.
with the undoubtedly lunchganggggggg.

i think tht is enuf for now,
as i can hardly hear my voice as i have a flu.

goodnyte all.
doa kan lah i boleyh istiqomah continuously this coming new year.

"what is courage if there werent any fear?
for there werent be any brave men if they dint overcome something called fear"