♥ Drama Queen ♥

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

cos its taqdir. u n me.

Ill run away with your footsteps.

ON criminal minds tonight, Strauss died. The lady boss of their team. And Rossi who was once involved with her was driven mad for her loss.

Make them dance,
Just like you.
Cos u make me move.

To grieve her death, they sat at a table,
Talking about fond memories they have of her.


Not being suicidal,
But it caught me up.
Thinking of what would the reflection id leave.
the laughs i once shared with people i met,
the chuckles i made of life,
As I fall asleep tonight.
A night of slumber,
Taking forgranted id live another day.

Am I ready to leave this earth?
In my sujood I pray,
Take me when my iman is ready.
As a true lover would love to meet Allah.
Honestly, I don’t think I am (yet).

To write a will,
Of even the most trivial things may have crossed my mind.
But to carry them out, have I not been granted the opportunity yet.

Surely, all the things I own I would like to give them all away.
My most precious things to my bestfriends.
Eka n tyra.

My books,
with their bookmarks,
so that wen im gone,
ull always noe wht were my favourite parts.
My pictures i print,
ull always noe i like to c how  they capture the beuty tht live on.
My diaries i write,
unwritten stories tht were nurtured but never published,
ull always noe i loved writing.
cliff hangers they maybe,
to be continued maybe not now, but the hereafter.

For them to always a part of me when im gone.
And to be reunited with them in jannah one day.
Together with my parents,
Their families.
And those who loved me.
Whoever they might have been.
Known or forgottten.


Oh how boring can I get?

But forgive me if its wrong for me to just wonder these things.

And did not imam syafiee say,
"wise it is he who thinks of death and prepare for it,
As there is nothing more sure than death"

For now,
In my living world.

Im enjoying the quientissential living
Of searching.
Searching for new horizons,
And looking forward to little dates set.
Enjoying private conversations and company of loved ones.
few they maybe.
but to heart they go.
seeded there.
hopefully with pahala to carry and lift all those around me up to jannatul firdaus :))

I may have grown older as I get nearer to a quarter of century in the year after this. But even after reuniting with familiar faces that made my five/six years of life,  talking more sentences I have ever spoken to them in my whole school life compared to the three hours at the wedding.  I still felt like reiterating back to my cocoon. Back to my quiet company. Being 'kid-nap-ed' by quality time away rather than away at the malls or at the busy streets.

If u asked the 16 year old suria,
Never would she predict the laidback character of the current suria.
Of course,
The 16 yr old would expect a size 12 21 yr old, hu has a fancy bag in her hand, leggings underneath her short skirt of a hijabista style and to match, a boyfriend to meet her for cuddles and emotional affection, either, a kampung boy tht totally chgd to suit the urban lifestyle or the intermarriage the 16 yr old suria was preparing for.

Oh boy.
The dreams I had.
Jahil betul.
Dosa je.


kelakar okayh!

the kampung boy hu'd b my imam, as trained from his childhood,
to iqra lepas maghrib,
subuh in the surau.
the intermarriage,
that was so deep in the deen that only lifted his head to me because his deen just wasnt complete just yet.
right till the moment my two witnesses say,"sah"
to the mahar that i seek full of barakah,
dengan sebuah quran yang aku harap bertanda with his favourite parts for us to usrah each other.


dreams of a 16 yr old dont just die.
they just get remodified.

as for now,
im protected. insyaAllah.

Alhamdulillah for hidayah.
Which I continuously pray for all those around me n of course fr ur truly.
That continuously become perantara cintaku with Allah.
Walau di mana these hidayah berada.
Walau di UK sekalipun.
Atau di usrah yang aku sudah lama tak menjenguk.



Have I really aged?
Or is it just medicine?

As I sat there alone in the midst of students studying for their finals in my uni earlier today,
The library was low with chatters. I just smiled to myself, as splashes of hijabs, vibe of characters, and dazzles of fashion paraded in front of me.

I smirked.
Remembering days I used to actly dress up to class.
And the slacker I have been these few yrs as I crossed into clinical yrs.

Do I miss dressing up?
What the heck!
I still chg 2 times (minimal) in the mornings to get ready.
And if I had the choice,
The three things I learnt from bidadari,
N -lipstick
Would always always be onmy tiptop.
But what can I do when im in this hot humid country?!

Mcm impractical je.


Xpe.  Maybe im not tht petite fair or slim lady.
but im verys ure,
Allah has stored the best for me.
n we're not talking about the fat storage =.=" bahahaha..


Dearest Adam,
That twinkle in my eye,
That smile in my laugh,
That blush on my face,
Will they all be kept for you one day when we finally meet.

when u turn around to c me clad in white in the masjid.
to complete our masjid.

As I prepare myself to be the mother I always idamkan for my beautiful children.
Even if my best friend Marjani also wants to call her daughter Zara,
Ill find a way for my daughter to bloom as beautiful as the name goes too.
I noe as each day passes by,
the day draws closer and closer daily,
But for now,
As I am cushioned well by those around me with the help of Allah.
my hands linked with my besties,
my thoughts preoccupied with studies and the dilemmas of a student's and the fight to become a solehah,
solehah to my parents,
solehah to my sisters of islam,
solehah in my duty of a khalifatullah.

And I doa u r too.
Away u r from bala bencana, kesusahan hidup and away from kesempitan as u too prepare to shoulder such great responsibility to complete the sakinah, mahabbah mawaddah of our beautiful family Allah once promised once along time ago before all mankind was made.

Till then,
Let our souls dwell in daily matters.


Side note:(Barakallah to amira n syazwan tgthr with their families hu berjaya to reunite us all, banyak pahala :)) semoga ke jannah kamu berdua together with ur progeny!)

Make them dance, just like u.


cos im special.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

A Sunday Afternoon.

As I lazed back,
I filled my time listening to a playback of usrah nurani.
"kasih disemai, sayang dituai."

Betul la kate ustaz zulramli,
Penuh satu kuliah university if the title has something to do with love.

Well, amongst the reasons y I was intrigued to the title was relatively related to my one of the discussion in yesterday's usrah,
Which was,
"you cant give without having"

So ultimately,
When they asked why entertainers like singers tht lead concerts to entertain us are amongst the most unhappiest ppl on earth?

They dint really answer tht question,
But I had my own answer.
Its bcos they run on the principle tht the saddest ppl wont want others to noe how sad it is to b sad, so they try their best to cheer people up.

Well then,
Where does love n happiness come from?
From our families?
Then whe do our families get it from?
Our parents?
Whe do our parents find their source of happiness?
Is it us?


Surely it must be the Almighty,
The Most Beneficient, Most Merciful and Most Loving, Allah subhanallah wa taala.

Cos if happiness was us,
Then on wat basis?
On our results?
On our performance?
On our cooking?
On our relationships?

We obviously fail them,
Even ourselves on a nearly daily basis as we ourselves go thru the daily drama of ups and downs.
Exposed to the outside world.
Actually, even the inside scares the idea of it.
As the dunia of ghaib stands all around us,
Without u even needing to step an inch out of the doors of our house gates.

Then it all made sense,
We can never say we don have enough love.
Allah kan sayang kita?
Isnt Allah always providing us daily?
The breath we take,
The step me move,
The heartbeat tht pumps and
The self talk tht goes on in our head heard by none (other than Allah alone).



Have a good weekend,
As my dad turns the same age as my mom of 64!

Monday, February 10, 2014

Sleepless in PJ.

Its approximately 2 am here in Petaling Jaya, and of course, the whole of Malaysia too. (and I finish this piece at about 3)
I had difficulty falling asleep. And I dint noe y, considering I din oversleep this morning and I had my fair share of travelling and errand running today. And even after a cool night's mandi karbau tht normally calms me off to bed,
It dint help,
I relentless flipped my fon,
Checked my boring facebook,
And finally spammed my bestie tyra on her twitter.

As Definitely Maybe finished, I then felt the urge to blog,
Which by then I felt my fon vibrate.
I dint remember setting an alarm to set wake me up.

So I quickly found it between my heap of bantals tht I messed all over the bed.

It was none other,
The person I nearly merajok-ed too.
(maybe dah merajok dah pun)

Iv been a lil high on the merajok scale.
Merajok dgn mimi la.
Dgn eka la.

Dgn er..
The list ends there je pun.

Sbb tyra shud b the one merajok w me as I havent even visitted her yet since her birthday (n even for weeks before tht),
Neither have I gotten around to getting her, her bday presie, which I already NOE wat to buy. *im a definite kind of a person once I put my mind to it, though hadnt had the opportunity to get my hands on ermmm =_="

So rupa2nye,
I wasn’t the only one mssin eka.
XDDD grins lik a five yr old.
Or maybe I mumbled.
*I tend to mumble wen im nervous*

Right now im currently waiting for part two of our redenvous conversation,
Macam I don’t have bedsideteaching at ten,
Not to mention with the ever strict dr P. in surgery.
Only god noes whts in brains if he starts asking us questions,
Which he definitely will.

Ill b fine.

insyaAllah will b fasting tomoro, as I havent fasted for a very long time!
And plenty more to ganti.
Cos u noe la kan wens the best tym to period lelama!
Masa puasa!
Not really complaining,
Cos I loved last puasa,
And honestly,
Thinking about the next one,
Im kinda knackered,
Wat if..
Well wat if I don’t match last yr's standard of expectation.
Hopefully I finally khatam quran this tym around!
I really wana khatam this time. -.-

As I earlier on shared on my facebook (then I removed,cos I din noe wht the motive of putting up such statuses were for)
"make Alquran ur bestfriend, and he will stand by you in the hereafter"

Apa lagi?
Especially after hearing tht when we have been counted for at mahsyar,
We will b brought up by the quran to the level of jannah tht we are aqquited to, according to the level of quran we have read.


Kat mana la aku ni!?

"I love u to the moon n forth, and till jannah"


Excuse me.
I think I might wana cry a moment.

As I look around my room,
And I c pictures of me n eka,
And I keep thinking (x husnu zohn la kate kan, bad suria! Bad!)
Y hasn’t she missed me (this is not lame.)
N I wanted to back down again (as I normlly wana do wen I feel negs)
Then Allah keeps me awake at 2am.
Only to hear tht the other side of the world misses me too.

I earlier also posted.
#hypomania. Don feel lik talking.

Maybe because Allah knew hu I really wanted to talk to.

Thank u Allah.

Always trust Allah.
Never has He ever failed me.
Mujahadah yang slow, but insyaAllah surely,
Though banyak kali I fall,
Banyak kali jugak idk whe I m.

Ustaz zul ramli once said,
"perasaan nangis semasa mengaji, itu satu perasaan hanya pada kesedaraan and shall pass too"

I cried.
Cos I hear tht happening to all those around me too.
Those hu came back to the true path, and now they just don feel it as intense as it was once.n I too, have felt tht too.
Times where I just don’t  turn to the quran in the mornings,
The times I dint cry to the zikirs.

Maybe thts y I slip jap.
But slipping is scary.
Cos just lik everything else tht is addicitive,
Be it cigarattes, drugs or drinking,
One sip, one blow hooks u on.

Doakan saya!
Doakan Suria Afifah Mohammad Ridhuan istiqomah menjadi anak solehah, sahabat solehah dan khalifah berguna diredhai Allah!

And tht is why my dear friends,
To berhijrah,
Kita juga perlualah berhijrah bersama companionsnye skali.
Not to say leave ur friends,
But sometimes,
New ones remind u the new you tht u are tryin to reach.

But for me,
It has been even more memorable,
As I had always been bestowed with friends tht just always pull me back,
Tht remind me.
Tht berhijrah even with me,
And even deeper than me,
Me standing next to them,
Terlalu cenot.

How wonderful.

The further they have astrayed,
The bigger their jump, the closer they get to Allah,
As their leap is higher.
But surely,
My tiny steps must be considered.

"indeed my lord is near n responsive" 11:61

So far,
Im still on the track,
I havent bought any new tudungs tht are less than the bidang I once proposed.
But I still own some shawls tht if not worn properly are just a horrendous mess,
And hu else noes horrendous mess than i.
Which I have been goin thru all this week endlessly. Urghh.
insyaAllah next week a better week,
Eventhough my favourtie tudung lebar has been hancus from the iron,
And I havent looked at it ever since,
Sebab hancusnya my heart too.

I miss the wide yards of kaen.

And judgin by eka;s timetable,
There isnt much time wen shes back :(
(as I plan to go kaen shopping with her :(( )
I might even b busy with MY exams,
Tht Wud b crucial.
All the theories.

Its true.

Our souls have met before.
Those souls tht have met before congregate in this dunya, and stick with each other even after they part.
Thank you Allah.


And even more,
How can u miss a person u meet daily?
A person u fought so hard with,
But u love so ultimately,

If this is now,
I wonder what wud the effect of my future progeny?
My future spouse and inlaws?

The heart is not only a space to be filled,
To be carried around,
To be given away,
But it is an abstract item gift from the Almighty Allah.


Thank you Allah.

And as a hadith went,
This, this heart, is rebutan shaytan.

For us,
To take care of.

"a good book is better than a hundred books, but a good friend is better than a whole library" -shakespeare-

Hadiah allah kurniakan,
Especially for me,
The only child.

If only u guys knew how it felt lik being the one and only child.
It gets lonely at times.
But u learn to live with it.
So wen I do have company,
I expect only the best.
(my mom tak kasi expect anything =_=" )
Well, not expect, but I choose to have only have the best.

Surely something I learn is,
U learn to swallow everything and step back,
But wen u step back for the best of people sebab u noe Allah is there for u,
Everyone comes back.
No one leaves anyone.
And all is well,
In fact,
It bertambah awesome :))

"Become the bird tht leaves all her trust in Allah as she leaves the nest in the morning to find food for her chicklets, exposed to the world,"

"Feel tht vibe tht shakes ur heart thouroughly,
Feel tht fear leave as u replace it with Allah's supreme power,
Feel tht 'loneliness' overcome by Allah's omnipresence.

Feel tht feeling tht makes u come alive."


If only I can apply it to medicine.
Which I have slowly slowly lost my grip.

As I see it slip through my fingers,
As my Anaesth commented,
"Afifah, wat happened? U have asked lesser and lesser questions from ur second yr, to ur thrid yr to now?"

I obviously answered my dramatic answer of,
"Dr, I actly…*looks down* I have now become a more quiet person"

The whole class obviously roared with laughter.
Not tht the whole world wud end if I DID become a much quieter person,
But, it nevr seemed possible,
And the sun never did shine dimly, with any good use,
Only to burst out glowing blissfully in the morning and setting down so romantically.

My writings may not feature in the pages of akuislam.
Neither is it highly rated,
With the errors in typin I cause again n again.

But surely,
It true from my heart.
And my piece,
Hopefully moves u, as it moves me.
Now, and for days to come wen I look back n read.

Thank u Allah.
Thank u mama papa hu was chosen by Allah to teach me.
Thank u besties. U guys mean the world, As Allah chose u guys to b those pods of souls around my soul once upon 5000years ago. I don mean to give names, or label. But lets renew our niat today.
Lets #ukhwahfillah
Jom jadikan one another ladang pahal kita supaya we reap it together one sure day of mahsyar! insyaAllah.

Jazakallah khair jaza.