♥ Drama Queen ♥

Friday, June 13, 2014

Setia Kasih.

Salam Friday 13th!
i noe, we don believe in friday the 13th in islam,
but its a jargon i used to live upto back in high school.
those jahil times,
not to say i feared black cats then(or now), or feared walking down ladders, or wore garlic garlands around town on this day.


just another random jargon as i teman my mom in starbucks as she finishes up her work.
thankfully i have my own lappie n she her own.

i borrow my title from usrah nurani's.
the lover mentioned here is ramadhan, n it is not the first time i hear such a thing.
such a gelaran they give towards the holy moth of ramadhan.

at first,
fasting was rather difficult to me, ever more when the lunchgang i belong to love to go nice places to eat-hence the name la kan =.="-, which happen to always b the day i puasa. =.="

and then it got more difficult this week as i had reduced water intake during the nights,
and felt super dehydrated during the day.
little did i noe,
i really was unwell to being with.

i have been having a very busy june, follwoing an even more eventful may.
my days have been fulfilled, pack n nonstop.
just the way i like it. :))
apa lagi when it was always with ones i love,
whether its just plain classes, standing in the emergency department,
palpating bellies of preggy women,
auscultating children's chests,
or just plain meetin my friends,
or waking up early to go my weekend hangout.

i din noe it consumed me.

no sign at all,
i was really having fun.

and wen on monday i cudn wake up to go to class (walhal i was already in hospital) i tot it was just another bout of me being malas.
and i had to beat it in the knickers!
n i normally won at the end of it.
walaupun it really tired me out.

so yday wen i defied myself n tried to speed to hospital (to go for bedsideteaching)
my body gave in.
my feet just cudnt press the paddle nemore,
from the 10km/h it went down to 80....70...60...n finally, i was practically crawling on nkve.
i had to seek refuge,
for my eyes tht cudnt open.
but reflecting back now to yday.
it was actly my body shutting down.
wallahualam how i survived.
lik seriously.
my mom was worried i noe.
my friends too.

my doctor practically laughed at me.
i don blame anyone.

but u cant blame me neither,
i donot noe wht life wud be if it wasnt busy?
i donnoe whe else to go if not to my hospital or to uni or to my fav lepak place.
its not lik i can lepak at home.
tht istilah doesnt seem very familiar.

so today wen i was also given an mc.
fr the obvious reasons (since i really cudnt breath at times too)
i dint noe wht to do.
and off i went to a CME (common lecture) tht alot of my peers skipped.
and latter tht evening i actly wento a bedsideteaching i din need to go to.

but life wasnt wat others did or did not do.
if i skipped it bcos all my frends did, (my friends dint, my lunchgang agak baek ahh hahha)
or went to bedsideteaching bcos my friends did,
then mana niat aku?

so aku tawakkal je la.
have to keep reminding thyself tht everystep towards knowledge is a step into jannah (insyaAllah with Allah's will)

i think yang paling aku takotkan is...
this story i once heard,
imagine if u lived all ur life saving money fr this trp u always wanted,
and finally when u reach the gates to pay fr ur fare, and handover the money u had kept of ur hard earned work,
suddenly the officials restrict u from boarding and say,"ur money is fake, and ur not allowed to board this trip,"
doom i tell u.
ur hard earned money.
ur effort.
sweat n tears.

so same goes to all the deeds we all carry out daily.
as the hadith went,
it boils down to ur niat.

lets doa we all purify our niats for a better world n hereafter.

but tomorrow is a defo stay in for me, and i don plan on waking up till late.
or if possible ever.

tetibe seram sjuk,
cos as muharikah says,
"kalau tak penat sekrang, then when?"

maybe i went alil too far with tht phrase.

terlalu taksub.
maybe a lil nap isnt wrong.

so today when my friends all puasa.
i was so envious.
lik seriously.
(Walaupun dengan selmbanya i drank infront of them)
but i just cudnt.
flashbacking to my doctor's face yday,
doc: dyu wan ur meds now?
me: im fasting
doc: *muka kerut nak gelak*


so for now.
i have gotta pause fmr the fasting.
and continue the next tym.

bak kata mimi,"u better b fasting this ramadhan,"

don go gettin the rong message,
i did fast as much as i cud last yr.
but yrs bfore tht, wasnt as easy as i cud rmmber.

subang parade dah tutup.
n my mom is still busy with her work.

as the countdown to our beloved ramadhan dawns nearer day by day.
i honestly, m quite afraid.
wat if im not all tht ready.
can i reach at par, and even better than last yr?

as last yr's beauty and scent was so beautiful.
i feel as if last yr was the first tym i ever fasted in my whole life.

lik ever.

even those days i used to puasa back in the uk, when no one did puasa cudnt beat lat yr.

maybe my illness now is another step towards my many ways Allah is preparing me for detachment,
after all,
hereafter is a series of deatchment frm worldly matters,
wic i feel Allah is slowly-slowly introducing to me.
thank u Allah once again.

this time last yr,
i was so hung up.
and wen i finally released the world free to itself,
i feel as if my worlds all collapsed regained its composure n erected itself.
slowly ut surely.
and it had been building ever since.

so now,
its time back fr the world to collapse upon itself,
to release me.

thank u Allah.
thank u separation.

i need tht.


Sunday, June 8, 2014

Harder than Marriage.

i was uber exhausted thru out the day.
i actly ran with my eyes closed today.
if only i could drive with my eyes closed.

and i flared up after my dreams of playing board games in citta mall was nullified wen ther was something goin on there. which i was then redirected to one utama. on a sunday afternoon.
terribly disasterous.

n now,
as i have reached home,
i have lost tht sense of wanting to sleep.
so i scrolled my fb.

and i found this amazing article.
which celebrates bff day today.
n im lik
if there was such a day,
i think i wud b one of the earliest to noe.
considering i love all this, "day" "day" thingy.
so i googled it up.
no such thing.
only friendship day. yeah. caya la. UN, yes, the United Nationas actly recognises the first sunday of august as international friendship day.
so yeah guys. wan to have a party? buatla then. senang get all ur friends tgthr.
haha. lol. (lik serious kelakar)

so back to the article by the NST,
it relates stories of people, girls in particular hu have been besties since forever,
and then,
just not anymore.

this suriya writer,
as much as having the same name as me, isnt really tht optimistic is she?
she emphasizes tht across the world there are discussions tht girls just CANT b BFF.


one sentence i ttly agree though,
"they havent spoken in a week, n thats lik a century in girl world,"


been there, done tht,
but y doesn she emphasize tht after tht centuries of silence, people can resolve things,
and u get to c the end of the rainbow tht people think is only where leprechauns live.
well, leprechauns don live there,
only happiness of frindship,
and keutuhan ukhwah,
(okay,so maybe i see it from an islamic point of view, but y not? especially wen the religion i follow promises me eternal jannah -paradise- if i were to love another fellow muslim for the sake of Allah, as silaturrahim?)

wat was it tht stood inbetween all these girls tht just fought (passively) n never got back tgthr?
(suddenly rmmberin my skola rendah frends tht i hated -they, me--but they werent even my friends. only mates tht was in the same class, too young to noe ukhwal fillah pon. hahah) 

the writer than end with,
"friendships are fragile, take alot of work, compromise n perhaps more than marriage"

i wonder y?
is it because in marriage there is this certificate that is bounded with the law and vows tht u have engraved in stone?

i must say,
i am not totally against wht she says,
haha. i have seen my mother, best friends with a lady, totally opposite to her, of wat? 50 yrs,
and still they r friends.
n now,
their children (aka me n my aunty's children)r all chummy w each other
so bff do exist.
but they may not b as close as they were last tym. not tht i noe how close they were.
i highly doubt they were ever as close as we r now w all our best friends.
with fingertip communications with each other, skype sleepovers, joint instagram accounts, and all other things u can imagine scoail media and all custom made things we are permitted to have (matching baju, matching fons, bff covers etc etc-the list just goes on)
but they were close at tht tym of point nevetheless.

but nonetheless, i have seen things one party has to always sacrifice for the other,
tht sometimes,
she just walks away.

i guess,
the writer was right,
alot lot (lotttt) of compromise.
but for silaturrahim my mom wud always say.
it must b worth it.

one day im gona grow old.
i do not noe wht my outcome wud ever b,
sometimes it looks as grim as the dark grey skies,
and others, shiny lik the cloudless day during school holidays.

but wht i do noe is,
if anything done out of lillahitaala,
it wont last.

and most important of all,
if u cant preserve ur connections with the almighty,
don even think of having any relationships with anyone,
especially if ur in a girl-on-girl relationship.
bcos messy can get messier,
and fragile can simply break.

n ohyeah,
sometimes,if things attached at the hips need a lil break.
bcos even the cast is reviewed, and bandages changed daily,
apa lagi human contact?

tht sometimes,
cant b felt if ur always there.
so alil of not-there is good.
a remedy to the heart.
to noe,
there is sucha feeling, 
n to appreciate wht is there.

bcos one day,
we all will part ways,
its whether we all wana continue lighting the connection, or let the leaves over grow.
but the pebbles sown will neve be moved.

dedicated to all the besties i ever had.
skola rendah- izzati esa
standard 6- eka irina
form 2-eshrina gosal
form 4-husniah zaimah
day one uni-athirah ramly
end of 1st yr uia-marjani rafi. n nabilah yaaqob

Friday, June 6, 2014

Arus Social Media

AS cliche as i can sound,
on this very boring friday morning,
as i settle my moms work frm the hallways of the htar emergency depatment, since i cant figure wat to do this morning.
lol, after a super boring medical bedsideteaching,
thankfully woken up by a more exciting trauma case,
(well i just generally love trauma)

since there isnt any usrah today,
and it has been a long time since iv gone fr usrah?

lets just do some stepping back n usrah.

in this modern world, where we all flip our phones first thing in the morning,
instagram our breakfast,
waze our routes,
facebook our feeling,
tweet our anger,
and blog our rants,

who do we actly type these words, letters, and posts to?
i ask myself this.
who are we really informing our footsteps?
who actually listens?
n hu actly cares?
and what if no one cared?

are we still gona pour our hearts out?
our deepest darkest secrets,
or the scartches of our lives, tht paint the ultimate horific mess that each one of live?
or (TRY to) paint this beautiful potrait for viewers to awe us?
how cool we r with our brand new samsung phones,
sparkling cars, tall glasses of margaritas?

we conclude those quiet on social media are lonely,


what are these generalisations we make to the less posting?
and what eyes do we present to?


suddenly i feel tht this life has become so superficial
so meaningless to many.
tht we own an iphone, just for the iphone.
to supposedly 'capture' our moments,
which some, we even hide,
hide frm the spectators of people, but not minding to others?
to who do we really conform to actly?
to mere mortals with supposed 'immortal' powers of politics, power n position?
to the unseen, but most felt One of all?

till when are we gona have these double standards of life?
till when do we need to conform to others?
to be perfectly size 2,
or be fair,
and lanky,
to be beautiful,
and to be the opposite as the 'trapped diva' that throws fits, uncool, conservative and just a follower?


when the lunchgang sat tgthr last lunch,
we all decided to put our fons away.
all of us.
all our gadgets.
it was just us.

n honestly,
i liked it.

even tho we had tht lame clause whereby the first person to touch the fon has to pay,
we knew it was a joke.
but we all conformed,
and we had a ball of a time
though the picture of our ayam penyet dint get uploaded,
but memories did.

maybe thts the problem.

we all thinki we wud forget moments.
we are afraid we might lose life just in a blink of an eye.
people may grow up,
hearts grow apart,
and minds occluding each other.

but y fear?
y fear when Allah has already set it all apart?
its never too late,
never is it too early for anything.

if u think u had done a mistake,
u may not be able to turn back the clock,
but don we have the most superior tht manages time?
n hearts?
n people, and all creatures of the world?
tht can correct things if He wills to?

if u think things r too early?
then take it slow,
and make dua?
for all u noe,
it wasnt early,
instead, an instinct, a guide from Allah to pave our roads to an even better ending?

this is not my two cents.
but my ultimate sadness.

that people around me are so aroused with the materialistic world.
to chase the elite,
to live the conformities of the looked up world,
and to forget the essence of life.
and Most Importantly,
the One who arranges it all.

PErcaya to the Quran u say,
then why dont u believe to surah tht says,
(which meant) If God Has willed something good for u, nothing in this whole world can stop it from u, and if God has willed something bad, nothing in this whole world can protect u.

its time we all put our feet down.
care less what people think of ourconservativity.
and care for our future generation, our children, nieces n nephews.
and say NO.
NO to excessive social media.
NO to self centredness.
NO to any God's commands.

and walk away.

cos i think its my turn.
im tired of it too.
but silaturrahim cant b broken either.

jumaah barakah.