♥ Drama Queen ♥

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Mirror mirror on the wall.

alhamdulillah.

it was the end of end of posting clinicals.
the first of lasts.

alhamdulillah.
as i rmmbered the elatement and excitement i had on my first day of paeds.
then somehow it brought me back to day one orientation,

organizer: so introduce urselves and share with us wat speciality u wud lik to adopt.
me: hi evryone! id lik to be a paediatrician, cos honestly, wen i was younger, i was afraid of death, and i tot...hey, kids dying wasn so scary.

back in 2010.
its now 2014.

and i was so afraid today wud end badly.
but i kept it inside.
i dint wanto share my fears.
well, i tried la. ( i noe my besties and mom knew i wasnt really okayhhh hahaha)

but tahajjud really helped.
wen today came,
i woke up calmly, no palpitation no sweats,
only a random dream that my classmates had this photoshoot right in the middle of the htar roads.
lol.

hahaha.

"show them ur awesomeness" a bfftjf said.
a laughin hug my mom gave me.

and off i went.
being my cute-sy self
(yes. cute-sy, i tried to un-cute-sy, well it dint work, my classmates said it was weird) XDD

then?
when i finished exams with my specialist saying,"just another step to distinction," i was elated.
tht feeling back in third yr?
it revived.
i flickered for days to end now,
it seemed to have vanished,
darken lives,

lik wen my classmate asked yday about my hashtag #paediatriciantobe
i said"wallahualam,mcm xje"

but,
never fret or fear the power of Allah.
He hears u alright.
more than ur mom, more than ur bestest best friend.
Allah understands u, more than ur mom, more than u ur ownself.
so thank you Allah.

as i was listening about tawakal on youtube yday, i had my doubts,
not doubts that Allah would help me,
but whether i deserve help.
dont we all get tht feeling sometimes?
tht hopelessness?
that knackered beaten down feeling?
cos i do.
and fifth year?
was a beating after another,
it was lik left right centre.
actly,
it was inside out more than physical,
cos darn, i look good.
hahaa (READ: poyo sebentar) hahaha

then,
"Rezeki itu hak milik Allah,
bab rezeki ni sgt sgt sgt luas, Allah tu sgt lah Pemurah kan?
kita tahu ke proportion of rezeki that Allah planned for us?"

she continued
"wen someone is given more than they have put in, we just just 'assume' a person shud get more IF AND ONLY IF DONE MORE, but isnt our assumption very limited? cos isnt our knowledge very limited? cos isnt only Allah's knowledg and power is very vast."

i terdiam
literally.
i din reply to her.
not for being offended.
but it was lik.
deep.

its true.
all our prblems in this world revolve around assumptions.
we assume we are good enough,
we assume we are degraded low,
we assume we are lucky enough,

walhal infact,
how good is truely good? lik the para anbiya hu never tot themselves to be anymore better?
how bad is bad? lik are we that dumb? even after studyin for years of the same stuff?
how sure are we lucky or was it that one buck sedwah we agev to tht street beggar? or tht smile we sent to the lonely homeless?

wat DO we noe?
not much really?
unless we really have figured out this whole world equation.
which we obviously havent.
the last i heard, there are an array of multiple super computers trying to deveipher about the world's movement and physics,that wud be completely understood in 2040 taksilap.
haha.

walhal, Allah ahs already mentioned tht He noes even the falling leaf.
funny right?

i say this first to myself.
(yes, cos i lik rereading my blog liddat...--n i miss my writingholic self)
that, at the end of the day, im very sure, (and i read it in a hadith somewhere) never will we finish the day of judgement till Allah asks us,"where have we spent our time and energy on?"
and we cant be answering,"oh, i tried medicine, but it was so hard i gave up" now can we?
cos surely, Allah looks at our effort.

fall seven times, get up eight times.


so alhamdulillah for today.
i actly had gotten the same case i did last year.
nephrotic.

the same case.
only to prove that i can do it.
that i was a final year, n i can finally do it. ;')
thank u Allah and evryone tht doakan me.

my mom was there today with me,
and wen i came back to her cheerful,
she remembered,"pakcikli said jangan panic,"

haha.

i laughed.

it was lik he knew exctly wat to say,
even if it was kinda late, since i finished my exms.

my mom continued, "he even asked u to baca doa"

that,
blew me away,
hehe.

u see,
i don really come from a tiptop hijabi alim family,
so to have real sweet reminders lik tht, its heart warming. hehe.
even if my mom kinda sampaikan the wish AFTER MY EXAMS. hahaha.

tht was something.

so later, wen i to the GP to check on my mom, my GP asked me,"so wht yr are u now?"
i actly looked up at her, and answered,"fifth?"
"final dah" she answered.

i then just blinked.
lik speechless.

it was lik a dawning phenomenon (no, not tht diabetes phenomenon we go thru in the morning by our insulins and hormones...hahaha) that this is it.
i have been seeing her since my first yr of medicine, and now here i m, in the final leg.

i mean,
this is not the first time someone has asked me,
or made me realise.
but today,
wen i stood in the mirror after zuhr,
i saw this reflection of a doctor to be.
after all tht hits i had to go thru in this posting.
there was nothing to be happy (or even proud) of to be a final year.
nothing.
it was back to back bashing,
back to back not noe-ing stuff,
catching up with stuff.
back to back questioning and somewhat belittling (to be belittled)
i could tolerate it back in third yr, cos i was a freshie,
and learning back in fourth yr,
but i had it hard in fifth yr, i really felt hurt.

though today,
it melted away.

"Hati yang tenang selalu menang"

lik a close one said to me,
if in third yr ur physically tired,
fourth yr ur physically and mentally tired,
i bet fifth yr wud b physically, mentally and EMOTIONALLY tiring.

spot on alec, i replied.

but wat wud the world be if there werent trials?
and wat's there to be hurt if ur in a learning curve?
as my fifth yr briefing went,"our objective now is to make sure u guys are capable to be trained as housemans,"
tht too cheered me up.

yeah.
i guess, i was counting my misery, more than anything.
hehe.

it's true wat my senior said,"busy mana pun fifah,usrah jangan lupa,"

those words,
will stick to me,
and wat more wen my junior sent,
"usrah means keluarga, kumpulan individu2 muslim yang berusaha tolong beriman dgn agama melalui pemahaman and menghayati Islam,"

moral support.
human touch.

i teared.
it was so meaningful.
maybe cos im the only child?
maybe cos im the extrovert tht easily binds with people?

but it was sweet.
fifth year,
wat else have u stored for me?
may you always remind me,
that my roots are Allah, and wen im steadfact on it, it never fades or fails.
:'))

may we all meet in jannah after passin all our trials.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

last but never least.

the next time i set foot here.
it's either,
i'm having an exam,
or.
im a Houseman (HO).


tht was wat i said to my mom.
hearing myself say it out loud was more surreal than I thought,
i guess sometimes u memang have to voice it out to noe the reality of it.
and to keep it in, is just drowing the reality away.
hiding all the fears, keeping the worries at bay,
walhal it exists.

yes.
fifth year.
not as glamorous as i had always imagined it to be back in the first year, and premed days.
and not as cool as i always awed my seniors to be.
not easy.

but nothing good comes easy.
and the week exams,
evryone's all,
"awh. i need to study,"
evryone's like,
"oh i havent studied"

right.

peer pressure babe.
yeah.
at twenniefour.
ur still a freaking adolescent babe.

hahah.

okayh. toodles.
my drooping heavier than tht detective dog.
haha.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

am i?

she said, i was the best bestie she could have.

i cried.
i don noe whe to say it out oready.
but i felt so terharu.

im now tearing as i do my moms work (omg, i do blog best wen im expected to do other stuff..hahaa)

thank u awak.
i hope i can deliver ur bday as best as u did for my 24th,
im sorry i din post up anything about my bday,
but life has been the upmost busy.
back to back with something.

but i swear,
my 24th was the best so far.
thank u to all.

now.
im under a lot of stress.