♥ Drama Queen ♥

Thursday, August 28, 2014

i was sixteen again.

u noe how they always said,
"adolescence, the time u always wana b lik ur friends, the time u wana always look up to ur friends, the time ur appearance always mattered,"

well for me,
sixteen was a sweet phase of innocence, whe nothing much mattered,
my bestie was eka, and eshrina.
and everyone else was,
everyone else.

nothing else really mattered.
and i was in a world of my own.
i tried makeup where as my besties dint bother to paint their nails,
i listened to mp3s, while my friends studied studiously in silence,
i sat at starbucks, while my peers busily went off for tuition.

i did things my friends didnt do,
and i dint do what they did either, except attend interact concerts n shop new clothes fr each new event. lol.
but it din bother me,
i din have to fess up to their lifestyles, pffft...hahahah
i din have to compete fr anything, (except marks, which was actly a personal journey for each of us individually- so we basically never killed each other or felt belittled -)

but suddenly,
about 80% of medical school,
i have all these things i had left for a long time now.
and appearances.


i suddenly fall silent in these conversations,
sometimes muted,
 only conversing with my bestie, sometimes, with besties tht are away from me.

i guess the time for 'that' part of 'peer pressure' i missed in high school to reoccur.

but remarkable enough,
i discover,
it wasnt for the lack of knowledge.
nor was it lack of pure interest.

but it was a mixture of disinterest of materialism,
and engaging in social acts which i dint really fit in,
cos i dint have to try.

what need is it to always fit in? when sometimes,
the best way to fit in is to fit out.


if only u cud read my smirk,
its not a condescending smile,
more of a smile tht reminds me of my mismatched, latecoming prefect days.
those rowdy days of experimenting.
of camera angles, of colored mascara, and polished nails.

i even painted my nails back in uia actly come to think of it.
walhal my roomie at tht time was really religious and all.
she must have had a headache at tht time facing me.

it was kinda sweet.

as i ran away frm my GP during bfast one fine day in primary care,
i was instantaneously brought back to form 4.
some things just don change.

and me being 23, really doesnt change much.
alhamdulillah in certain ways,

but nonetheless,

today i stand,
i feel souls around me,
some clicking on to me,
likewise, me to them,
like those airtight ziplocks tht meet and seal each other.
and there is this bond,
holding us these young souls of ours,
bonds, born thousands of years before,

and some just drifting off just as when we drift off the end of the day.
lik those magnets meeting close and stick,
but separate them, and away they go off with their own whiteboards to stick on to.

and as we lay eyes on each other,
there is love flowing,
and my heart melts.
most of the time so unexplainable,
tht makes my arms cross each other as i try to decipher these moments,
some for me to savour,
some for me to reflect.

it is not mine to turn, this heart.
but only the Almighty Allah.
the Turner of hearts,
of this Qalbu.

bcos today may not be my day,
but tomoro maybe mine,
and to be at the bottom isnt a pleasent place to be,
n i ttly get it.

no monument of stone was made without the small dusty particles of cement glued together by water,
so is our pavements to jannah insyaAllah.
no pavement can be made lacking the substance of iman, glued by isitiqomah and tawakkal.

reaping the hereafter takes alot of work,
sometimes, we dig holes to jahannam,
reversed only by istighfars.

Astaghfirullah hilazim.

thank u Allah for today
and how far we hav all come,
with people hu have been with us from day one.
with family tht always suppoerted us in their way,
and most important of all,
with You Ya Allah the Omnipresent tht never left our sides in times of our success and triumph,
nor our downfall.

erase from our hearts hasad and ego,
tht prevents us build our characters tht soars us to the gates of jannah.

(a piece of my valedictorian speech)
28 days till theory week.

doakan istiqomahku back to the ALmighty Allah.